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Thursday, January 14, 2010

PONDERING THE IMPORTANT STUFF: QUESTIONS FROM A MONSTER KID

During the blessed days before the advent of cable TV and the near-total extinction of local showcases for cheesy old horror and sci-fi flicks, Yer Bunche was what used to be called a "monster kid," a young mind raised on and heavily influenced by FAMOUS MONSTER OF FILMLAND magazine, THE MONSTER TIMES, and the cornucopia of monster movies that was found on pre-mid-'80's television. Even then I understood that the majority of such material depended on the audience's willing suspension of disbelief, yet I just couldn't help but ask questions inevitably raised by those narratives that were rife with monsters, homicidal maniacs and aliens that ravaged the world at large. Questions such as the following:

Could the Wolf Man be distracted from attacking you by throwing him a rubber ball or a squeaky chew toy? Maybe some Gaines-Burgers?

Would the Golem have objected if you molded a huge dick from his clay body and had him go about avenging wrongs against the Jewish community with a huge hard-on?

Is the Gorgon's pubic hair also intermingled with living snakes? And if so, are they cute l'il garter snakes?

Is it just me, or did Christopher Lee's Dracula really dig being evil?

Were the castaways on the MYSTERIOUS ISLAND annoyed that they didn't have any drawn butter when they boiled and ate that giant crab?

How do re-animated severed heads speak when they no longer have vocal cords and are unable to draw breath?

Would anyone have thought the kids from VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED (1960) were all that peculiar if they'd been born in Sweden?

Did any of the sighted people left in the wake of the world-blinding meteor shower in THE DAY OF THE TRIFFIDS (1962) make even the slightest attempt to use defoliants on the deadly carnivorous plants?

Why would anyone design the world's first (and totally kickass) giant robot to look like some sort of kitsch Egyptian pharaoh?

Was the Id monster in FORBIDDEN PLANET (1957) intended (not inappropriately, considering its reason for coming into existence) to look like an angry, ambulatory nutsack?

What was done with Kong's corpse after his fall from the Empire State Building? It was during the Great Depression and there were plenty of hungry people in New York City, if you get my drift...

Was the Creature from the Black Lagoon "physically compatible" with the human females he kidnapped?

Was Rodan the only classic era Toho giant monster clearly depicted as eating humans?

Why did people give a fuck about getting killed by the Mummy when they could so easily outrun him or just leave town? Sure, he'd probably catch up with you eventually, but it would take ages and you could just leave again.

Regarding General Ursus from BENEATH THE PLANET OF THE APES (1970): why is a gorilla sporting the Latin name for "bear?"

Thanks to him being cobbled together from sundry bits of corpses, did the Frankenstein Monster smell of decomposition?

Considering how Godzilla is the embodiment of the horrors of the atomic bomb, what would the half-life of his turds be?

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly: why are there so many alien worlds populated entirely by hot chicks, and why is our space program doing absolutely fuck all to establish contact with these noble races?

8 comments:

Mindlesskirby said...

I remember Godzilla eating a bus full of people like candy bar in "Godzilla 2000" and Destroyah eats people before he gets into his giant monster form in "Godzilla vs. Destroyah"

Jim Browski said...

Why do the two morons in the insanely overhyped...overrated (and I'm disappointed to say, not overly scary) PARANORMAL ACTIVITY stay in the house with a homicidal demon?
An age old question for horror film buffs that this Internet spawn I watched tonight fails to answer.
I guess if they did the rational thing and left...the movie wouldve been less than 40 minutes long.

Bunche said...

Mindlesskirby-

neither of the films you mention are from the classic era (1954-1975). They're both part of the "heisei" series, which ranges from 1984-1995. And, for the record, any Godzilla films from 1998-2004 are considered part of the Millennium series.

On Smash said...

Gaos from the Gamera films ate people for their blood. The green giant from War of the Gargantuas ate people.

Bunche said...

Way to go, On Smash! I somehow forgot about Gaira, aka the Green Gargantua. His scooping up and devouring of that cleaning lady and then spitting out her tattered clothes was a classic moment. And while Gaos does count as a maneater, he's not a Toho monster; the Gamera films of the old school series were made by Daiei.

Deacon Blue said...

As for General Ursus, he's named so because he's hung like one.

Or so I'm told by sources in the know...

...and yes, at least one of those sources is Perez Hilton.

Blue Shirt said...

As we discussed the other night - Do you think that the explorers from Journey to the center of the earth felt just a little discouraged when they reached the center only to find a shaft leading straight up to the surface (the one they used used to make their escape).

On Smash said...

Thanks I know the Gamera series wasn't Toho but still tend to lump all the kaiju together.

On a personal note, to me Gamera is the Jim Rockford of giant monsters, both often got their asses kicked while trying to do the right thing.