TECHNOLOGY ON THE MARCH: PLASTIC PUSSY FOR YOUR POOCH

I was alerted to the following gem on Gizmodo.com by my former boss at the barbecue joint and I just had to share it with you.

There's a product out called the Hot Doll that's basically a sex doll for for your horny dog. There's one sized for the wee pooch:

And a girlfriend for the slightly larger leg-lifter:

Having once had a dog who was so fucking horny that his nickname was "Humpy," I can totally understand and applaud the need for such a contraption, but the logistical horrors of its maintenance are pretty grody. I mean, do you just hold it with its nose in the air and let the pooch paste dribble out, or do you just leave it as is and hope the genetic ointment builds in layers and serves as shellac?

My mom's aged and horrible chihuahua has a stuffed toy octopus whose tentacles she'll randomly mount and frig herself dizzy, and when she's gotten hers she disdainfully dismounts the plush cephalopod, turns her nose to the ceiling and lets out a haughty "Hmph!" I have laughed myself silly at this spectacle for over a decade, and my mom and I now exclaim, "Here she goes again!" whenever little Mame wants to get her wank on. Then there was the local gas station dog near the Westport train station in the early 1980's who was the most loyal critter imaginable thanks to the sickos at the gas pumps who would merrily jerk the pooch off in full view of their horrified patrons. They'd call him over, grab him by the crank, and he'd wrap his forelegs around the arm of the kindly human and vigorously pump away, his eyes rolling backward, until he blasted potential puppies all over the tarmac. He'd then take a few moments to collect himself, and then he'd trot back over to his favorite spot and relax, tongue lolling out of his mouth. The looks of abject horror on the drivers' faces was admittedly hilarious, and I totally understand the need to do anything to alleviate boredom during a mindless work shift — a friend of mine worked at the gas station and participated in the canine handjobs — but that shit just went beyond the pale.

So I applaud the creators of the Hot Doll for sparing us such moments of public bestiality, but it's only a matter of time until some guy ends up in the ER with his turgid member lodged balls deep into a plastic Great Dane.