VERMIN INVASION 2017

12:51am

With the extensive renovation/gutting work being done on the building next door I expected a certain amount of verminous displacement to make its way into my building, and the sounds and evidence found around my apartment lately lead to me correctly concluding that I have unwanted visitors. I've had to deal with mice many times during my two decades here but what I just saw scamper across my counter top was either the biggest fucking mouse I have ever seen, or it was a straight-up rat. Mice are one of the few creatures I have a serious phobia about, so you can imagine how I feel about rats making their way into my home. I just got back from buying out the 24/7 convenience store's supply of large traps, and now my counter top area looks like a series of obstacles that would daunt even Indiana Jones. But NYC rats are a hardy and clever foe, so I can only hope to wake up to find the interloper well and truly snagged. And believe me, if I were not allergic, I would have employed good old Ninja, the badassed black cat from the garden next door, and let her put her vermin-destroying feline talents to the immediate test...

2:00am

The interloper is definitely a medium-sized rat, and it managed to pull its way free from one of the traps. I heard it when it first got mildly ensnared and its movements pushed the trap out of position. I waited for a couple of minutes to see if it would move again and thus further secure itself, and then I clapped a couple of times to spook it into moving. I was able to get a good look at it before it managed to pull itself free and disappear behind a cabinet, and looking at the traps I realize I may have to hit the local super-dependable hardware store for some traps with Paste-Pot Pete-level glue.

What I have currently deployed is certainly sticky, but the rat in question managed to get free before I could make my way over, cover it with another trap, and then dispose of it. It's gonna be a looooong night...

7:43am

TRIUMPH!!! Well, mostly...

After the verminous interloper made good on its first escape, I figured it would wait for a while before making another attempt at raiding my counter area. I took advantage of its down time and got the counter top super-organized and scrubbed with bleach (for the second time in 24 hours), made sure the numerous traps were positioned in such a way that it would have been impossible for the rat to make its way from behind the pantry to across my stove and onto the counter without a THUNDERBALL-style rocket pack, and put down some bay leaves to draw it out with their yummy scent. (Bay leaves, while irresistible to rats, are also poisonous to them, but they don't know that.) I then turned off the lights and settled into bed, listening to the most recent Bill Burr podcast, and just before it ended I heard sounds of activity as the interloper fumbled about while stuck in the trap closest to the rear of my stove. I let it thrash around some more, so it would get well and truly stuck, and when I got up to see what was up I found a decent-sized rat, its lower half stuck to a big glue platform. 

With its front legs it tried to dive behind the stove, but it was stuck too firmly to the trap, which was cumbersome and would not have fit through the hoped-for escape space. As it squealed loudly upon seeing me, it redoubled its efforts, but to no avail. I quickly grabbed another trap platform and covered the rat, making a squirming vermin sandwich, which i bolstered with yet another trap. There was no fucking way that the rat was getting out of that, so, while keeping pressure on the rat sammich, I grabbed a heavy-duty garbage bag and dumped the critter into it, tying it shut to prevent all possibility of escape. 

I then took it outside and intended to drop it into one of the trashcans on one of the four corners near my apartment, but instead I handed it off to the nice garbage man who happened to be emptying one of the cans into his garbage truck. I told him what was in the bag and as his eyes narrowed, an evil grin split his weathered face from ear to ear and he said, "Good. I fucking hate these fuckers!" And with that he unceremoniously dumped the vanquished vermin into the back of the truck with the rest of the garbage.

That was all well and good, but as I sat here typing this up, I saw the moving tail of another, smaller rat stealthily cruising the floor not far from my bed, presumably looking for its companion. This time I have baited the remaining traps with crumbled bits of Reese's peanut butter cups, leaving one near my bed, one on the floor close to the stove, and two on different parts of the counter. 

The waiting continues...