GOTTA LOVE THAT OIRAN: The Joy Of ONE POINT ENGLISH LESSON

My buddy Mark Gilson recently clued me in on a Japanese TV show called VERMILLION PLEASURE NIGHT, a late night comedy series that applies the trademark Japanese lysergic entertainment quality to humor that's as bizarre as Godzilla with a strap-on, and out of all the madness I've found on it via YouTube there's one segment that works for me on the simultaneous levels of eye candy, educational programming, and sheer, straight-faced vulgarity. That segment is called "One Point English Lesson," and while it is, technically speaking, comedy, it definitely qualifies as legitimate language instruction.

It's a series of short bits that feature a charming actress in an oiran outfit doling out well-pronounced English tutorials on a minimalist set consisting of a screen and a futon.

I fell in love with her elegant beauty the second I laid eyes on her and was curious as to what she'd teach her audience. Simple greetings? Conjugation of verbs? Basic questions relating to everyday tasks?

"I'm hot for tee-chuuuuh..."

Well, imagine my pleasant surprise when she offered up how to describe one of my favorite hobbies:

I mean, how can I not love a tasty geisha going on about "first-rate cunt lapping?" And after repeating that immensely useful phrase a few times to make sure you got the pronunciation right, she splays out on the red-velvet-covered futon and acts out how the term could be potentially used, exhorting her unseen lover to come over and give her some of what she's just taught us to say, repeatedly moaning, "Come on, Toshi!" (Sadly, she does not lose the kimono.)

Language skills in action!

That's the formula followed in every segment, and each one is pretty funny, but the standout has got to be an exploration of several permutations of "I give good head," my favorite of which is the following:

"My grandmother gives good head" is just about the last thing I ever expected to hear from a geisha, although such an eventuality might not be too far out of the realm of possibility. Anyway, this awesomeness can be seen on good old YouTube if you click here .