OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!-PARIS IS BURNING

There's a thin line between outright hatred and utter fascination. Case in point: Paris Hilton.

Americans have always enjoyed the antics of assholes because their villainy gives us something both to jeer at and to make us feel better about our own perceived ethical superiority, and with the unfortunate rise of reality TV it was inevitable that scrawny, vapid heiress Paris Hilton would occupy the national spotlight and consciousness for obnoxiously flaunting her wealth and the carte blanche that it allows her, all while contributing nothing of any real value whatsoever to the world at large. She has no discernible talents — unless you count standing around and smirking while flashbulbs erupt around her gangly ass — comes off as dumber than a sack full of doorknobs when she speaks, is barely a "6" on the physical attractiveness scale (and is well into the negatives on the personality index), looks like a female female impersonator, and made perhaps the single most uninteresting homemade sex video in the history of Western civilization. In all ways Paris Hilton is a useless, vacant, smirking cunt.

So why the fuck am I so fascinated by her?

Well, having grown up in a community littered with girls who were cut from the same entitled cloth — though not as Croesus-level loaded — I know the type very well and find them a highly odious breed. Blithely gliding through life while looking down their noses at the "common" folk (people who offer more genuine positivity to the planet by merely flipping hamburgers on a diner's grill) and flouting the rules imposed upon the rest of us because the world stands in awe of their wealth and perceived glamor. Knowing the type, I find myself hypnotized by their assholism and unbridled arrogance and tend to stay glued to their antics in hope that the unchecked escalation of said behavior will not only reinforce their own soulless idiocy, but also result in a public trainwreck of Chernobyl-like proportions.

Which brings me to La Hilton.

Hilton's current mishegas both amuses and appalls me, and when she was let out of jail yesterday due to "an unspecified medical condition" I was not in the least bit surprised. However, I was quite shocked and very amused when the judge had her taken from her home in handcuffs today and sent her back to jail, a move that reportedly led to Paris being hauled screaming out of the courthouse and calling for her mommy. I hope this ends up as a sleazy made-for-TV movie of the week, starring some disposable no-talent nymphette with less thespic ability than a crushed Kleenex box. In other words, just like Paris.

Here's the latest from the Associated Press:

Screaming Paris Hilton sent back to jail
By Linda Deutsch
Associated Press

LOS ANGELES - Paris Hilton was taken from a courtroom screaming and crying today seconds after a judge ordered her returned to jail to serve out her entire 45-day sentence for a parole violation in a reckless driving case. "It's not right!" shouted the weeping Hilton. "Mom!" she called out to her mother in the audience.

Hilton, who was brought to court in handcuffs in a sheriff's car, came into the courtroom disheveled and weeping. Her hair was askew and she wore a gray fuzzy sweatshirt over slacks. She wore no makeup and she cried throughout the hearing.
Her body also shook constantly as she dabbed at her eyes. Several times she turned to her parents who were seated behind her in the courtroom and mouthed the words, "I love you."

Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer was calm but apparently irked by developments of the morning. He said he had left the courthouse Thursday night having signed an order for Hilton to appear for the hearing. When he got in his car early today, he said, he heard a radio report that she would not appear and that he had approved a telephonic hearing. He said no such thing had been approved by him. "I at no time condoned the actions of the sheriff and at no time told him I approved the actions," he said of the decision to release Hilton from jail after three days. "At no time did I approve the defendant being released from custody to her home on Kings Road," he said.

Assistant City Attorney Dan F. Jeffries argued that Hilton should be returned to jail and said that was purely the judge's decision to make. He said that "her release after only three days erodes confidence in the judicial system." Hilton's attorney, Richard Hutton, implored the judge to order a hearing in his chambers at which he would hear testimony about Hilton's medical condition before making a decision. The judge did not respond to that suggestion. Another of her attorneys, Steve Levine, said, "The sheriff has determined that because of her medical situation, this (jail) is a dangerous place for her." "The court's role here is to let the Sheriff's Department run the jail," he said.

A former district attorney, Robert Philibosian, also represented Hilton. He said that the law supports the sheriff in making an independent decision on her custodial situation. The judge interrupted several times to say that he had received a call last Wednesday from an undersheriff informing him that Hilton had a medical condition and that he would submit papers to the judge to consider. He said the papers never arrived. Every few minutes, the judge would interrupt proceedings and state the time on the clock and note that the papers still had not arrived. He also noted that he had heard that a private psychiatrist visited Hilton in jail and he wondered if that person played a role in deciding her medical needs.

The last attorney to speak was another deputy city attorney, David Bozanich, who declared, "This is a simple case. There was a court. The Sheriff's Department chose to violate that order. There is no ambiguity." As he made the final pitch for Hilton's further incarceration, Hilton's entire body began trembling. She had a ball of tissue clutched in her hand and tears ran down her face. Seconds later the judge announced his decision. "The defendant is remanded to county jail to serve the remainder of her 45-day sentence. This order is forthwith," he said. Hilton screamed.

The courtroom was surrounded with eight deputies who immediately ordered all spectators out. Hilton's mother Kathy threw her arms around her husband Rick and sobbed uncontrollably. Deputies escorted Hilton out of the room, holding each of her arms as she looked back. The frenzy began early Thursday when sheriff's officials released Hilton because of an undisclosed medical condition and sent her home under house arrest with an electronic monitoring ankle bracelet. The Los Angeles County jail system is so overcrowded that attorneys and jail officials have said it is not unusual for nonviolent offenders like Hilton to be released after serving as little as 10 percent of their sentences. The sheriff's decision for an early release, however, was based on a medical condition rather than overcrowding.

Hilton's path to jail began Sept. 7, when she failed a sobriety test after police saw her weaving down a street in her Mercedes-Benz on what she said was a late-night run to a hamburger stand. She pleaded no contest to reckless driving and was sentenced to 36 months' probation, alcohol education and $1,500 in fines. In the months that followed she was stopped twice by officers who discovered her driving on a suspended license. The second stop landed her in Sauer's courtroom, where he sentenced her to jail.

And leave it to PerezHilton.com to have the last word on all of this with the photo below:

Weep, weep, weep!