31 DAYS OF HORROR 2025 - Day 9: THE TOUCH OF SATAN (1971)

Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered: a diabolical love story.

It's 1971 and Jodie (Michael Berry) embarks on a self-searching road trip into rural California, trying to figure out if he wants to become a lawyer like his dad. While stopped near a pond to enjoy lunch, Jodie encounters Melissa (Emby Mellay), a pretty and rather eerie young woman who lives on a nearby walnut farm with two older people who appear to be her parents, along with an ancient crone who periodically commits murders that the family covers up. Melissa aggressively puts the moves on Jodie, blatantly attempting to lure him into staying forever, which her "parents" do not seem at all thrilled about, and as he sticks around foir a few days, Jodie slowly notes just how weird the family is, and how the town's locals openly fear and shun Melissa because they all know she is a witch. When a disbelieving Jodie asks why they think she's a witch, Melissa nonchalantly responds with "Because I am." 

Melissa (Emby Mellay), a Californian witch for the ass-end of the hippie era.

At first skeptical, Jodie soon comes to believe Melissa's assertion, especially after experiencing a flashback outlining how her older sister was going to be burned at the stake by torch-wielding locals until Melissa made a pact with the Devil to save her sister. That was over a century ago, and now Melissa is 127 years old, but not looking a day over her mid/late 20's, while her sister is cursed with being an insane crone with homicidal tendencies who is impossibly old and decrepit, but cannot die. The only way for Melissa to be freed from her bargain with darkness is to have sex with Jodie, but once the beast with two backs is inevitably made, Melissa physically accelerates to her true age, and with no other way to save her, Jodie makes the ultimate sacrifice...

When you can't resist her witchy ways.

Like many others, I had never heard of THE TOUCH OF SATAN until it aired as fodder for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 mockery, but as I watched it in that showcase, I added it to my short list of films that did not deserve that treatment. Sure, it's slow-moving, suffers from wooden performances by unknowns, offers only the most meager displays of witchery, features ludicrous and poorly-delivered dialogue, and features not even two seconds of scares, but the overall concept was solid and would have benefited from a larger budget, more assured direction that didn't look like a bland run-of-the-mill made-for-TV movie (despite the cinematographer later going on to shoot BLADE RUNNER). 

From the MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 version: an example of the awful dialogue.

It came out three years after the success of ROSEMARY'S BABY and two years before THE EXORCIST opened an international floodgate of "devil junk" cash-ins, so its conceptual merits stood no chance of being remembered in the in-between space separating the tale of a woman facing the ultimate betrayal and being used as Satan's broodmare and the matter-of-fact super-graphic depiction of a 12-year-old girl's degradation and transgressions while possessed by a nasty Assyrian demon. It has a certain. amount of heart and originality, but there's no real spark here or any moment in which it indelibly burns itself into the viewer's memory. That said, it's definitely worth a look as a mild satanic curiosity.

Poster from the theatrical release. 

 

Poster featuring an alternate title,

31 DAYS OF HORROR 2025 -Day 8: SHIVER ME TIMBERS (2025)

Yet another 2025 attempt at cashing in on Popeye's recent transition to the public domain.

I made it through POPEYE THE SLAYER MAN and POPEYE'S REVENGE, so I had to watch SHIVER ME TIMBERS, a third Popeye-related slasher movie released in 2025. SHIVER ME TIMBERS is far and away the worst of the lot, as a whole lot of nothing happens during the first half, and despite some so-so gore, most of the rest of the film is a study in uninteresting padding, and it again trots out a "plot" virtually identical to the two that preceded it. There's even toxic waste involved in the mayhem, but this one includes a memorably ludicrous homemade chainsaw named "Bernice," in a nod to the magical whiffle hen character from the classic Popeye comics by E.C. Segar.

 

The modern iteration of Bernice. 

Of the three Popeye slashers, the only one that I can recommend in good faith as at least a fun waste of time is POPEYE THE SLAYER MAN. The rest are optional, with SHIVER ME TIMBERS being a complete and utter waste of time that should be avoided. Don't even give this turd a chance. 

 Poster for the (thankfully) limited theatrical release.

31 DAYS OF HORROR 2025 -Day 7: POPEYE'S REVENGE (2025)

2025 is truly the year of gory schlock adaptations of Popeye. 

