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Sunday, February 12, 2006


The classy iteration.

Here I sit, broken-hearted
Tried to shit, but only farted

No Matter how you shake and dance
The last drop falls into your pants

Goddamn motherfucking two-ball bitch
Every time I see you my two balls itch

If it smells like a fish, it’s a good dish
If it smells like cologne, leave it alone

-Authors unknown

You are no doubt familiar with the timeless classics above, what with them being standards found in restrooms in public schools and dump stations all over the nation for at least sixty years, including the now outdated second line, “Paid my dime, but only farted.” Sheer, universal poetry, rendered deathless thanks to lovers of sophomoric stupidity, such as yours truly. Most of such odes are first encountered during our early grade school years, when we are first truly old enough to understand dirty/ toilet humor and perhaps even pen our own offensive lyrics. Staples of the genre include such topics as farts, doo-doo, pee-pee, racial slurs/stereotypes, disrespect of religion, television theme song/pop music parodies, and of course preadolescent misconceptions about sex. You know, intellectual stuff.

My own first exposure to such erudite wit was the classic of body-function awareness, “Milk, milk, lemonade,” used to spectacular effect last season on “Will & Grace” in a puerile pas de deux between Megan Mullaly and Jack Black as a doctor who confirms the piece’s biological validity:

Milk, Milk (pointing to each nipple)
Lemonade (pointing to urethra)
Around the corner (turning around)
Fudge is made (pointing to ass)

To a five-year-old, that shit is a comedy goldmine.

Perhaps the granddaddy of the genre of poetic juvenilia is Benny Bell’s recording of “Shaving Cream,” a Dr. Demento show perennial that burned itself into the collective cerebral cortex of children everywhere. The basic gag has the singer recount a particular situation that would end in a rhyme leading the listener to expect the word “shit” to end the line, but the listener is consistently faked out when the naughty word is instead replaced with “shaving cream.” For example:

Way back when I was in the army
I reached down into my kit
Expecting to find me a sandwich
I pulled out a huge pile of
Shaving cream!
Be nice and clean!
Shave every day and you’ll always look keen!

As you would imagine, the variations to this are nearly infinite, and Bell recorded it several times to escalating idiotic effect. My own favorite versions are as follows:

Our baby fell out of the window
You’d think that her head would be split
But luck was with her that morning
‘Cause she fell in a truckload of
Shaving cream!
Be nice and clean!
Shave every day and you’ll always look keen!

Along with:

And now folks my story is over
I think that it’s time I should quit
If any of you feel offended
Stick your head in a bucket of
Shaving cream!
Be nice and clean!
Shave every day and you’ll always look keen!

Even the youngest verbal smut artist could come up with a cornucopia of words that could lead up to the “shit” fake out, ensuring that cross-country trips with the parents became interminable torture for the grownups. And you could totally get away with it because you weren’t guilty of cussing! God bless you, Benny Bell. God fucking bless you.

Proving that such dumbass endeavors transcend the generations, I remember first hearing this when I was six years old from my beloved grandfather, Ozane, who was a huge fan of Tarzan:

Tarzan the monkey man
Swinging on a rubber band
Lost his pants in a hula dance
(imitation of the Tarzan yell, after which Ozane and I would laugh like a couple of morons)

Then I moved to Westport, Connecticunt (misspelling intended) and heard this one on the playground:

Under the cherry tree
That’s where she showed it to me
It was hairy and black
And it had a huge crack
But it looked like a jungle to me
So I took out my hairy banana
And stuck it in her crack
She let out a scream
And I gave her some cream
Then I took my banana back

Armed with such examples it was only a matter of nanoseconds before our filthy little minds advanced to more complex expression of smuttiness, and where better to start than with the corruption of familiar songs from our favorite babysitter, the television? The beginner’s corrupted TV song is unquestionably the following:

I’m Popeye the sailor man
I live in a garbage can
I eat all the worms and spit out the germs
I’m Popeye the sailor man

Sure, it was based on a theme song first heard in the movies during the 1930’s, but the majority of us were first introduced to the incomprehensible mariner via the glass teat, and as times changed and kids became naughtier, the Popeye song was altered into:

I’m Popeye the sailor man
I live in a garbage can
I like to go swimmin’ with bow-legged wimmen
I’m Popeye the sailor man

Then there was the Adam West “Batman” television series, a genuine phenomenon in its day (and the first time I remember my little pee-pee standing at attention thanks to Julie Newmar as Catwoman), with one of the all-time catchiest signature tunes in TV history, instantly dooming it to parody victimization. We all know the holiday classic “Jingle Bells, Batman smells,” but for the purposes of this article I’m sticking to riffs on the Neal Hefti theme, the best of which is easily:

Took me to his house
Laid me on the couch
Stuck it in greasy
Pulled it out easy

Most kids thought this was from the point of view of some hot Batman groupie, but I prefer to think of it as being Robin’s recounting of really goes on at Stately Wayne Manor. But where the hell was Alfred?

