DAY OFF ADVENTURES: THE MIGHTY TYRANNY OF BURGER KING

As frequently noted, my life has been all over the place emotionally, employmentwise, and otherwise, and like many people I am a "comfort eater." And, unfortunately, Burger King has discovered what may be my fast food equivalent to pure opium, namely the BK Quad Stacker.

Approximately 1,000 calories, 68 grams of fat, 30 grams of saturated fat, 240 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,800 milligrams of sodium, this insidious concoction is the fast food panacea for meat-lovers and a surefire ticket to the coronary ward. And, may the gods help me, I love it. On my days off I have sought this burger at several different BK locations, eventually narrowing down the three spots in my area that make the best ones.

The concept behind the sandwich is simplicity itself: multiple patties of beef — anything from two to four — matching amounts of American cheese, a dab of some unidentified sauce, and eight (!!!) slices of bacon squeezed between the requisite buns. It's an unapologetic effort to cater to outright carnivores, and I applaud it for its sheer audacity. I mean, it's about a full day's worth of calories in one shot, for fuck's sake!

So today I wandered into Brooklyn's Fulton Mall area and stuffed my fat face on one of these evil belly bombs, a meal that fills me for an entire day, and while I scarfed it down I looked forward to the soon-to-arrive time when other, healthier things will occupy my mind on my days off, hopefully Saturdays and Sundays like the rest of the known universe.