So here I sit once again, beer in hand and chicken wings at the ready, for the annual SuperBowl of the movies, the Academy Awards, but this time I am allowing my imagination to place me in the audience at the show, gaily bedecked in my Sonny Chiba t-shirt, silver tuxedo jacket and ninja shoes. Let the fabulousness loose!!!
HORROR ON THE RED CARPET-
My vote for most visually disturbing star on the red carpet goes to the once cutely-humpable Renee Zellweger; I don't know what the fuck happened, but she looked like shit with those squinty eyes and sallow, hagggard features. Hey, where did my erection go?
CHRIS ROCK AS MASTER OF CEREMONIES-
As you know, Chris Rock was the host; the suits wanted him because people like him, I know that I certainly do, but I felt that much of his humor was innappropriate for the Oscars hoo-haa since the majority of it was aimed toward a specific demographic that goes for the whole dis-laden black standup thing and that I felt didn't neccessarily work for the Oscars, but opinions will no doubt vary. I grew up black (SURPRISE!!!) and have watched the Oscars since I can remember, and if anything it is a show about the fabulousness of Hollywood that all cultures should be able to have fun with since it's all about artifice, and Rock's monologue was basically a bitchfest — a mostly funny one, mind you — about the black take on movies and such. I very seriously doubt that he willl be back to host again.
BEYONCE KNOWLES SINGING THREE OF THE NOMINATED SONGS-
Admittedly, the music of the luscious Miss Knowles is not to my taste, so while some people may have dug it I put the sound on mute and cranked "Last Man at the Gang Bang" by Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles" (while the image onscreen was of Beyonce and an innocent-looking boys chorus), Iron Maiden's "Flight of Icarus," and Nina Hagen's "TV Glotzer" masking the maudlin nausea of "Believe," an excercise in duet-style "I Believe I Can Fly" sappiness with some non-descript white boy, all of which are hilarious when they seem to be coming from the mouth of a hot black chick in a selection of ball gowns.
BEST JOKE AT THE EXPENSE OF A PRESENTER-
Chris Rock introducing Halle Berry: "Our next presenter is an Oscar winner for her role in MONSTER'S BALL, and she will soon be seen in the eagerly awaited CATWOMAN 2. Miss Halle Berry!" When she walked out you could tell that she was fighting hard not to Slash Chris Rock's throat with the sharp edge of the envelope.
GROUPS OF NOMINEES WAITING IN A LINE TO SEE WHO WON-
I really hate this development in the ongoing efforts to make the show shorter than the running time of BERLIN ALEXANDERPLATZ (look it up on the IMDB to get that joke); they make teams of nominees in such categories as sound editing, visual effects and so on wait in line so they don't have to waste multiple camera shots on each person as they sit in the audience. Sadly, the resulting visual makes them look like a bunch of bums in thrift store suits waiting on line for a handout of free, watered-down Campbell's soup.
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE JUSTICE-
THE INCREDIBLES walked off with the statue for this category, and I am elated to see that the Academy didn't roll over for the insanely overrated piece of shit that was SHREK 2, a film that just floated there like a turd unless Puss In Boots was onscreen.
BEST USE OF LIVE AND ANIMATED PRESENTERS OF ALL TIME-
Pierece Brosnan came out — accompied by the strains of the James Bond theme, a tune that still kicks ass even after forty-forty-three years — to present the award for costume design but apologized for what was obviously a hoarse voice (I think it was for real). I was prepared for a pathetic presentation when who should stroll out to save the day with her trademark coolness but a Pixar-rendered Edna Mode, the "designer to supers" from THE INCREDIBLES! The timing of the interplay between her and Brosnan went on without a hitch and Edna did about 98% of the work, including reading all of the nominees with her signature asides. This kind of thing has been done several times over the years with varying and often disastrous results, but the technology has finally caught up with the conceit. Fuck it, I say have Edna host the whole goddamned shebang next year!
DAVID LETTERMAN "UMA/OPRAH" MEMORIAL AWARD FOR WORST ALLEGEDLY HUMOROUS BIT-
Adam Sandler and Catherine "I give my unspeakably fine pussy to a corpse" Zeta-Jones were announced as co-presenters, and Sandler's no-talent ass shows up alone and announces that Zeta-Jones can't make it (boners across the nation instantly go back to sleep) so Chris Rock comes out and reads her script portions in character as her. Everything "she" says is met with Sandler smirking into the camera and uttering variations on how her dress looks sexy or how she should be on display in the museum of sexiness... Hello? Is this thing on? Those in attendance gave some truly pathetic courtesy laughs and then Rock left the stage and let Sandler present whatever award it was.
CHRIS ROCK ON JEREMY IRONS-
"Ladies and gentlemen, comedy superstar Jeremy Irons!" to which Irons responded "So good to finally be recognized."
THOSE WACKY BRITS-
The director of the best live action short accepted her award, promised beers to all when she returned home and described the award thusly: "As we say in England, this is the dog's bollocks." Take that, FCC!
