AS SEEN ON CNN: EL BUNCHO ON THE ALLEGED FAGGOTRY OF THE NEW SUPERMAN FLICK

Yesterday, while taking a load of ribs out of the smoker, I received a phone call from a friend who works at CNN. Apparently, the famed news network was going to do a feature on the idiotic rumors that Superman is portrayed with a “gay” sensibility in the new SUPERMAN RETURNS flick, and his producer needed to interview someone with an encyclopedic knowledge of the Superman mythology who could also talk about other pop culture subjects in relation to the proposed piece. When this list of requirements was voiced during the pitch meeting, my friend simply said, “Hand me the phone.”

And so it came to pass that yours truly was booked to be interviewed for a “man on the street” segment for CNN.

Since the interview was scheduled for the next day, just before the barbecue joint opened, I had to consider what I would wear. For a brief instant I seriously considered going the ultra-geeky route by sporting a 1938 old school Superman “S” shield t-shirt, but an inner voice put the kibosh on that stupidity by telling me, “No, dude. Don’t be that guy.” Instead I opted for a black t-shirt with the barbecue joint’s logo on it, thereby guaranteeing a plug for the business that would be seen by a gazillion people.

When the interviewers arrived, I was hooked up with a concealed mic and given a briefing on how the segment would work, namely that the anchor — a hottie who resides in Fairfield, the burg right next to my much-loathed hometown of Westport, CT — would throw me a variety of questions and would answer in my own inimitable style, only within the boundaries of FCC approval.

We ended up shooting outside, even staging shots of the two of us walking down the street, and the queries posed by the anchor allowed me to riff for extended periods on such things as whether the gay rumors would hurt the Superman franchise, other pop culture characters being seen in the media as gay (such as Spongebob Squarepants and Tinky-Winky the Tellytubbie, who was interpreted by some schmuck as being a fruit because of his purple handbag. So, the guy can accessorize! Fuck you!), the subculture of fan-generated fiction that specializes in explicitly gay/erotic depictions of the sex lives of famous characters such as Captain Kirk and Mister Spock, and the possible interpretation of Spider-Man as being gay since he is devoted to an ageing female family member, was a nervous dork who was constantly bullied and was awkward with girls, how he was a loser until he put on his fabulous costume, and has the rather anti-butch ability to pretty much shoot doilies from his wrists.

The whole thing went well and was a very pleasant experience, and I will post the airdates as soon as I get them.