OH, IF ONLY THIS WERE HAPPENING...

THE NY TIMES REPORTS ON CHANGES TO BE MADE TO SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK

"Deeply Furious," aka the infamous "shoe chop" number, is wisely being cut from the show.

The NEW YORK TIMES has an article posted that outlines some of the changes being made to SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK in the wake of the justly-disastrous near-universal panning the show received from theater critics (and gobsmacked bloggers like Yours Truly), and all of the tweaks sound like wisely-chosen improvements. Chief among them is the reported excision of the fucking ludicrous "Deeply Furious," what I refer to as the infamous "shoe chop" number, and while I think that choice is by far the smartest creative decision yet made on this show (next to the ousting of director Julie Taymor), I hope to the gods of theater that someone recorded it on video for posterity. No lie, it was hands down the absolute worst professionally-executed musical number I've ever witnessed during nearly a lifetime of seeing Broadway shows (I've been at it since I was nine). Anyway, go here for the details.

YET MORE SPIDEY MUSICAL MISHEGOSS: THAT DOUCHEBAG HACK BONO STEPS IN TO "RIP THE SHOW APART FROM TOP TO BOTTOM"

The saga of SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK just gets more and more insane with each passing moment. It is now being reported that colossal douchebag/hack Bono is stepping in to start the show over from scratch and "rip the show apart from top to bottom." Um, does no one notice that it's this shithead's (and The Edge's) horrendous songs that rank as one of the most blatantly obvious key factors in the show's artistic failure? Bone-hole and The Edge (the most pretentious stage name in the entire history of music) wrote — or should I say "shat out" — an entire musical's worth of songs and not one of them is any good. Not a single one. And now the producers think he's got what it takes to turn around this black hole of alleged entertainment in time for the new projected opening in mid-to-late June? Nigger, please...

The details on this latest chapter in the show's ongoing idiocy can be read here.

THE NY TIMES ON JULIE TAYMOR'S FALL FROM B'WAY GRACE

Now that she's for all intents and purposes been booted from SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK, today's NEW YORK TIMES features an interesting article chronicling Broadway auteur Julie Taymor's precipitous fall from grace. You can read it here, and after reading it I once again state that I hope someone has been putting the whole story of this troubled show's history into a yet-to-be-published behind the scenes book. Or, better yet, a documentary.

IT'S FINALLY OFFICIAL — JULIE TAYMOR IS OFF SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK

Celebrity douchebag/collaborator Bono helpfully points out the "Now Hiring" sign in the nearby White Castle window to former SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK director Julie Taymor. (photo by Joan Marcus)

I've got nothing to add to this, other than to say it's about goddamned time. Go here for the initial details, and I'm sure there will be a lot more to come over the next day or two.

SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK OPENING PUSHED BACK UNTIL JUNE

It seems like something happens with this show on an almost hourly basis and now, though the official press release has yet to be made, reliable sources state that SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK will be shutting down for major creative overhauls and will not open until June. Believe me, after the balls-out-and-doused-in-kerosene mess I saw during previews in December, this show needs all the re-tooling it can get. In a sane world this show would just have its plug pulled, but with over $65,000,000 (and counting) having been spent on it, that ain't gonna happen, so now it's in major crisis mode. The latest on this can be read over at THE NEW YORK TIMES.

MORE SPIDER-MAN MUSICAL MISHEGOSS: WILL JULIE TAYMOR FINALLY GET THE BOOT?

As SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK continues onward despite its opening night possibly being pushed back to June and major fixes to its myriad of flaws being in the offing, it looks like things have gotten so out of hand that director/personification of hubris Julie Taymor could face "leaving" the project. I, for one, think that's a change that's loooooong overdue and I hope someone more grounded in reality and less in ego will be handed the reins of the most expensive show in Broadway history. You can read about this latest development over at THE NEW YORK TIMES.