After sitting through POPEYE THE SLAYER MAN, I found out there are at least two more Popeye-as-slasher movies out there, in an attempt to cash in on the character having recently crossed over into the public domain, where anyone can make a film using him and his world. Being the cinematic masochist that I am, I sat through POPEYE'S REVENGE (2025), and I was amazed to find that other than it being British of origin, it was virtually identical to POPEYE THE SLAYER MAN, beat for beat and almost right down to every last detail. As noted with POPEYE THE SLAYER MAN, POPEYE'S REVENGE is basically yet another tired adherent to the FRIDAY THE 13thj template, only with Popeye standing in for Jason Voorhees. There's zero suspense and it barely makes it over the line into amusing territory. That said, It was instantly forgettable, though there was some decent gore and general savagery. 

Poster for the streaming release. 

31 DAYS OF HORROR 2025 -Day 6: POPEYE THE SLAYER MAN (2025)

That's all he can stands, an' he can't stands no more.

POPEYE THE SLAYER MAN (2025) is competently made, but it's an incredibly lazy example of taking a nearly century-old IP that's recently crossed into the public domain and milking it with little or no imagination or creativity. 

The story (such as it is) basically dusts off the rote FRIDAY THE 13th formula, crosses out the word "Jason" and swaps in "Popeye," shifts the location from Camp Crystal Lake to an abandoned spinach cannery, on the docks, and has the implacable sailor (now mutated after decades of consuming canned spinach that's contaminated with mutagenic toxic waste) graphically murdering those who encroach on his home. 

 

Well, blow me down. 

Damned near every beat is straight out of any random FRIDAY THE 13th flick, plus the documentary aspect of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT shoehorned in for some added spice (albeit to a lesser degree), and about halfway through, I called the plot's big reveal, largely because I am deeply steeped in Popeye lore after a lifetime of being a fan of the character and his world (when they are handled well). Yes, there's a lot of cannon fodder wandering around the dark, labyrinthine cannery before they meet their brutal demises, but I have definitely seen far worse. It's a trifle that will likely be forgotten a day or two after seeing it, but at least it's not dull. That said, this is not the only Popeye public domain cash-in out there. Up next: POPEYE'S REVENGE (2025). 

  Ad for the initial release.

31 DAYS OF HORROR 2025 -Day 5: SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOY MAKER (1991)

 

"Joe Petto." (*snicker*) 

It was Friday the 13th in December of 2024, and I was looking for a Christmas horror movie, so I went on Amazon Prime and watched SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOYMAKER (1991). I’ll give it this much… It was NOT what I was expecting, which is not to say that it was good. In fact, it’s fucking ridiculous. I was curious about it because when the first in the series came out. Mickey Rooney acted as a voice of old, wholesome Hollywood in loudly condemning it, but come the 5th entry, he’s in it as the titular character. For an entry in a series that made its name for being a gory affront to Christmas and Santa, this one does almost nothing to earn its R-rating, and its plot is just ludicrous.

It’s two weeks before Christmas and a little boy receives an anonymous Christmas present on his front porch at night. His dad sees the kid opening the gift but he stops the boy and scolds him for opening the door at night, then orders him out of the room. Dad then opens the gift, which was moving, and he’s attacked by the toy inside, eventually stumbling toward the fireplace and fatally impaling himself through the eye with a poker. Two weeks later and there’s no mention of an investigation into the circumstances of the death, while the boy has been traumatized into a state of silence. His harried mother does her best to cope, but things get weird when toy maker Joe Petto (Mickey Rooney) enters the picture, and we meet his weird son, Pino. There’s also a mysterious man who seems to be stalking the mother and boy, and more deadly toys start turning up with dire results.

The gore is minimal for this sort of thing, which was a disappointment, and there’s no proper slasher per se, but when all is revealed at the end, it’s like something out of GOOSEBUMPS, but for adults. Not scary worth a damn, but perfect fodder for having friends over and watching it while engaging in one’s intoxicant of choice. And though it’s quite tepid, do stick with it for the last reel…

 

Promo poster for the video release.

31 DAYS OF HORROR 2025 -Day 4: SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT III: BETTER WATCH OUT (1989)

The return of Ricky.

