WHEN THE WELFARE WARLOCK COMES A-KNOCKIN'

So, last night a dear friend who is renovating a house in Fresno, California filled me in on how some shirtless weirdo had earlier that day been on her house's porch, looking around, acting sketchy, and testing the windows. My friend, being the smartest person I know, rigged the place with tight security tech, including motion detectors and cameras, so she was alerted when the guy showed up. 

 

(sung) "Mystery Daaaate...Are you ready for your Mystery Date? Will he be a dream? Or will he be a dud?"
 

My friend eventually went out and confronted him, remaining calm and speaking in soft, reassuring tones, as is her nature. She asked "Can I help you?" and the guy politely conversed with her, asking questions about the house renovation — too many questions, if you get my drift, and that was not lost on my sharp-as-a-blade friend — and being odd in general, My friend says the dude was either mentally ill or tripping hard on something, so she treated him with kindness in order to lull him into behaving himself. As California is in the midst of a crippling heatwave, she offered the guy a bottle of water, which he gratefully accepted, and then she told him it was time for him to leave. He politely complied and wandered off, so Suzi went back inside. She also called the police and a big friend who lives across the street.

 

(Sung) "Open the door... to your...Mystery Date...

 

Her friend came outside and pretended to do yard work while keeping an eye on the cosmic traveler. Suzi also kept an eye on him via her security cameras, and she tells me that the guy noticing her garden hose and performing some kind of tripped-out ritualistic dance with it was something I should have been there to witness. Anyway, shortly after he began his dance, the police showed up, my friend had alerted the cops to the guy being non-threatening, and she also asked them to be nice because he never threatened her or harmed her in any way.

 

A while later, a cop, who happens to live a few house down the block, came over and filled her in on what happened after they took the welfare warlock away. Turns out he's a registered sex offender. Oh, joy!