SUNDAY'S PORN DAY!

Let's start things off this week on a pleasant note with this collection purporting to be the best of porn stalwart Nina Hartley.

I've always liked Nina's sunny personality and the razor-keen intelligence she projects both onscreen and off, dishing out sound advice on sex for all who are wise enough to listen. I think she's cooler than polar bear shit and deserves every ounce of her success.

One of the grand dames of old school filth was Candy Samples, who earned her fame thanks to her fucking ginormous 48DD jugs. I like big ol' titties but there can be too much of a good thing and Samples was just that.

There are those who have a fond place in their hearts for Samples, but I never got into her because she always came off to me like somebody's drunk grandmother.

This week's award for poorest title goes to OFFICIAL BOUNTY HUNTER PARODY 2.

When the title is this unimaginative, it does not bode well for the onscreen fucking.

I don't know if it's any good or not, but it always brings a smile to my face when a perennial porn concept like the teacher/student thing is once more re-invented for a new era.

Plus, this stars my boy Tom Byron, a veteran of the industry who has worked both in front of and behind the camera, and who possesses a penis that bears an uncanny resemblance to a Sabrett hot dog; so much so that when I first saw it in action in a long-ago Traci Lords flick, I imagined an arm reaching in from off-camera with a squeeze-bottle of Gulden's to apply mustard onto the thrusting member.

It's finally come to this: Donald Trump parody porn.

I would rather watch the real Donald take off that appalling hair piece and fuck that instead.

There probably been at some point prior to the advent of Obama, but has there ever been any straight-up presidency-related porn?

It's so silly that it cracks me up and I hope there's a sequence where "Barrack" gets it on a three-way with a Hilary Clinton stand-in and a Sarah Palin lookalike.

NASTY ANAL TRYOUTS...

Um, when it comes to anal, isn't stating "nasty" rather redundant?

The hot lifeguard thing is another classic trope, especially in the wake of BAYWATCH, and I have to say I rather like this Pam Anderson stand-in's smouldering expression.

And taking her pendulous implants into account, is a flotation device at all necessary?

This last offering is just plain sad.

Yes, that's actually the nineteen-year-old daughter of TV/movie star Laurence Fishburne, who figured that starring in porn would be a good way to kick off her career, an inspiration reportedly found in the "work" of the utterly fucking useless blight upon society that is Kim Kardashian. Needless to say, her dad is beyond mortified and Montana does not come off as all that bright in the way she handled all of this. I admit that I was pretty much an idiot at her age, but to do something like this that's obviously meant to cash in on her dad's name and fame is just ghastly.