CARLOS SANTANA AND ANTONIO BANDERAS-
Introduced by Salma Hayek and her mouth-watering sweater munchkins, the two celebrated bean gods performed the theme song from THE MOTORCYCLE DIARIES and did a great job, but Antonio's hair looked stringy and so fucking greasy that you'd think he had stuck his entire head into an economy-sized tub of petroleum jelly. Plus, his haircut made him look like an Iberian Emo Phillips, and Carlos came off like a douche since he annoyingly chewed gum or tobacco throughout the performance, making him look like he was thinking "Where's my fucking check, you gringo scumbags?" This song won the little gold nekkid dude, and the award was presented His Royal Badness himself, namely Prince, and when the composer accepted the statue he dropped to one knee and kissed the Purple One's hand out of obvious reverence.
ANNETTE BENNING LOOKING LIKE A ROADSHOW CAST MEMBER OF "CATS" WHILE INTRODUCING THE MEMORIAL SEGMENT-
Hey! It's Magical Mister Mestopheles! Oh, shit! It's Annnette Benning! And she's got a bad Laurie Anderson hiarcut! AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!! Aw... there's Christopher Reeve and Ossie Davis (*SNIFF*)...
SEAN "PUFFY" COMBS INTRODUCES A NOMINATED SONG-
Puffy Daddy? At the fucking Academy Awards?!!? Too bad Ol' Dirty Bastard is taking the dirt nap because that would have been one hell of an introduction, Jack!
HILARY "KARATE KID 4" SWANK WINS HER SECOND OSCAR-
You GO, self-admitted trailer trash! And her thank you to Clint Eastwood was really cool; how often do you get to thank "the Man With No Name?" And if you ask me, she deserved a second Oscar on general principle for BOYS DON'T CRY because that performance was so agonizing and brave that one statue wasn't enough, so I chalk this one up to cosmic justice since that boxing shit was routine in every way. Aah, fuck you if ya don't like what I said.
SEAN PENN TAKES UMBRAGE AT CHRIS ROCK'S COMMENTS ON JUDE LAW-
During Rock's opening monologue, he commented "Who is Jude Law?" and made fun of the Limey replicant's onscreen ubiquity. Those remarks came back to haunt him when Sean Penn took the stage to present the award for Best Actress and pissily stated "I would like to address our host's question of 'Who is Jude law?' Jude Law is one of our finest actors who..." blah, blah, blah, go drink some whiskey, ya fuck! It was a JOKE. When he later retook the stage, Rock fired back with the equally childish "Hey, Sean Penn! My accountants would like to have a word with you." In other words, fuck yo' momma, white boy! Great, just what the Oscars need, a half-assed pissing contest.
CHARLIZE THERON PRESENTS THE BEST ACTOR AWARD-
Simply put, the best thing to come out of Africa since negroes. And I'd like to put some Africa back into her, if ya know what I mean.
THE "WHAT THE FUCK?!!?" MOMENT OF THE NIGHT-
Clint Eastwood's win for directing, also known as Martin Scorsese getting it up the ass without lubricant from the Academy yet again. Did those motherfuckers even see TAXI DRIVER, GOODFELLAS or, most of all, RAGING BULL? What the fuck?!!?
THE "WHAT THE FUCK?!!?" MOMENT OF THE NIGHT (runner-up)-
The win for MILLION DOLLAR BABY, sending the so-called surefire bets made worldwide on THE AVIATOR rocketing down the bowl.
A FINAL SHOUT-OUT
Chris Rock's show-ending "Goodnight, Brooklyn!!!"
And that's all from the 77th Academy Awards ceremony! Oh, and here are the results on the awards that anyone actually gives a shit about:
BEST PERFORMANCE BY A SUPPORTING ACTOR-Morgan Freeman
BEST PERFORMANCE BY A SUPPORTING ACTRESS-Cate Blanchett
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR-Jamie Foxx
BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS-Hilary Swank
BEST DIRECTOR-Clint Eastwood
BEST PICTURE-"Million Dollar Baby"
BEST SONG-the Spanish language theme from "The Motorcycle Diaries"
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY-"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY (adapted)-"Sideways"
BEST MAKEUP-"Lemon Snicket's A series of Unfortunate Events"
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE-"The Incredibles"
BEST COSTUME DESIGN-Pierce and Edna, "The Aviator"
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY-"The Aviator"
BEST ORIGINAL SCORE-"Finding Neverland"
BEST VISUAL EFFECTS-"Spider-Man 2"
BEST DOCUMENTARY-"Born Into Brothels"
FILM EDITING-"The Aviator"
HONORARY OSCAR FOR DIRECTION-Sidney Lumet
BEST PORNO TITLE OF THE YEAR-"Huge Black Cocks with Pearly White Cum"
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM-"Mar Adentro (The Sea Inside)"