In the wake of the events of SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT PART 2, Ricky Caldwell has lain in a coma for six years, after being filled with so much lead he could use his dick as a pencil. The facility where he's being cared for also does experiments on psychics, one of whom is a blind woman who sees visions of the future, as well as receiving visions from Ricky's scientifically-regenerated mind. As the psychic and her bohunk brother journey to their grandmother's house for Christmas, accompanied by the brother's air hostess girlfriend, Ricky escapes and of course launches on a rampage, despite wandering out of the hospital clad in a medical gown and having his brain exposed beneath a steel-rimmed plastic dome. (When encountered by soon-to-be victims, none of Ricky's targets notice anything odd about him until it's too late, which is frankly ridiculous. He lurches about like Karloff doing Frankenstein's monster.) With psychiatrist Richard Beymer (Tony in the 1961 version of WEST SIDE STORY) and detective Robert Culp (I SPY) in pursuit, it's only a matter of time until all paths converge for a Christmas to remember.

 

A stultifying bore, this direct-to-video would have resulted in irate audiences nationwide had it played theatrically. I can picture a grindhouse audience that had come for blood and boobs yelling at the screen during sequences like when the detective and the psychiatrist drive to the grandmother's house end discuss the detective's car phone and its plan. There's minimal gore and nudity, and the film again resorts to clips from the first film to pad things out, though not as egregiously as seen in the previous entry. In short, with not one single scary moment to be had from it, this one is entirely skippable.

 

Promo poster for the video release. 

31 DAYS OF HORROR 2025 -Day 3: RACE WITH THE DEVIL (1975)

Not your average back-road barbecue.

Two married couples embark on a getaway in a tricked-out camper and while parked across the lake from what appears to be hippie revelers, the husbands witness a full-blown satanic ritual, including nude participants and the sacrifice of a nubile young woman. The cultists notice that they have been observed, and it's off to the titular races, with intent as lethal as the witnessed human sacrifice.

When affluent mid-1970's white people encounter satanists, all hell breaks loose.

RACE WITH THE DEVIL is one of the more original examples of the fallout from THE EXORCIST two years prior, and believe me there was a deluge of "devil junk" from all over the world in its wake. This one's a serviceable little thriller-cum-car chase actioner with a supernatural angle, fronted by Peter Fonda, my man Warren Oates, and Loretta Swit (in what be her most prominent role outside of the long-running M.A.S.H teevee series), but despite the clear and present menace of the satanists (and damned near everyone that the heroes encounter after being seen by the coven), it's tepid enough to be indistinguishable from several of the made-for-TV horror flicks of that era, and nowhere near as scary as some of the stronger examples. (For instance TRILOGY OF TERROR, DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK, and of course THE NIGHT STALKER.) It's worth a look, and once it's clear that our protagonists are facing a no-win situation, the ending thankfully does not cop out. Bottom line: it's a strong concept that only halfway lives up to its considerable potential. This one cries out for an R-rated remake.

Poster for the theatrical release.

31 DAYS OF HORROR 2025 - Day 2: WOLF MAN (2025)

The extreme and inevitable results of generational trauma.

As they are my favorite classical monster, I will always give werewolf movies a chance, and more often than not I get burned. Such was case with Blumhouse's attempt at revivifying the Universal Wolf man template for modern audiences in much the same way that they succeeded with 2020's take on the Invisible Man. Instead of a straight werewolf yarn, what we get is an examination of generational family trauma and how it affects its adult survivors, and also the damage done to their children. 

Raised by a super-strict survivalist dad deep in the woods of Oregon and deeply impacted by their harsh relationship, Blake Lovell (Christopher Abbott) finds his adult life marked by a strained marriage, but he does his best to be the best father that he can be for his daughter. When his father dies, Blake takes his family on what's meant to be a trip to settle his father's estate, but that will also serve to help strengthen the family bond. What no one expects is the presence of a creature that stalks the deep woods, a creature that Blake's dad's harsh parenting prepared him for with little or no explanation. Local Native American legens mention a disease that renders the infected feral and savagely carnivorous, and while driving to his dad's estate, Blake becomes infected and slowly loses his humanity while trying to protect his wife and daughter from the creature that inflicted its curse upon him. There is no cure, and it's only a matter of time before the beast wins out, and mother and daughter are stranded in the deep woods, god knows how many miles from anything even resembling help.

