EMILIO WOULD BE PROUD

Ever have one of those days when you're just feeling evil? I don't mean in a foul mood or just generally pissed off, I'm talking about EVIL. Fuckin' EE-VILL! Purenteed "gonna build me a death-ray and melt a Klingon language camp" kind of evil! And on those days you want to be dressed in the height of sartorial elegance that declares to the world you aim to conquer just what sort of horrifying entity you are. But where to turn to for such apparel?

Not long ago I was having a day at the design gulag that required I put on my THUNDERBALL soundtrack and pretend I was Emilio Largo, not only the number two man in the infamous (fictional) crime cartel SPECTRE, but also the single coolest opponent James Bond ever faced.

Adolfo Celi as Emilio Largo, the most pimp-a-licious of 007's foes.

Suave in that way possessed only by old school Italians, Largo simply emanated both power and snobbish malevolence, and you just knew that the only reason Bond overcame his schemes was because some hack writer rewrote the real outcome (in case you didn't know, James Bond movies are based-on-true-life docudramas that bring to life declassified cases from the files of MI-6, accurate down to the most minute detail). Whenever I see THUNDERBALL (1965) I tend to root for Largo just because he's such a balls-out pimp of a dude. Go ahead and call it a man-crush, I do not care.

As I sat at my workspace (it sure as hell can't be dignified with the term "desk") I decided I needed a t-shirt with the emblem of SPECTRE — the Special Executive for Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion — emblazoned across it, an item that would speak for me when I was too evil to be approached. So I searched the internet and found the wonderful t-shirt (and other stuff) site November Fire , a welcome repository of black shirts with all manner of horror/evil-related images. These guys had just the shirt I wanted:


Overjoyed, I decided to buy it, and the shirt in question arrived in my hands yesterday. Great quality material, a top-notch screen print on the front, a price considerably cheaper than if I'd purchased it here in the Big Apple...Yer Bunche was most pleased (although I would have left the actual name off of the shirt to keep people guessing, but that's just me). And the shirt came with an unexpected bonus, namely the company's catalog. I spent about an hour poring over its contents, and could easily blow about three-hundred bucks on many of the shirts and crazy belt buckles found within its pages. Check out their site for yourself, but I had to show you my two faves from their collection. For sheer geekery fused with coolness, this one's hard to beat:

And for us older fans of horror movies who are of an age to remember the days of "horror hosts," this shirt is indispensable:

Of all the people who influenced my love of macabre motion pictures, no one had a greater impact than Bob Wilkins, the late host of the Californian version of the venerable CREATURE FEATURES franchise. I have not seen a Bob Wilkins show since 1972, but I remember him like it was yesterday. Good teachers are hard to find, and Bob was a great teacher, so whoever thought to honor him with a t-shirt, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Now 'scuse me while I head out to convert the Statue of Liberty into a giant robot (with laser-firing titties) and use it to hold the East Coast for ransom to the tune of... $360, including postage & handling! And a sixer of Sapporo!

Yer Bunche, about to embark on my new career as a card-carrying megalomaniac.

I'll be courting investors and taking applications for henchmen, "hitters," Kirby-style tech wizards, and the all important concubine squad, so write in with your suggestions and qualifications today (picture requested).

I like to think Emilio would be proud.