THE NEVER-ENEDING SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK MISHEGOSS LURCHES ON

As mentioned yesterday, the producers of SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK are considering once again pushing back the troubled production's opening date (it's currently set to raise the curtain on March 15th). Now, according to several media sources, it looks like they may push back the show's opening to June. Again, I call for accepting reality and simply putting the show out of its misery.

BIG SURPRISE — SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK MAY BE DELAYED YET AGAIN

No one is less surprised than Yer Bunche to read that SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK, the Great White Way's great white elephant, may have its announced opening night of March 15th pushed back yet again — for what would be the sixth (!!!) time — for reasons outlined in the NEW YORK TIMES article found here. To crib an infamous quote from a very publicly drunk John Wayne, "it's getting to be re-goddamned-diculous." No, on second thought, this has gone waaaay beyond re-goddamned-diculous.

With all re-tooling and bringing back of Bono and purported bringing in of outside help, I would love to know just how far over its $65,000,000 budget this fiasco has gone. It looks like the considerations currently underway are taking into account the likelihood/stone cold reality that this show will never earn back its expenditures during its domestic run, so now the objective is to get ready to turn this gaudily-painted whore loose on the international market. Good luck with that...

THE SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK SCHADENFREUDE MACHINE THUNDERS ON

The schadenfreude machine that is SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK thunders on, like some implacable Brontosaurus on a cocaine binge. Help has been brought in and yet more fine tuning and delays are in the offing, and the details can be read in the online edition of THE NEW YORK TIMES. Again I call for simply facing reality and shutting the goddamned thing down. This shit has gone way past ridiculous.

Oh, and in what may be the most incredible piece of meta-commentary on this whole mess, there's actually another Spider-Man musical in progress entitled SPIDER-MAN SMACKDOWN, possessing literally a budget of $0, that fully intends to open on the night before the real Broadway show has its proper opening. Or rather it will if the real musical is not pushed back for the umpteenth time, which seems a distinct likelihood in the wake of the latest developments. For information on this zero-budget bit of snarky nose-thumbing, check out the article over at TOPLESS ROBOT.

SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK TO RECEIVE A REWRITE?

I swear this show is the schadenfreude gift that just keeps on giving. According to this morning's NEW YORK DAILY NEWS, the producers of SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK are seeking a rewrite of the show's book, and the show opens in less than a month. Seriously, I hope someone has been keeping detailed behind-the-scenes notes on this cul de sac of a production, because that book would be one hell of a compelling chronicle of egos that are simply incapable of facing reality and conceding defeat. You can read the details here.

Reeve Carney (as Spider-Man) translates into interpretive dance how the producers of the show have basically fisted him and the rest of the musical's cast right up the ass without the benefit of Astroglide.

THE NEW YORK TIMES REVIEWS SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK

It's been in previews so goddamned long that the New York theatrical critic community simply got tired of politely waiting for the actual opening (supposedly due to happen in March) while scores of scathing reviews were posted to the internet, so now the venerable NEW YORK TIMES weighs in on the $65,000,000 train wreck that is Julie Taymor's SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK. What critic Ben Brantley — was he named by Stan Lee? — has to say comes as no surprise to me, a person who saw it back in December. Click here to read the verdict for yourself. I'm morbidly curious to see how long it will be until the show is mercifully put out of its (and our) misery...

AN AUDIENCE WITH THE KING OF THE HATERS

For those as fascinated as I am with the ongoing Broadway train wreck that is SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK, today's VILLAGE VOICE has an interview with THE NEW YORK POST's Michael Riedel, a theater critic with what can only be described as a majore hate-on for the troubled (and frankly very bad) production that still has yet to make it out of previews. You can read it here.

SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK OPENING PUSHED BACK UNTIL MARCH

I can't say I'm surprised, but the opening of the problem-plagued musical SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK has been pushed back by yet another month. Apparently a lot is being done to fix the steaming debacle that I saw during previews, including "a new ending" being crafted, a statement that would lead one to assume that it had one in the first place, which it didn't. I'm curious to see what they come up with, because damned near anything would have been better than what I got. Hell, I would have even accepted a grubby wino in an ill-fitting Spider-Man costume pissing into the orchestra pit. Now, that would have been entertaining! Anyway, go here for the skinny from the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS.