The premise is interesting and the depiction of Blake's slow transformation is a study in tragic agony, but if you are looking for a werewolf story along the lines of THE HOWLING, AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, DOG SOLDIERS, LATE PHASES, or even the classic genre-defining 1941 THE WOLF MAN, you are shit out of luck. This WOLF MAN strives to be a study of the aforementioned trauma, as well as watching a loved one succumb to an incurable disease. It's not particularly scary, is rather dull, and in the end it's quite a disappointment and a squandered opportunity. I don;t even recommend this for werewolf purists. And, let's face it, the titular creature is simply not an actual lycanthrope. It's a person suffering from an infection. Instead, go for a re-watch of any of the aforementioned far better werewolf flicks.

 

                                                             Poster for the theatrical release.

31 DAYS OF HORROR 2025 - Day 1: NOSFERATU (2024)

Nothing like the love of an undead suckface.

So, a remake of the 1922 vampire classic NOSFERATU, from. the director of the superb THE WITCH (2015).

Basically Bram Stoker's DRACULA with character names changed, you know the basic story, so I won't bore you with a recap. What you need to know is that it's well-crafted and thick with eerie, dreamlike atmosphere, but it's also glacially slow and dull. The performances are all strong and that they kept the vampire a revolting monster instead of yet another rote sexy undead suckface seducer was a welcome bit of trope defiance, but I feel the same way about it as I felt about the 2010 remake of THE WOLFMAN. It came off to me like a particularly turgid and overlong installment of MASTERPIECE THEATER in Hammer drag, but Hammer's films generally moved briskly, were lavishly colorful, especially when it came to its signature bright red "Kensington gore," and I found myself connecting with the characters far more than I did with almost anyone in this remake. Yes, there are moments of genuine creepiness and eeriness, and some of the set pieces are outstanding — the squirming throngs of plague-infested rats are especially douche chill-inducing — and the sequences featuring the vampire absolutely deliver, but there's too little of him and far too much of the boring human characters, though there were standouts among them, with Lily Rose Depp being the MVP.

As for the fear factor, I personally found none of it scary, but it is undeniably eerie, so there's that at least. It's a very slow burn, with it taking far too long for the vampire to enter the narrative. In fact, it's a good half hour before he shows up at all, and the first half hour could have been excised entirely. The film could have been much tighter if it simply opened with the solicitor rendezvousing with Orlock's carriage and filled the audience in from there.

Orlock's scenes are great monster stuff — the way Count Orlock feeds is original and chilling, very beastlike — and when we finally get a decent look at him, he's a hulking presence that resembles what we got for the titular creature in KRAMPUS (2015), only minus the horns, beard, and Santa gear. This vampire is a predatory embodiment of disease, a living plague, if you will, and he exudes a malevolence that few cinematic vampires have wielded over the past four decades, so that was a plus. His decimation of several characters over a three-night period is quite nasty, including the unflinching depiction of him feeding on two adorable little girls. (Fuck spoilers. It's a monster movie, and monsters are gonna monster, provided that the filmmaker isn't a pussy, which Eggers certainly is not.) I just wish we had more of him instead of all the other Merchant Ivory costume drama.

Overall, I found this iteration of NOSFERATU to be an unnecessarily overlong slog, but I’m glad I saw it so I can join the discussion and write about it. That said, I won’t be revisiting it. The original silent version from 102 years ago is far superior, and I had a hell of a lot more fun with the vampire mayhem in 2024's ABIGAIL. Totally different flavor of vampire, to be sure, but I came to be entertained, not offered a Gothic soporific.

 Poster from the theatrical release.

31 DAYS OF HORROIR 2025-Intro

Another year, another 31 scary items to discuss.

If I may be candid, it has been one hell of a year. I survived a cardiac arterial bypass graft procedure, I've been bearing witness to my 92-year-old cancer-ridden mother's slow fading away, and a bunch of other shit, so being able to retreat into daily doses of spooky stuff will be a tonic for my soul. This year will be the usual hodgepodge of the good, the bad, and the fucking ridiculous, so saddle up and get ready for the ride!

 -Yer Bunche