My
Facebook page often ventures into discussion of the James Bond
franchise with like-minded buffs, and the discussion often get heated. I
prefer the more grounded entries, with a minimum of gadgets and
groan-inducing puns and gags, while others eat that stuff up and favor
stories where there more outlandish, the better. As NO TIME TO DIE, the
pandemic-delayed 25th entry in the series, looms, I was recently asked
about my thoughts on the overall series, so after much pondering and
shuffling of placement, here's my ranking of all 24 official James Bond
films from Eon Productions, from least-favorite to the cream of the
crop. Please write in with comments and your take.
24. DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER (1971)
After
the excellence of ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE, George Lazenby
vacated the role of 007, so the studio lured Sean Connery back by paying
him an obscene amount of money, plus other assorted perks. Irredeemably
idiotic trash that ignores the tragic events of the previous film's
conclusion, this mess moves Bond into the 1970's, and it's a transition
that just does not work. A complete waste of Connery in his last film
for the official series, this one includes a pointless moon buggy chase,
a pair of acrobat females for Bond to battle, a pair of homosexual
hitmen, and Charles Gray as a laughable iteration of Blofeld. For
completists only. Otherwise, you can skip this and miss nothing.
23. A VIEW TO A KILL (1985)
Musical accompaniment: the Beach Boys' "California Girls." I shit you not.
Cringe-worthy
garbage featuring a 130-year-old Roger Moore who hot dogs while
snowboarding. Not even Christopher Walken and Grace Jones as the baddies
can save this disaster. Exceptional theme song, though.
22. SPECTRE (2015)
Terrible
across the board, with the exception of a stunning opening on the Day
of the Dead in Mexico. Wimpiest theme song of the entire run, and the
idiotic development regarding Blofeld is worthy of earning the
screenwriter a severe caning.
21. QUANTUM OF SOLACE (2008)
Marred
by massive production difficulties, this is more like "Quantum of So
What?" Incomprehensible, with headache-inducing editing. That said, I
only saw this one once, so I would be willing to give it a second
chance, but I fucking hated it upon seeing it on opening weekend.
20. THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH (1999)
Mediocrity
defined, all involved just phoned it in for this lifeless time-waster.
Denise Richards, the human bobblehead, fails to be believable as a
scientist, though I have to give it up for Elektra King (Sophie
Marceau), the series first female Big Bad.
19. DIE ANOTHER DAY (2002)
A
festival of bad tropes with an awful theme song, an invisible car, a
Chinese villain who turns into a white man, the unwelcome presence of
Madonna as a fencing instructor (!!!), and Bond parasailing while
surfing atop a tidal wave. Redeeming factor: Halle Berry as Jinx,
rocking a nod to the Ursula Andress DR. NO bikini.
18. THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS (1987)
Great
opening sequence that returns Bond to gritty basics, let down by every
other aspect being boring and painfully overlong. Wholly unmemorable
theme song by a-ha...SERIOUSLY???
17. LIVE AND LET DIE (1973)
Bond and blaxploitation do not
mix. Embarrassingly racially offensive, even when it came out, it also
features possibly the most overrated theme song out of the lot — Yeah, I
said it! Come at me! — and the noxious presence of "comic relief"
redneck stereotype Sheriff J.W. Pepper (Clifton James). For a long time,
before I rewatched the majority of the series, this ranked at the
bottom of my list. Redeeming features: Jayne Seymour as the toothsome
Solitaire, and the hilarious/ridiculous demise of Mr. Big.
16. MOONRAKER (1979)
Like
LIVE AND LET DIE, this is the tragic result of the Bond series
attempting to cash in on trends instead of setting them. Having nothing
to do with the source novel aside from some character names, this is 007
in the wake of the ultra-blockbuster box office success of STAR WARS
(1977) and by this point the series was too jokey and outlandish for its
own good. Balls-out awful, but hilarious if approached as a piss-take.
15. OCTOPUSSY (1983)
Barely
passable, ridiculous plot, forgettable theme song, and Bond
un-ironically disguised as a circus clown. (see above) Acceptable if you
have nothing better to do on a rainy afternoon.