A BELATED AND HILARIOUS CHRISTMAS SURPRISE

My most ludicrous Christmas gift arrived yesterday, courtesy of Pia Guerra, co creator and illustrator of Y: THE LAST MAN, namely a customized set of SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK earphones.

Featuring a Spidey that crawls up and down the wires, it also sports added arm and leg casts and a neck brace added by the sender for realism. Thanks, Pia!

THE SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK INJURY LIST CONTINUES TO GROW

How many more actors have to get hurt before they just hang this thing up? Unbelievable. From CNN:

'Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark' performer hospitalized after fall

From Jason Kessler, CNN

December 21, 2010 -- Updated 0844 GMT (1644 HKT)

Reeve Carney is the actor who normally plays Spider-Man, but was not the one hurt Monday night, according to reports.

STORY HIGHLIGHTS

• NEW: The New York Fire Department says the man fell 20 to 30 feet
• Witness: A harness came off Spider-Man's back
• A representative for the show says actor Reeve Carney is not the injured performer
• He says nine stuntman perform Spider-Man's stunts while the character is masked

New York (CNN) -- An actor was injured after a fall during a performance of the musical "Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark" in New York on Monday night, a representative of the show said.

The New York Fire Department said the 31-year-old fell 20 to 30 feet and was alert when he was taken to a hospital.

Jonathan Dealwis, a tourist from New Zealand who was in the audience, told CNN the actor portraying Spider-Man fell "about six meters," or about 20 feet.

Reeve Carney is the actor who normally plays Spider-Man. But Carney was not the performer injured, show spokesman Jaron Caldwell said. Caldwell said nine stunt men perform Spider-Man's stunts when the character is masked, but did not confirm who the injured performer is.

Dealwis said the accident happened near the end of the show.

"Spider-Man was on a bridge, and Mary Jane was dangling from it," Dealwis said. "She drops down, as is meant to happen. Spider-Man went to the end of the bridge there. I think he was meant to sort of swoop over there, but he just fell off. ... The harness, you could see it just flick off his back and fly backward."

Afterward, Dealwis said, "it just went black, and the producer came on and said we're going to pause for a moment. You could hear Mary Jane weeping."

A producer then came by and said the show was over, Dealwis said. Some people "clapped awkwardly," and one girl "laughed mockingly," drawing "disapproving glances" from others.

Dealwis said the actor was wheeled away in a neck brace.

Rick Miramontez, another spokesman for the show, said in a statement that the actor fell from a platform, and the show was stopped.

"All signs were good as he was taken to the hospital for observation," Miramontez said.

The show, with music and lyrics by U2's Bono and The Edge, is the most expensive in Broadway history by a significant margin, but production has been beset by cast injuries and technical problems.

Monday night's performance was a preview performance -- the show is not officially open yet. Opening has been delayed repeatedly.

Caldwell declined to say whether the next scheduled performance will take place as planned.

SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK OPENING PUSHED BACK UNTIL FEBRUARY

(Photo by Jacob Cohl, cribbed from The Wall Street Journal)

The troubled multi-gazillion dollar Broadway production of
SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK's opening has once again been pushed back, this time to February. From this morning's NEW YORK POST:

'Spider Man' in web of problems, delays Broadway opening again

NEWSCORE

Last Updated: 7:05 PM, December 16, 2010

Posted: 7:01 PM, December 16, 2010

“Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” its delaying its opening a third time, moving the official debut of Broadway’s most expensive musical from Jan. 11 to sometime in February so the creative team can work on the ending and other issues, a production source said Thursday.

The musical was originally set to start previews last February, but financial problems put them off until the fall. Last month the show delayed previews again, to Nov. 28, and bumped the Dec. 21 opening to January to allow more rehearsal time.

The more than $60 million production, which features technically complex stage flying, is directed and co-authored by Julie Taymor with a score by U2’s Bono and the Edge.