And of course you know this parody of another 1960’s cult fave:

The Addams Family started
When Uncle Fester farted
They all became retarded
The Addams Family

But the undisputed champion of TV parodies goes to this horrifying version of “The Beverly Hillbillies, “ which transforms the inspiring tale of a poor mountaineer’s discovery of a rich vein of oil and subsequent Croesus-like wealth into a humorous tale of incestuous rape and the inevitable inbred progeny:

Let me tell you a story ‘bout a man named Jed
He grabbed Ellie-Mae and he threw her on the bed
Down came the zipper and out came the Worm
And out of the Worm come the bubblin’ sperm

Well the next thing you know
Ol’ Ellie-Mae’s knocked up
The kinfolk said, “Jed, you’re such a horny pup!”
Nine months later, she began to scream
And out of her twat slid Jethro Beaudine!

What makes this song a classic is the blunting of the incest/rape angle by presenting the visually ludicrous image of Ellie-Mae giving birth to her hulking, L’il Abner-lookalike cousin as played by the huge Max Baer, Jr., complete with overalls and shitkicker boots.

Largely forgotten nowadays is the Fess Parker vehicle “Daniel Boone,” a much less successful follow-up to the monster hit from the 1950’s, “Davy Crockett.” This TV parody may be unique because it blends the forms of playground lyrics and outright, out-of-nowhere racism:

Daniel Boone was a man
He was a big man
But the bear was bigger
So he ran like a nigger
Up a tree

Which seamlessly segues us into the realm of ethnically offensive rhymes and songs!

My earliest exposure to this subgenre surprisingly happened before I moved to the ultra-racist Westport, occurring during my very early days in California, featuring an utterly weak slam at the two major Asian groups in the States at the time:

Chinese, Japanese (while pulling eyes to simulate epicanthic folds)
Dirty knees (miming appraising dirty laundry)
Look at these! (miming lifting of titties)

Now from what has been explained to me, that one can be seen as helping the ignorant to differentiate between the Chinese and the Japanese, namely one group is fit only to do your laundry and the other has awesome prossies who know exactly how to display the dairy goods.

Another slam against the Chinese that I never quite got was the following:

Ching chong Chinaman
Sitting on a fence
Trying to make a dollar
Out of fifteen cents

Exactly what the fuck does that mean?

And let us not forget the classic of American black/white confrontation:

A fight! A Fight! A Nigger and a white!
If the nigger/white guy doesn’t win
Then we all jump in!

Or the more offensive version:

A fight! A Fight! A Nigger and a white!
The White guy had a gun
The nigger had none
The white guy pulled the trigger
And then there was no nigger

Then there was the classic necrophile poem from when the infamous Ed Gein murder case was current in the late 1950’s (google Ed Gein and be ready to be chilled to the soul):

I fucked an old gal in a graveyard
God damn her old soul, she was dead
The maggots crawled out of her asshole
And the hair slipped off of her head
When I finished my job there
I seen I’d committed a sin
So I reached in my pocket and drew me a straw
And I sucked out the load I shot in

And two from the Catholics I knew back in the days:

Hail Mary, full of grace
Won’t you sit upon my face?

And this British gem that contemplates the duality of Christ as both man and God:

Two in one, one in two
Flush ‘em both down the loo

So with that I invite all of you to write in with your own rhymes and such, and always remember that the more juvenile, the better!

And as a final note, here’s a great Beatles parody:

Hey, Jude
I saw you nude
Don’t try to fake it
I saw you naked

"Don't try to fake it..."


Jared said...

I learned from Keith: "Hail Mary full of grace blow us into outer space".
You also left out the classic childrens fake out song "Miss Lucy had a steamboat".
There is also the one that I never heard of until House of Pain used it in a song but others know it from their childhoods. It is "When I die bury me Hang my balls from the cherry tree"
Of course there is the classic solidier song "Do your balls hang low" which was adapted to the school chorus version "Do your ears hang low".
Ahh good stuff. All of it.

Anonymous said...

I always liked:

No matter how you shake and dance
The last drop always falls in your pants.

Sad, but true...


Mad Magazine did a "Nice graffiti" article years ago that went:

No matter how you shake and dance
You can't be out of step to an Elton John number!


Here I sit Happy Hearted
Talks on Mideast peace have started!

God, I miss Mad...

Anonymous said...

Ace Petrone says:

Dont forget that other Beatles classic (to the tune of "Yesterday") - all started with a little kiss
Now it hurts to even take a piss..Oh I contracted syphillis.

Theres also a version of the above song with Leprosy subbing for syphillis, but I cant remember those lyrics.

Johnny said...

Me chinky chinaman
Me play joke
Me do pee pee
in your Coke

mickiet said...

"All my limbs are falling off of me...
"(something, something) hanging from a tree,
"'cause I contracted leprosy."

(Maybe it's "now my balls are hanging from a tree"...)

"Do your boobs hang low?
"Do they wobble to and fro?
"Can you tie them in a knot?
"Can you tie them in a bow?
"Can you throw them over your shoulder
"Like a (something, something) boulder?
"Do your boobs hang low?"

Can someone help me with this one? It's from an old of friend of mine from Los Angeles.

