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Sunday, May 21, 2006

IN THE INTEREST OF CLARITY: WHAT IS “GERMAN?”

After reading my post on adventures in ye olde porne shoppe, many of you wrote to me both here on the site and on my email account asking exactly what “German” porn is and why it was better not to ask if you didn't know what it is. Well folks, “German” is anything relating to shit and the enjoyment thereof.

Yes, you read that right. I'm talking shit, and not the way most niggaz usually talk shit. I'm talking the 98.6 degree payload that emerges from one's distended asshole in direct, inevitable response to a hearty meal. Yes, there are people who love to rub human doo-doo all over themselves and their (presumably) willing sex partners, even worshipping poop to the point of eating the goddamned stuff and washing it down with their own equally warm piss.

I first heard the dark rumblings of such practices when I was a dirty wee youth, but never thought that such horrors could be for real. Then, while in college at a university that was notorious for all manner of deviant sexuality running rampant, I met various people who drunkenly admitted to the previously mentioned chocolate charm and was horrified to the very soul.

Hey, I'm all for you exploring whatever the fuck you want to do, so long as no one gets hurt, but doody games just plain gross me out. It's that simple.

Then, during my infamous years in the Marvel Comics Bullpen, I actually saw a German porno film, entitled “Das Kaviar Dinner,” and what little innocence I had left went up in flames. The photo on the box featured a wide-eyed, attractive young redhead being spoon fed a heaping helping of freshly laid turd cable from a beautiful silver serving dish. The friend who obtained this video Chernobyl claims that the turbaned Sikh porno dealer — in the heart of Times Square during the last days of its true sleaziness, no less! — recoiled in horror when he saw the box on the counter, and screamed, “Aggggh! No! NO! It is too horrible!!!,” after which he scooped it into a plain brown bag so fast that I swear to Christ that there must have been a sonic boom.

I will spare you the details of the “film” in question, but let me assure you that if I ever see any of the onscreen participants walking down the street I will drop whatever else I may be doing and kick them to death in middle of the tarmac in an effort to keep their possible spawn out of the gene pool.

What really blows my mind is the fact that German porn has become so available thanks to video and DVD that many people who don't normally pursue such diversions know what it is; you know something is truly no longer as underground as it once was the second that jokes are made about it in the popular media, and “South Park” has famously disclosed that resident asshole Eric Cartman's indiscriminate hosebag of a mother once starred in German “scheisse” movies. NOTE: “scheisse” is the German word for shit! Isn't international cultural exchange a wonderful thing, boys and girls?

So now that you know what German is, here are some other kinks that can instantly be identified by the mere mention of the countries with which they are associated:

German = “fun” with doody.
English = bondage and discipline, with the emphasis on discipline, caning and birching specifically.
French = all things oral.
Roman = puking; a reference the historical institution of “vomitoriums” during the days of imperial Rome.
Spanish = the fucking of a lady's titties.
Greek = all things anal.

If you can think of any that I forgot, please write in to the comments section and share the wisdom!

4 comments:

Jared said...

Now I'm having flashbacks. Ahhh, The King of Shit! The King of Shit! He's coming for me, Help!

Anonymous said...

The King Of Shit was just misunderstood. You're prejudiced!

Velma said...

I am SO glad you did not decide to illustrate this post.

Peter Maranci said...

You've GOT to scan and post that cartoon review of Das Kaviar Dinner sometime. My hardcopy is one of my more treasured possessions. :D

I'm a little freaked out to hear that so many of your friends had never heard of German porn, though. Have I lost my position as the most innocent and naive person you know?

Come to think of it, I thought that knowledge of German porn had entered the mainstream - didn't Norm MacDonald mention it on SNL a few years ago? I'm sure I heard him say something like

"Would you give a dog tofu instead of real meat? Would you give a German porn star chocolate pudding instead of real doody?"

Maybe it wasn't on SNL, though...it's hard to believe that they'd have the balls to let him say something like that. But he definitely said it SOMEWHERE on TV.