The show recently received more scrutiny when a lead actress, Natalie Mendoza, became the third performer to suffer an injury. She sustained a concussion in an offstage accident, missed two weeks of performances and returned to the show Wednesday.

The delayed opening would mean an unusually long preview period of at least nine weeks as musical previews typically last four to six weeks. The show declined to comment on any possible delay or whether any performances would be canceled as a result.

Reviews typically do not appear until after a show opens, although since the first “Spider-Man” preview theatergoers have voiced their opinions online, sounding off on the script, score and special effects. Even during previews, ticket prices can still soar to roughly $300.

Read more: http://blogs.wsj.com/metropolis/2010/12/16/spider-man-in-web-of-problems-delays-opening-again/

A SECOND OPINION ON SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK

A visibly spent Bono finally removes his mic from Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man's sundered butthole.

As stated in my own review of SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK, my girlfriend was sitting right next to me as the spectacle/train wreck unfolded, and here is her response to what I wrote about the show. Take it away, "She Who Cannot Be Named!"

As I said after the show, that play was a “hot tranny mess.” Thank god you explained the second act so clearly here, because I honestly didn’t know what the hell was going on. I haven’t read the comics and hardly recall the movies — actually I’m not even sure if I’ve seen all of them — but anyway they’re not fresh in my mind. So I was VERY confused.

The club scene is horrible; I’d say more, but that about sums it up. It does, however, bring me to the music, which is so stuck in the 80’s that it has no hope of exit. Allowing Bono to do the music for this was just plain stupid. If it’s supposed to be a contemporary musical, we need contemporary music. Where was the hip-hop, the rap, the modern rock? I don’t really recall “The Boy Fell From the Sky” except for the hook, which was OK. And “Bouncing Off the Walls” was an acceptable number in terms of the music, plus the moving walls were amusing. As for the dancing shoe number with Arachne…well I can hardly put my thoughts into words. Scratch that, I don’t have any thoughts. Rampant laughter to the point where the guy in front of us kept looking back at me like he thought I was such a jerk. That is the only possible expression of my experience with that number. Perhaps the moral was that to be a super-villainess you need lots of really hot high-heeled shoes? Or that high heels are empowering? Hell, any female over the age of seven knows that, so why make a song about it?

The fact that they came straight to Broadway with this show explains a lot. The stunts are fun and our seats were pretty good for viewing them, but I didn’t believe the producer who introduced it when he said the Foxwoods Theater “was the only theater that could accommodate them.” I think it was the only theater that the director wanted and the only theater that would work with them, considering the potential financial liability incurred by breaking the actors and putting the audience in harm’s way.

And did this nonsense really cost $65 million?! Please tell me that was a typo and you meant $6.5 million. (NOTE: that was not a typo.) It’s “Springtime for Hitler and Germany,” alright! You are also right that the Swiss Miss needs to go. That latex fetish silver costume is a fright best left to nightmares. I didn’t mind Arachne, but mostly because I like the dance scene where several spiders fall from the sky to create a web from enormous gray ribbons. So Arachne can also be deleted. The second act doesn’t in any way explain to us why Arachne is necessary. Plus if their core audience is meant to be comic book readers and Spider-Man movie fans, it’s just bad business to flip the script so much.

At moments, they did a good job of bringing the visual of the comic book to life, but not always. I liked the giant visual projections, though the one with all the small television sets (sorry to anyone who hasn’t seen this train wreck I just can’t describe that scene) was a little too like “Max Headroom” for my taste. I also liked SOME of the dancing. I love dance, and watching how people move, so for me this is a very important element. Some of it was good, but lots sucked in terms of choreography. The sad thing is that they had good dancers. But seriously, in 1985 – the year in which that music was stuck – most of those dancers were either babies or weren’t alive yet. I give them credit for doing their best to “sell it” to a crap soundtrack. The same can be said for the actors. They did the best they could with the bullshit they were given. And the women who play M.J. and Arachne are good singers. With luck, someone important will notice them and put them in a decent play.