"Copycatter, copycatter
"Stick your head in piggy batter"

Here's a fave from Williamsburg in the '70s.

"Jose, can you see
Any bed bugs on me?"

From Queens, 1980:

"We don't need sex education
"We don't need no birth control
"No loud orgasms in the classroom
"Teacher leave us kids alone"

An homage to Robert Palmer from an upstate summercamp in the 80s:

"Might as well face it,
You're a dick-"

Anonymous said...

An alternate Popeye lyric:

I turned on the gas
And blew off my ass
I'm Popeye the sailor man!

I learned this one from Jared's sisters when we were in high school (an inexact recall):

This land is my land
It is not your land
If you don't get lost
I'll blow your head off
This land was made for only me


Sara said...

From my posh Christian summercamp in Ivoryton, Connecticut:

Shit damn fucka damn fucka damn damn,

Some damn fucker damn fucked my man.

I'll find another Fucker better than the other Fucker,

Shit damn fucka damn fucka damn damn.

And the classic:

Walkin' down Canal Street
Knockin' at every door
God damn son-of-a-bitch
Couldn't find a whore.
Finally found a whore
She was tall and thin
God damn son-of-a-bitch
Couldn't get it in.
Finally got it in
Wiggled it all around
God damn son of a bitch
Couldn't get it out.
Finally got it out
It was red and sore
The moral of the story is
Never fuck a whore.

Jerry B said...

Ok I am from the west. Utah to be exact and I have heard some of those out here. I hope some of these will ring a bell.

Mean Gene made a machine
Joe Blow made it go
Smart Art let a fart
and blew it all apart

(to pop goes the weasel)

I used to chase the girls around
and be quite contrary
but now I chase the boys around
weeeee I'm a fairy

Rockin' Ed said...

How about this one???

Johnny is a nut
He's got a rubber butt
Everytime he turns around he goes putt putt putt

Anonymous said...

I heard the leprosy song (Yesterday tune) done by John Valby many years ago.

Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me, I'm not half the man I used to be, oh, how did I get leprosy?

Syphillis, it started with a simple kiss, now it hurts to even take a piss, oh how did I get syphillis?

Anonymous said...

Shake my hand,
be my friend,
don't eat the booger
on the garbage can.
If you do, let me know
and I won't be your friend no mo'

Anonymous said...

Another one my brother used to sing to the tune of the old Spiderman show's theme song was:

Spiderman, Spiderman,
Does whatever a spider can.
He eats flies any size,
catches them by surprise.
Look out! Here comes the Spiderman!

Lews said...

Jesus Christ
super star
came down from heaven on a Yamaha
pulled a skid
killed a yid
crushed his bollocks on a dustbin lid

Anonymous said...

This land is my land
This land ain't your land
I got a shotgun
And you don't got one
You better get off
Before I blow your head off
This land is Private Property

Farty marty had a party
Tootie fruity let a beauty
And everyone had to go out for air

Anonymous said...

I knew of one story (folklore / yardlore) which went along the lines of:

It was Christmas even in the prison
And all the prisoners were there
The hearts will full of (something)
Their bellies were full of air
Up jumped (some name) the warden
(da da da da da da)
It was Christmas morning in the prison
And all the prisoners were gone.

Anonymous said...

from the hit song by the Royal Guardsmen:
10-20-30-40-50 or more
[.....] cut a fart at teh grocery store
80 men died tryin' to hold their breath
[..] did another one and killed all the rest

Anonymous said...

does any one recall the one that starts mother fucker cock sucker two balled bitch your mothers in the kitchen cooking red hot shit , your father's in the bedroom.....can't recall the rest

Anonymous said...

I recall it as,

I'm Popeye the sailor man, I'm Popeye the sailor man, I fuck til I finish 'cause I eats me spinach, I'm Popeye the sailor man! Toot toot!

Anonymous said...

This is dated, disgusting and politically incorrect but we recall this from the '70's.

Daniel Boone was a man. Yes a big man.
But the bear was bigger so he ran like a nigger up a tree.

Daniel Boone was a man. Yes a big man.
He was queer, he was clueless, he would quickly drop down on his knees

From the French beret on the top of 'ol Dan to the heel of his high heeled shoe

The prissiest, sissiest excuse for a man that queer men ever knew.

Daniel Boone was a man. Yes a big man.
And he fought like a sissy just to make all the Nancy boys free.
What a goon, what a pussy, what a sperm connoisseur was he.

Bunche (pop culture ronin) said...

That was fucking EPIC!!! (slow, appreciative clapping)

Bunche (pop culture ronin) said...

That was fucking EPIC!!! (slow, appreciative clapping)

Anonymous said...

God damn motherfucking two ball bitch
Mama's in the kitchen cookin' red hot shit
Brother's in jail
Daddy's in hell
Sister's on the corner yelling "Pussy for sale!"

Anonymous said...

Little birdie in the snow..broken wing this I know..lured it over with a piece of bread....then I smashed its fuckin head.

Anonymous said...

here I sit all broken hearted
came to shit but only farted
wasted a dime oh what the hell
the least I can do is enjoy the smell