PORN TITLES OF THE MONTH

Perhaps shockingly to some readers and those who know me outside of the Internet, my excursions into the realms of pornography have been sort of on hold as my "funemployment" continues, but I just received word of two new releases that just made me crack the hell up. First is DON'T TELL MY WIFE I ASSFUCKED THE BABYSITTER 2, obviously a much-called-for sequel to one of the classics of contemporary cinema.

Is it just my febrile imagination at work, or does the actress depicted look like a younger version of Brit-babe kitchen goddess Nigella Lawson? Just a little, no? Think about the tenderloin cinematic possibilities of a XXX version of NIGELA EATS. It wouldn't even need a title-change!

But the clear winner this week is the staggeringly matter-of-fact VAGINA THE MOVIE.

How the hell no one thought of that as a title for a porno movie before now is a mystery that will perhaps never be solved, but at least it now exists. Here's how the listing describes this no-brainer masterpiece:

After over 5,000 successful years on planet Earth, Vagina has finally been made into a full length motion picture!

Probably the most single loved thing ever, Vagina will draw you in and never let you go. See the insider story of Vagina firsthand and find out why people wear 'I Love Vagina' t-shirts. It's warm, it's moist and it loves to be loved! Vagina the Movie shows you how and why, much like a fingerprint, not any two vaginas are exactly alike. Now you can sample some of the best ones ever, a movie you can watch with most of the family.

By my armchair estimate, the excellence of vagina has been around for considerably more than 5,000 years, but then again this is probably not intended be a scholarly treatise or a documentary. In fact, I'm willing to overlook this inaccuracy thanks to the film's tagline that gets it absolutely right:

"Controlling the universe since the dawn of time."

No way am I about to argue with that one. It's a plain and simple truth, and I totally bow to the mastery of vagina. That said, I'm willing to bet that the video itself cannot possibly live up to its lofty, all-encompassing concept.