I could continue ad infinitum, so let it suffice to say the second act HAS NO PLOT. You are totally right in saying that the only way to salvage this horror is to return to the comic books for inspiration, fire Bono, try to pull Julie Taymor out of her ego-trip and rewrite the entire script.

Folks should only spend the money on this if, like me, they have a student discount that brings the tickets down to 1/3 the box-office price. They are worth that much for the laugh, because the dancing spider was probably the best laugh I’ll have all month.

WEB GOO OVER BROADWAY — SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK

You have no doubt heard about the problem-plagued Broadway translation of everyone’s favorite webhead, SPIDER-MAN: TURN OF THE DARK, a production notable as the most expensive musical in the history of the Great White Way (with an estimated cost in the neighborhood of $65,000,000), with music and lyrics by Bono and The Edge from pop music perennials U2 and helmed by the visionary Julie Taymor (she of THE LION KING renown). The show’s cost-overruns, questionable choice of composers for a Broadway show, seemingly ludicrous inclusion of the Taymor-conceived villainess Swiss Miss, wimpy would-be-show-stopper “The Boy Falls from the Sky,” and unfortunate technical glitches and cast injuries during the early previews are the main elements that have kept this troubled show in the theater headlines for months and made it into a media whipping boy, fueling a cruel sense of schadenfreude in comics fans and theater mavens alike (to say nothing of the critics and Broadway pundits).

As a lifelong comic book freak, the first words out of my mouth when I heard a Spider-Man musical was in the works were “Oh, for fuck’s sake…” and I freely admit that my disgust at the current state of mostly-soulless Broadway fare led me to instantly hate on the production, sight unseen, causing me to rail against one of the great pop culture heroes of the latter half of the 20th century joining the likes of lazy “jukebox” musicals, awful musicalized version of movies, and the seemingly endless plague of corporate Disney-based shows cluttering up the place like empty, sauce-smeared Big Mac containers found tossed out of the car window onto the side of I-95. I followed each new news item on the show with a morbid and cynical interest and decided I wanted to see the show because, in my mind, it could not possibly be anything other than a noxious turd floating in the Broadway punchbowl, it’s presence causing those at the gala party to hurl up partially-digested canapés. Anyone who knows me even peripherally knows I have a sick fascination with all things “bad,” so it was a given that I would simply have to bear witness to SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK for myself, so, with the aid of my girlfriend "She Who Cannot Be Named"’s kind use of her grad school student discount, I procured us a pair of tickets for the show’s previews. However, as the date of the performance we were to see approached, my own shadenfreude over the show gave way to a realization that the cast and crew of the show were slaving away under the very tight and merciless scrutiny of the public and the media to create a spectacle unlike anything yet seen or experienced on the Broadway stage. Taymor’s THE LION KING was a groundbreaking effort that translated the animated source’s sense of wonder to human-performed, colorful life, so her innovate chops would be sorely tested in the course of staging the king of wall-crawling, web-slinging, bad-guy-ass-kicking we have rightfully come to expect from Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man since he first graced the printed four-color page back in 1962. Being an artsy sort myself, I was finally moved to give Taymor and the rest the benefit of the doubt and hope against hope that the nay-sayers were wrong and that they would all be left with nothing but their Playbills lodged deep within their collective colon when the smoke cleared.

Well, folks, here’s what I got, and HERE THERE BE SPOILERS.

The show consists of two acts, the first of which cribs heavily from the first Spider-Man film. Act One basically retells (for the umpteenth time) the story of how bookish high school student Peter Parker (Reeve Carney) gets bitten by a scientifically altered arachnid and becomes Spider-Man, while scientist Norman Osborn (Patrick Page, hamming it up with a southern accent) tests one of his experiments upon himself and ends up as the insane and utterly homicidal Green Goblin. Mary Jane (Jennifer Damiano) is also there as the love interest, and the proceedings are commented upon by a contemporary Greek chorus of comic book geeks whose presence adds nothing whatsoever to the narrative.

