As you may have gathered from the title of this entry I am utterly fed up with America Online and after almost two years I have parted ways with the worthless motherfucker.
During my time at the DC Comics gulag, the parent company - namely Time/Warner - merged with AOL and the company promptly shifted their email service to that of their new corporate bedmate. Presently it became apparent that the wares of the new partner were lousy with service problems, and just as quickly as we got AOL we kicked the sorry sack bastard to the curb in favor of another service. What does it tell you when the company that merged with AOL doesn't even use their own system? And wouldn't you think I'd be smart enough not to use it when I activated my internet service at home? Well, guess again.
After I got let go from DC I received one of those AOL startup plan discs that offered me three free months of service so I figured I'd use it since it was free and eventually move on to something more efficient, such as sticking my head out of the window and shouting into the ether for whomever I wished to contact. But, as these things often go, I got lazy and just left it as it was despite a high number of shoddy service incidents during my daily search for work, loose women and intoxicants.
What finally drove me to remove AOL from my list of stress-inducers was the fact that my man in England, Chris Weston, kept attempting to send me files of his stunning artwork and any stuff that he thought I might find interesting and those documents were endlessly fucked up by AOL and would open only as a display of cyber-code gibberish. At the recommendation of computer whiz and old college pal Smoky I switched to Earthlink and found myself quite pleased since it is hella cheaper and eleventy-jillion times more efficient than AO-Hell.
Then came the night when I called the bane of my internet existence and declared my intention to cancel my service; this statement was met with one of those fucking foreign outsourced “customer service” drones who would not listen to what I had to say and attempted at all costs to keep me on AOL. After being asked over and over why I was canceling my service and hearing me give the same answers each time, the unwelcome Hadji repeatedly pointed out how often I used the system and how she was willing to lower the monthly cost. At that point I started screaming like the crazed, scary Negro that I can occasionally be: “LISTEN TO ME, GOD DAMN IT! I HAVE TOLD YOU TWENTY MOTHERFUCKING TIMES THAT I WANT TO CANCEL MY SERVICE AND I AM ABSOLUTELY FUCKING TIRED OF TELLING YOU THAT! I WANT TO BE OVER AND DONE WITH THIS FUCKING AOL BULLSHIT RIGHT FUCKING NOW! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, YOU STUPID BITCH?!!!?”
Finally having gotten my point across, I was redirected to the standard “sorry to lose you” recording and told that my service will terminate at the beginning of the next billing cycle, in other words in four days. Then I was told that they hoped I would change my mind and return to their fold in the future.
Well let me tell you, that has all the likelihood of happening as that of a burning and naked Jesus Christ jumping out of my distended browneye and fucking the nearest parking meter with his six-foot, turgid heliotrope and puce tallywhacker.
Trust me, ass-fuck your own grandmother as she undergoes kidney dialysis before signing up with AOL, dear readers. That experience would be far less scarring.
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