HO-HO-HO: THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF CHRISTMAS PORNOGRAPHY

It's often been said that if you've thought of it, someone has made a porno about it, so does it come as any kind of a surprise to know that Christmas-related porn exists? Here's a sampling of that rarified genre, and I assure you all of it, including the written "plot" synopses culled from the packaging, is 100% the real thing.

This one was inevitable simply because of the title:

It's a Christmas tale with a true sense of giving. When Santa needs help delivering his gifts, the hottest babes come to fill his stockings. They're ready and willing to trim your tree, but just remember they want more than milk and cookies.

For those of you who protest the self-mutilating silicone route:

This holiday-themed homage to the petite rack features five gals who've had the good sense to stay away from the knife. In four festive scenes of Christmas debauchery, the compact gals get reamed by Santa and a leiderhosen-clad elf. Everyone is dressed like they should be adorning a department-store window. In the first scene, Angela Faith dreams of a Christmas boob-job, only to be rebuffed by Santa, who is dropped out of the sky by his reindeer to announce that he loves itty bitty titties. His red trousers fall to the ground to reveal a merry boner which he rams up the flat gal's rear end. Oh cum, all ye faithful!

Here's a little something for all the chubby-chasers out there:

Mommy gave Santa head and chugged down his milk. Then, Santa spread the joy like he spread her ass cheeks. Watch these hefty mommas rock the jingle bells!

One of the greatest titles ever:

Please Santa, cum down my chimney, All I Want For Christmas Is A Gang Bang! These Santas should be ringing bells outside the mall but instead they are ganging up and ringing the bells of these hot chicks. See these Santas put their North Poles in every hole these chicks have, now thats a present! So much cum you'll swear it's snowing.

Man, do I wish I'd thought up that last line!

This next one's nothing special, but the ad copy is worth a cheap giggle:

This Christmas Jessi Summers is unwrapping your package. This cum guzzlin' feature is packed with Santa's cock helpers sharing loads. We're taking it to the extreme for you perverts to spank your meat to.

And my favorite of the lot, THE TITS THAT SAVED XXX-MAS!

Like a live-action Rankin/Bass special gone horribly wrong, this one takes the oft-revisited plot of Santa needing help to save Christmas for whatever reason as its launching point, only I think the motivating factor here sure beats the living shit out of any of that Heat Miser and Snow Miser showtunes foofery. And how do you make the task of saving Christmas even more of a noble cause? By adding lots of tits, that's how! Where the hell was this special when I needed it during puberty? I can't answer that, but I'll see if this turns up in the Port Authority area's cutout bins after the New Year. Here's the synopsis:

'Twas the night before Christmas and panic reigns supreme at the North Pole! The magic is gone and unable to get his sleigh off the ground, Santa is about to cancel the world's favorite holiday. Lo and behold, luscious Mrs. Claus has an answer, but to perform a miracle she needs help from her husband's horny little helpers. Chloe Dior, Rebecca Love, Kiki D'aire and Ava Divine (as Mrs. Claus) star in this holiday romp. Curl up in front of the fire with four gorgeous, busty stars as they show you the difference between naughty and nice!

"And to all a good night," indeed!