The most major addition to the familiar tale is Arachne, the figure from Greek mythology who lost a weaving contest to a jealous and pissed-off Athena — who, along with being the goddess of wisdom, the city, and warfare, was also the patron deity of weaving (go figure) — and, after attempting to commit suicide, was turned into the world's first spider for her efforts and inadvertently giving us the word “arachnid” in the process. Arachne is thus rendered immortal and portrayed as an artist frustrated at being robbed of her self-slaughter by the goddess, and as the story progresses she chooses to gift Peter Parker with spider-powers. Exactly why is anyone’s guess, and the Greek mythology element was wholly unnecessary, so I chalk that one up to Julie Taymor’s directorial/auteurist masturbation, visually impressive though Arachne may be. Nonetheless, the character shows up at various intervals in the show, but more on that later.

The first act annoyed me for its aping of the first movie, and it’s a rather generic affair as musical entertainment goes. The songs are like an unwelcome time warp back to the late-1980’s, and even for U2 the tunes can only be described as cookie cutter confections. No lie, Bono and The Edge (oh, that ridiculous moniker!) pretty much phoned the songs in and I defy anyone who sat through the show to find any of them truly memorable.

Also of great irritation to me was the totally pointless “re-imagining” of the death of Peter’s Uncle Ben, the single most important element in galvanizing Peter into becoming a true hero who understands the maxim that “with great power comes great responsibility.” Peter’s early assholism as the fresh-out-of-the-gate Spider-Man originally led him to not stop an escaping robber when said criminal stole cash from a TV producer who stiffed him for monies owed (in the most famous version of his origin). The robber later ended up murdering Uncle Ben, causing Peter to forever bear the guilt for his uncle’s needless death, a terrible loss that could have been prevented if only he’d done the right thing and not been a dick. In terms of comic book legends, this was the equivalent to heart-wrenchingly tragic opera; in Taymor’s version, Peter does not act when school bully Flash Thompson’s car is stolen, and as a result Uncle Ben, who attempted to give chase, is run over and killed. Sure, it’s tragic, but there is a considerable qualitative difference in the personal narrative power of a homicide versus that of a hit and run, which remains unresolved in the play, thus losing Peter realizing the killer was the guy he didn’t stop and throwing that shocking realization’s gravitas straight down the bowl. Even people who are only familiar with Spider-Man’s origin from the movies can tell that’s bullshit, so what was the need to change it? Certainly not to prevent there being any deaths in a family show, since it’s made clear that people are killed left and right during the Green Goblin’s rampages, plus to say nothing of a visually interesting puppet dismemberment perpetrated by Swiss Miss during the second act.

When the fifteen-minute intermission happened, "She Who Cannot Be Named" and I compared opinions and both agreed that the show was rather unimpressive save for the truly spectacular sets, costumes and amazing aerial stunts that required Spider-Man to somersault and land about fifteen feet away from where we were seated in mid-balcony (which afforded an excellent view of all the action on and off stage, except for when the flying and web-swinging combat moved to just below the balcony’s edge).

