HEAVY HANGS THE HEAD THAT WEARS THE CROWN

Before heading in to work today I stopped off at a local Burger King for one of their exquisite Quad Stackers (basically a quadruple cheeseburger with nothing on it other than bread, bacon, cheese, and a drop of cheese sauce; one of those and a medium drink keeps me content for about eight hours). I always chose the King over McShit thanks to the flame-broiled taste of the burgers (flavor being something conspicuously lacking in the McTurd on a bun) and for as long as I can remember I have seen those cheap, gilded paper crowns given away to kids whenever they are served there. While I awaited the arrival of my latest belly bomb of choice, my gaze was drawn to one of those regal headpieces and I noticed there was writing on the inside.

I picked up the toddler tiara and stood there slack-jawed as I read the list of rules for donning the bloody thing. I was always uncertain of the vagaries of royalty and the rules and etiquette that steer it, and now, thanks to a child’s replica of the most widely recognized symbol of imperial authority, I have had all of my questions answered. What follows are the actual instructions for kingship once one dons the Burger King Crown, and I swear I have transcribed them exactly as found on the real thing.

LAWS OF THE CROWN

GAME PLAY

A) Adjust size and be the first to place on head.
B) Whoever places the Crown on his or her head first, then in a loud voice proclaims “I AM THE KING” is from that moment in charge.

ADVANCED PLAY

1. There can only be one King.
2. The King always gets his/her way.
3. The King must speak with some kind of cool accent.
4. The King makes all the imperial decisions governing selection of TV channels. Movies, radio stations, as well as popular activities like snowboarding, pool hopping and cow tipping. The king also determines who gets the remote, who rides “shotgun” and, of course, who pays.
5. Rule ends when Crown is removed for more than 3 seconds (see Three Second Law).
6. Disagreement with the King results in a “penalty.” This is decided by the King. Common penalties include: forfeiture of fries, surrender of video game controller and banishment from office cubicle.

THREE SECOND LAW

The King’s rule ends when the crown is removed from their head for any reason, accidental or otherwise. The first person to exclaim, “ONE…TWO…THREE…KING” may claim the crown.

IN THE EVENT OF A TIE

If two people crown themselves King simultaneously, the person whose birth date is closest to DEC. 4, 1954 (date the first BURGER KING restaurant opened) is King.

COUP D’ETAT

If everyone agrees you completely stink as King, your rule may be renounced. This constitutes a Coup d’etat. A new King may be crowned if the group can reach a unanimous decision. If not, the THREE SECOND LAW applies.

KINGDOM

If you are eating in a BURGER KING restaurant, your rule extends all the way to the edge of the parking lot. Off restaurant grounds, your rule extends to a radius of ten feet around you in any direction.

WARNING: This BURGER KING Crown is made of paper. Your rule may end prematurely if Crown is exposed to water or flame.

Hey, good to know!

AHEM!!! (clearing throat) I AM THE KING!!!! Now bring me my Queen!!! And my purple ermine animal print cloak! Schnell, goddammit!!!