THE TRAILER REEL FROM HELL

Movie trailers, also known to the layman as "Previews of Coming Attractions," the short highlights reels designed to lure filmgoers to the boxoffice and part them from their hard-earned cash. The point of trailers is to get you interested in seeing the flick, and if the trailer fails at that then the film itself will likely crash and burn into painful obscurity.

I love trailers because they're short and usually to the point, and when done right they are a hell of a lot of fun, sometimes more memorable than the features that they precede. Even a bad trailer can be a total riot, such as the jaw-dropping preview for KUNG FU FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE, a ludicrously outrageous horse turd of a supernatural kung fu flick whose trailer is replete with such mangling of the English language as "Human heart used in sacrifice! Evils are deadly scared!" and the incredible "EVEN COMES THE VAMPIRE!!!," at which point we hear a voice shriek, "I'm coming!!!," immediately followed by the unforgettable sight of Count Dracula flying through the air and interrupting a kung fu battle in the middle of the street.

I collect trailer compilations, mostly the cornucopias of crap available from the unimpeachable SOMETHING WEIRD VIDEO, and on volume two of their "Dusk To Dawn Drive-In Trash-O-Rama Show" series I found what may just be the worst trailer I have ever seen, bar none. It is incoherent, poorly edited, rife with early-1970's hippie types, and to add the icing to this monumental shit cake, the film is actually entitled THE HIDAN OF MAUKBEIANGJOW. I swear to Sam Peckinpah that I am not making that up; look it up on the Internet Movie Database if you don't believe me. I ran the trailer late the other night at the barbecue joint for a bar full of appalled regualrs who refused to believe that it was for real, hence this post. Since most of you cannot join me here in the depths of the Vault I have kindly transcribed the trailer and described the mishmash of its visuals for your benefit (?).

As the trailer begins, cheesy, generic "acid" rock plays on the soundtrack while random scenes of violence, mayhem, escape attempts, people riding motorcycles, drunk hippies wielding machetes and guns, women being tied up and strapping men down in what looks like a well-lit dungeon, a white-robed cult leader, and a zombie whose back is riddled with multiple bloody bullet holes flash onscreen. Then we hear a series of voiceovers:

STONER #1: Hey, man! Help me think of a name for this movie, willya?

STONER #2: Sure! What's it about?

STONER #1: Well, it's about tender young love, see? Between a boy named Casper and a girl named Prudence.

STONER #2: Oh, WOW, man! For that ya want something simple, ya know? Like, not too hokey or overworked. Like, "CASPER AND PRUDENCE!"

STONER #1: Yeah! Hey, hey! How about a movie with lots of violence, greed, murder, suspense and intrigue, hunh?

STONER #2: Hey, far out man! Ya want somethin' really super that'll really gett out and grab 'em, like, "THE KILLERS."

STONER #1: Yeah!

STONER #2: "THE KILLERS," man! That's it!

STONER #1: Great! Now suppose it's a comedy, see? Where everything everybody does works out all wrong, hunh?

STONER #2: Yeah!

STONER #1: Hunh?

STONER #2: Yeah!

STONER #1: Hunh?

STONER #2: Yeah!

STONER #1: Like, uh, like the Marx Brothers, hunh?

STONER #2: Yeah!

STONER #1: Hunh?

STONER #2: Yeah!

STONER #1: Wow, like, uh, like slapstick that you see on TV! Let's see, how about, uh..."LAUGH TIL IT HURTS?"

STONER #2: Oh, WOW!

STONER #1: That's it, man!

Now at this point it suddenly turns more incoherent than before:

STONER #2: Right arm! Hey, but what if it's about a magician and people from another planet trying to take over the earth by killin' young chicks and makin' zombies outta them?

STONER #1: Wow, man! 'Ey, that's the neatest of 'em all, man, like, zombies! Oh, wow...How about, "THE ZOMBIE PLOT?"

STONER #2: Yeah!

STONER #1: Hey, man! That's it! "THE ZOMBIE PLOT!"

STONER #2: Yeah! Hey, yeah, and what if it's got lots of music in it? Hard rock, country, ballads!

STONER #1: Oh, wow, LADY, man!

STONER #2: Oh, hey, that's easy. Just call it..."MUSIC!"

STONER #1: That's it, man! That'll take care of all of it!

STONER #2: Out of state!

STONER #1: Hey, but what would you call a movie with all this stuff in it? Ya know, all the killing and comedy and the music and the zombies and all that shi...

STONER #2: Hey, I got it! I GOT IT! "CASPER AND PRUDENCE LAUGH TIL IT HURTS AT THE KILLERS AND THE ZOMBIE PLOT: A MUSICAL!"

DEEP VOICE FROM OUT OF NOWHERE: How about..."THE HIDAN OF MAUKBEIANGJOW?"

STONER #1 (confused): The what?

STONER #2: Where's that coming from?

DEEP VOICE FROM OUT OF NOWHERE: "THE HIDAN OF MAUKBEIANGJOW!"

STONER #1: Aw, man, I like "CASPER AND PRUDENCE LAUGH TIL IT HURTS AT THE..."

STONER #2: Yeah, but that won't fit on the sign out front, ya know?

STONER #1: Aw, man, I hadn't thought of that...

DEEP VOICE FROM OUT OF NOWHERE: See "THE HIDAN OF MAUKBEIANGJOW!" Coming soon to this theater!

STONER #1: How about "GONE WITH THE WIND?"

STONER # 2: (giggles)

DEEP VOICE FROM OUT OF NOWHERE: "THE HIDAN OF MAUKBEIANGJOW!"

STONER #2: (giggling) "MAFIA MADNESS," man!!

DEEP VOICE FROM OUT OF NOWHERE: "THE HIDAN OF MAUKBEIANGJOW!" If you can't say it, go see it!

STONER #1: "THE TENNESSEE VALLEY AUTHORITY?" "THE ODD FATHER?"

STONER #2: "MOON OVER MY ARMY!"

STONER #1: No, it's, "Moon Over Miami."

STONER #2: Hey, who was that masked man?

STONER #1: I dunno, but he left a sliver toilet seat...

Can you believe that shit? I mean, I'm no stranger to the joy of bonghits, but how much were these guys smoking?