14. GOLDENEYE (1995)
Decent but overlong and occasionally dull, but somewhat redeemed by the homicidal hilarity of Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen).
13. THE SPY WHO LOVED ME (1977)
I'm
gonna get shit for this, but this one is simply far too '70's/disco era
for my tastes, plus its an almost beat-for-beat remake of YOU ONLY LIVE
TWICE, which struck me as the height of creative laziness. I also was
not fond of Jaws (Richard Kiel), a hulking assassin who's pretty much a
cartoonish "upgrade" of GOLDFINGER's Oddjob.
12. THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN (1974)
Admittedly
mediocre/bad, but mindless fun, this was released the year after ENTER
THE DRAGON and Bruce Lee captivated the common zeitgeist, so, much like
it had done with blaxploitation in LIVE AND LET DIE, the franchise again
mined a popular trend, this time the then-still-exotic East and
chopsocky ass-whuppin'. Bond travels to (among other locales) Hong Kong,
where he almost gets his ass handed to him by an entire martial arts
school, until his bacon is saved by the most badassed pair of
schoolgirls you have ever seen (see above). The rest of the story is
mostly an excuse for another travelogue, but come on. It's all about
Bond versus Christopher Lee. It's one of the few times when I genuinely
rooted for the bad guy to win. Extra points for introducing the world to
Herve Villechaise as the diminutive henchman Nick Nack. However, points
majorly detracted for the unwelcome return of Sheriff J.W. Pepper, and
the unforgivable inclusion of a slide whistle sound effect over and
otherwise spectacular car stunt.
11. THUNDERBALL (1965)
One of the definitive entries, sometimes for all the wrong reasons, (which I have discussed at length here)
this is the first of the extravagant 007 travelogue spectacles, as
well as being the first overlong installment, which is in no way helped
by the turgid pacing. Features two of the all-time hottest Bond girls —
Fiona Volpe (Luciana Paluzzi) and Dominque "Domino" Derval (Claudine
Auger) — a terrific opening sequence, a villain who's as cool as 007
(Emilio Largo, played by Adolfo Celi), and my pick for the best of the
theme songs. Tom Jones reportedly fainted after hitting that incredible
sustained final note, and I totally believe it.
10. DR. NO (1962)
It
all had to start somewhere, and while it has its moments, it's
primitive, basic, and has aged/dated rather badly, but we do get the
introduction of the Sean Connery Bond, and he is nothing less than
mesmerizing. The classic James Bond theme instrumental is introduced,
and the film is pretty much stolen by Ursula Andress in what can only be
described as an era-defining bikini. An unexpected hit that spawned a
franchise which continues just shy of sixty years later.
9. YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE (1967)
Bond
fakes his death (for no good reason), goes to Japan to investigate
SPECTRE stealing space capsules in a bid to ignite WWIII, flies the
awesome Little Nellie (an autogyro with more ordnance than your average
battleship), gets married, and receives plastic surgery that turns him
into the least-convincing Japanese man this side of Mickey Rooney in
BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S. Sporting a great theme song from Nancy Sinatra
and some incredible sets by Ken Adam, this is one of the definitive
entries whose tropes are frequently parodied. (The first Austin Powers
movie cribs heavily from this.) It's a lot of fun, if occasionally
sluggish at points, despite it coming off like a lavish episode of
THUNDERBIRDS and Sean Connery very obviously fed up with being in these
films.
8. TOMORROW NEVER DIES (1997)
My
pick as Pierce Brosnan's most fun effort as Bond, this features
memorable set pieces, a terrific theme song from Cheryl Crow, and,
Michelle Yeoh as the coolest and toughest Bond girl of the lot.
7. LICENCE TO KILL (1989)
Bond
is at his most savage and Flemingesque as he goes off the reservation
to avenge the mutilation-by-shark of friend and colleague Felix Leiter
(David Hedison), whose wife was also gang-raped and murdered (on their
wedding day no less). This one polarizes Bond fans thanks to its hard
edge and shockingly vicious violence, but I'm a reader of the Fleming
novels, so I found most of the films up to this point to be lacking the
sadistic nastiness of Bond's creator, therefore I dug this. It has a
great SCARFACE-influenced villain played by Robert Davi and bears a
sense of tension throughout as 007 pursues his vendetta without the
approval of MI-6. Very good until the weak final third and the
questionable inclusion of Wayne Newton as a superfluous minor villain.
6. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981)
After
the cartoonish excesses of MOONRAKER, it was back to basics, resulting
in what is hands down Moore's best Bond effort. Minimal gadgets and
quips, plus a nastier edge that evokes Fleming. A bit '80's-dated but
still very good.
5. GOLDFINGER (1964)
GOLDFINGER (jovially): No, Mister Bond...I expect you to DIE."
Arguably
the most iconic film in the series, Its every aspect carved the basic
Bond template in stone, which was a bad thing because they more or less
repeatedly remade it for the next two decades. It's also something of an
oddity because Bond spends the majority of the running time a prisoner
of the superb title villain, but that's offset by classic characters
like Pussy Galore, Oddjob, the rolling arsenal that is the legendary Q
Division Aston Martin DB5, John Barry's stellar score, and Shirley
Bassey's indelible title song. This is the goods, kids, and if your mom
saw it when it came out, Sean Connery in this made her wetter than a
swamp.
4. SKYFALL (2012)
The second-best of Daniel Craig's run and a high point for the franchise. After
the disappointment of QUANTUM OF SOLACE, I went to this with the lowest
of expectations, but what I got was a superb modern entry and one of
the very finest of the series. Solid plot, tough-as-nails 007, a great
villain whose revenge plot against Judi Densch's M is understandable,
and the full-force return of the Aston Martin DB5.
3. ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969)
The
first Bond without Sean Connery, this has one of the strongest plots in
the run, and newcomer George Lazenby does an adequate job as 007 in
what would be his sole turn in the role. Too bad he didn't stick around,
because he likely would have improved had he done more entries. The
plot hews close to the source novel and this would have taken the #1
slot on my list if Connery had starred, but that minor quibble is made
up for by brisk direction and incredible cinematography, a quick pace
that belies its long running time, Telly Savalas as arguably the most
formidable iteration of Blofeld, and Diana Rigg as the most tragic of
the Bond women. The instrumental title theme is one of John Barry's
best, and he kind of ripped himself off when more or less remaking it as
the theme for the posthumous Bruce Lee film, GAME OF DEATH (1978).
2. CASINO ROYALE (2006)
A
superb, shattering modernization of the first Bond novel, as well as a
soft reboot for the series, with not a missed note in the whole
endeavor. Basically Bond's origin story, this one's so good, you won't
care that Bond has a face like a bulldog and is a blonde. All of the
elements fire on all cylinders, resulting in a top-notch 007 thriller.
1. FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE (1963)
The rarest of the rare: an immediate sequel that far exceeds its predecessor.
The
second in the series and the most no-bullshit Bond of the entire run,
as well as one of the best spy films ever made .This
Hitchcock-influenced effort hews close to the source novel, largely
eschews over-the-top gadgets and quips, and gives us a solid Cold
War-era straight espionage thriller with excellent villains and arguably
the best/most realistic fight scene in the entire series. Though it may
come off kind of slow by modern standards, the strength here is the
plot and the performances, all of which are top shelf. Especially
memorable are Bond's Turkish ally, Ali Kerim Bey (Pedro Armendariz),
Istanbul's more fun answer to MI-6's M; terrifying ultra-butch Russian
SPECTRE agent Rosa Klebb (Lotte Lenya), whose overtly predatory dykiness
must have been quite shocking some sixty years ago; psycho hitman Red
Grant (Robert Shaw), and the lovely honey pot Soviet agent Tatiana
Romanova (Daniella Bianchi), who is unwittingly played by SPECTRE and
ends up in it way over her head. Simply put, this is everything a Cold
War-era populist spy thriller should be, and it is in every an
improvement on its predecessor.
And here's hoping that NO TIME TO DIE ends the Daniel Craig era with a bang, rather than a whimper!
From "8 James Bomb Bomb Movies" (MAD MAGAZINE #165, March 1974)
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