SUNDAY'S PORN DAY!-late edition

Sorry I'm nearly twenty-four hours late in posting this, but I spent much of last night and today enduring the torments of food poisoning. Lemme tell ya, there's nothing fun about simultaneous projectile evacuation from both ends, and I thank whatever gods there may be for giving someone the life-saving idea of designing bathrooms so that the tub is right next to the sink. Anyway, to filth!

Here's a scenario for you to ponder: You've just come home from a long day at your shitty job and the only thing on your mind is "relaxing the gentleman's way." You know what I mean. A bit of "the old man shuffling dice." "Cranking the glue gun." "Working the fleshy butter churn." So, what is there for you to choose from to facilitate the free-flying of hot gobbets of DNA? How about this little charmer?

I can't show the back of the packaging here, but let's just say that the very cute babysitters depicted on it are sporting what look like rogue kielbasa between their legs.

What? You say that's not working for you? Then let's try this posterior-centric offering:

This image would have been perfectly complemented by a model of Neil Armstrong walking on the moon glued to the actress' ass, but I'm guessing the budget would not allow for that. And you'll thank me for censoring her gaping genitalia. I'll be completely honest and state my appreciation of a lady's "rare" interior portions, but in this particular instance I swore I could almost hear a cavern-like echo emanating from her rather splayed vadge.

Going from one extreme to another, we have this sensitive examination of cross-cultural communication and ebony-hued masculine equipment that shares much in common with the souvenirs doled out on any given baseball stadium's "bat day" promotional.

Let me assure you, that's not an ALIEN-style chest-burster that she's grasping.

If that's not to your liking, there's always the ongoing avalanche of porn parodies to choose from. I was recently hipped to the biker crime drama SONS OF ANARCHY by my old friend Jim Browski, and it's truly great, so a tenderloin version was inevitable. The biker genre has fueled exploitation films and porn (especially in the gay field) since at least the 1960's, and there is much in this latest iteration of the form that could easily be re-dressed (or not) for the adult market.

As to whether this parody is any good, I cannot venture an opinion because I have not seen it. That said, it looks like little effort at actual by-definition parody was put into it, other than hiring an actor who bears a minimal resemblance to the show's protagonist and renting some motorcycles for prop accuracy.

I posted about this next one earlier this week on Facebook and asked all and sundry if this could be final, concrete evidence that we are truly living in "the last days." Who, I say WHO feels the honest need for the existence of Oprah-based stroke fodder?

I'm willing to bet there will be an Oprah/Gayle girl-on-girl segment, but what will this be about when no action's going on? Will they recreate actual talk show-style banter with guest who are there to discuss "issues?" This just sounds like a flat-out boner killer/mangina creator.

And who in their right mind has a need for porn based on a game show that features unfunny '80's comic Howie Mandel, star of WALK LIKE A MAN (1987), one of the worst mainstream films ever made?

Seriously, does anyone actually expect this to sell? I'm thinking it was made as a tax writeoff.

I can almost understand how there's a porn version of this late-1970's sitcom classic, what with characters like Bailey and Jennifer to translate to the filthiverse, but I hope and pray there is no fuck scene involving a Les Nessman stand-in.

And while I can understand the fusion of the porn and horror genres and even the finding of certain monster archetypes sexy, at what point in history did Leatherface, a chainsaw-wielding 'tard who aids in the manufacture of chili made from humans, become "hot?"

And I'm betting that there are sequences of the women in the flick being horribly mowed down with a gas-driven power tool, and that I can definitely do without in the context of a sex flick.

Since the parodies have clearly bottomed-out this week, there's always the "mature" sub-genre to rely on.

Then again, maybe not...

I remember the MILFs from my youth — an era nearly twenty years prior to the invention of the term — being genuinely hot, but that may just have been the perception of a hormone-driven high school kid and the chicks seen on this packaging may be the more realistic representation of what lurked beneath the garments of my friends' moms. (Though not in the case of a friend whose mom was a genuinely smokin'-hot Semitic-looking professional belly dancer. Now, she was mouth-watering!)

And from that sobering thought, here's an even more sobering image and title to contemplate, and from White Ghetto Films, no less:

Did you ever in a million years think you'd see the words "insane hairy granny pussy" used in a blurb as a selling point? I know I certainly didn't!

And with that, I leave you to shiver in the fetal position in the corner of your choosing until next week. Peace out! (Or should that read "piece?")