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Sunday, October 03, 2010

SUNDAY'S PORN DAY!

Here we go again, with some filth to liven up your Sunday! Let's start things off on a classy note with the venerable Nina Hartley in A MILF'S TALE.

To tell the truth, I'm a bigger fan of Hartley's offscreen persona, where she's an outspoken, intelligent advocate for all manner of discourse on sex and sexuality. I think she's cooler than cool.

This next item looks like one of those stick-vids that a guy uses to try and convince his lover is based on literature or some shit, in an attempt to get her to sit through what is nothing more than a run-of-the-mill wank diversion in MASTERPIECE THEATER drag.

What I want to know is how I could be so asleep at the filthy wheel as to not have thought of INSIDE HER TRADING years ago. So simple. So obvious. So utterly brilliant.

WIDE OPEN SLIPPERY ASS MEAT. What could this possibly be about?

Presumably less a porno than a trenchant documentary on a grave sociological problem, BANG BUS 29 chronicles a van that drives around the neighborhood picking up young men who are then coerced into fucking the porn starlets within.

After the previous twenty-eight volumes failed to curtail this baleful scourge of our nation, one hopes that this current examination of the issue will have some effect.

I'm sorry, but I always find these "white chick gazes in awe/horror at a big dick" covers to be hilarious.

Sorry, but I've got to call shenanigans on this one. How dare you give me a porno based on Snow White and the Seven Dwarves and not show me Snow getting raunched by a septet of little people, especially when I've seen the exact same thing depicted in an R-rated movie (the immortal FAIRY TALES)? Booooo! BOOOOOOOOO!!!

My "ginger fever" is well-documented, so I will always give a shout-out to the titian-tressed lovelies. However I must state that, in my case at least, part of the redhead appeal is the might and majesty of the copper-bush, so why shave your star's snapper as bare as a bagfrog? Again, booooooo! BOOOOOOOO!!!

I may not be a fan of anal antics, but I must give props to this evocative title...

...which displays more of a sense of poetry that this entry from the same sub-genre:

The "Subtle Title of the Week" title goes to ORIENTAL PUSSIES STRETCHED WIDE OPEN.

Trust me, this image in its uncensored form is so graphic that you can pretty much see all the way up to her nostrils.

With the well-deserved runaway success of BATMAN XXX, knockoffs were inevitable. Here's the first of what I'm sure will be an avalanche.

And here's the rather uninspired descriptive copy:

The overrun, bleak dystopia of Gothard City has one stalwart protector: The Bat. In his iconic cape and cowl, Billionaire Bruce defends the city from the scourge of crime. His greatest weapon: his monster cock. He shows off his fantastic prowess by engaging in a thrilling threesome with Blake & Kristina Rose, who are more than willing to do some quick cum swapping.

The Jo-kerr steals Poisen Ivy's latest sex potion to unleash on the unsuspecting population, but not before Ivy (as played by Tory Lane) unleashes her huge tits and takes a scene-stealing rimjob.

The Clown Prince of Crime burns a path of destruction; fighting and fucking his way through the underworld. No one is safe from his carnal fury. Bobbi Starr's hairy bush feels the wrath of Jo-kerr's malevolent dick. Cindy Behr gets a poker chip insertion in her pussy. Rio Lee receives a facial to remember. Only the dashing Bat and his trusty assistants Robina (Krissy Lynn) & Bat Chick (Isis Love) can save Gothard's citizens from Jo-kerr's evil scheme.

This titanic struggle comes to a head in an earth-shattering 12 person orgy featuring Madelyn Marie in the kinky latex of Katwoman, Brynn Tyler riding the sybian and Isis Love squirting all over the place! The screen can't contain all the hot sex in BATFXXX!


"Riding the sybian?" That's a new one on me.

The second Lewis Carroll-inspired porno to surface in the wake of Tim Burton's ALICE IN WONDERLAND, here's MALICE IN LALA LAND, starring Sasha Gray, who was that smokin'-hot Vulcan in THIS AIN'T STAR TREK XXX.

And check out its descriptive copy:

"Malice In Lalaland" is an innovative Miss Lucifer Productions film shot on 35 mm. Based on the two books by Lewis Carroll: "Alice In Wonderland" and "Through The Looking Glass", we stay true to a strange world and its' even stranger characters. Malice (Sasha Grey) manages to escape from an asylum with the help of Rabbit (Stephen Powers). During her escape from Queenie (Andy San Dimas) and Jabbowski (Dirty Fred), she has the most sexy adventures ever. "Let's Fuck 'N Roll!"

"Let's Fuck 'N' Roll?" What the fuck does that even mean? Sounds too much like "duck and cover" to me.

This next one was so inevitable that I'm amazed it took this long to come out, a production pace I'm sure had to do with it being shot in 3-D.

I'm curious to see how well this will work in 3-D on home video, but I kinda doubt that it'll be in any way inspired. Then again, this ain't exactly Kurosawa.

Lastly, I feel profoundly gypped by this one without even seeing it.

You give me a movie called TEEN MONSTER COCK WORSHIP and neither the Teenage Werewolf nor Teenage Frankenstein are in it? Boooooooo! BOOOOOOOOOO!!!

2 comments:

Jim Browski said...

I love how Snow White and the "Seven Dwarfs" has a cover featuring ONE NORMAL-SIZED "Dwarf" .

Also, take note on the bottom of the photo, how the box proudly declares this a "35 mm feature film"
Guess thats the porn industry's equivalent of "Filmed in Glorious Cinerama".

Bunche said...

The whole 35 millimeter signifier is due to the great majority of porn being shot on video, which has been the case since video became so cheap in the 1980's. And I believe that's the prince on the cover; the back cover, which was too graphic for me to run, shows actual dwarves, but none of them were doing Snow White. They were depicted merely walking along in synch, presumably singing "Hi ho," which was probably not intended as a greeting to the story's protagonist.