Then the lights dimmed and Act Two began, and what followed caused both myself and "She Who Cannot Be Named" to consider the possibility that, mediocre though it may have been, the first act was at least carefully thought out, but after that the show’s creators must have went off and downed some serious quantities of the highest grade peyote imaginable. And let me be clear: I do not mean that in a good way. What coherence the first act had went out the window as Arachne grew pissy about Peter not living up to her as-yet-unstated agenda, so when Peter gets disgusted with the burden of being Spider-Man and gives up his role as NYC’s protector, she influences the Goblin and several other baddies (Electro, Kraven the Hunter, Swarm, The Lizard, and the living Swiss army knife, Swiss Miss) to go on a murderous spree in the midst of a citywide blackout. Peter eventually gets it together and recovers his suit from the office of J.Jonah Jameson at the Daily Bugle (as seen in the movie), but when it comes time to confront the villains, although we see an impressionistic depiction of the retrieval of the suit and Spider-Man donning it, a maskless Peter shows up to fight wearing a jacket with a big red spider emblazoned on the back and a pair of jeans. As Mary Jane dangles from one of the gargoyles on the Chrysler Building, Peter stands in front of huge projected images of his foes and strikes stylistic combat poses meant to symbolize him punching and defeating the villains, and neither actively has a final confrontation with the Green Goblin nor is seen rescuing Mary Jane. No climactic, cathartic battle, no romantic rescue of the girl he loves. Bubkes. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Fuck all. Instead, his heroic actions meet the approval of Arachne and somehow grant her the right to finally make good on her suicide attempt, once more becoming human and being drawn to the heavens with a noose around her neck (this is apparently the turning off of the dark mentioned in the title). Then a huge banner with a drawing of Spider-Man drops from the rafters and obscures the stage. When that happened, "She Who Cannot Be Named" sat stunned, looked at me and observed, “Well, that certainly ended on a strange note,” to which I observed, “Nah, it’s not over yet. He’s still got to fight the Goblin and save M.J.” But I could not have been more wrong; the house lights came up, the banner was reeled in, and the cast came out and took their bows to less-than-thunderous applause. I sat there feeling like I’d been beaten about the head with a burlap sack full of quarters. This admittedly visually spectacular triumph of stagecraft did not have an ending.

No, I swear to god.

IT DID NOT HAVE AN ACTUAL ENDING.

Even with the student discount taken into account, I felt profoundly ripped off. Much of the audience that I overheard as we exited shared my sentiments and there was much discussion of the show’s many, many faults while acknowledging that it did at least bring the eye candy. Nonetheless, it was in no way worth the exorbitant full price, which for some seats ran as high as $140.

So I unequivocally state that, for all its lofty intentions, SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK was the most stunning train wreck that I have seen in my thirty-six years of seeing shows on Broadway (I've been going since I was nine). Never in my life have I seen a show go so precipitously off the rails as this one did with that “Was I just dosed?” second act, so I strongly advise all and sundry to steer clear, unless you have that kind of money to throw away in this economy. This show may be in previews at the moment, but its problems are too many to tweak without completely starting over from scratch with the book, and that ain't gonna happen before the show's proper opening in January.

That said, I would like to conclude with a few notes on some of the show’s points of interest, both the good and the howlingly bad:

• Reeve Carney and Jennifer Damiano are largely blameless and both are quite good for what they are given to do as Peter and Mary Jane. Both have good (miked) voices and can carry their respective tunes, but they exhibit little if any chemistry, and that’s a problem when trying to sell a show’s emotional core.

• The Greek chorus of comic book geeks is annoying and unnecessary, eventually getting literally chased off the stage during the “Deeply Furious” number (more on that shortly), never to return. Since this show is still in previews and said previews are when tweaks are made before the show’s proper opening, the Greek chorus gets my strongest nomination as the one element in the show that could be completely excised without hindering anything in the least.

• I would have also suggested the removal of Arachne because, for the life of me, I could not figure out just why the hell she was there at all. But then, quite unexpectedly, she turns out to have influence over the bad guys as part of her ill-defined plans for Peter. At one point she states that she is “the only real artist working today,” which makes me think that Julie Taymor is using her as a blatantly allegorical mouthpiece for her thoughts on Broadway and her own career. Maybe I’m wrong, but…

• The plot notes that during the blackout and villains’ rampage, fifty shoe stores were robbed of their stock, an event deemed un-newsworthy by J. Jonah Jameson (and me). That pointless bit comes back later and provides the impetus for the single worst number I’ve ever seen in a live show, specifically “Deeply Furious,” in which Arachne’s Furies, a number of half-human spider-women with well-crafted extra arachnid limbs, take the aforementioned shoes, put them on their multiple feet, and sing about how they’re going to “shoe chop” Spider-Man.

It was like some scene that loony film director Ken Russell had left on the cutting room floor during the editing of his balls-out lysergic LISZTOMANIA (1975), and as it played out onstage, "She Who Cannot Be Named" nearly laughed until she puked, while I sat through the entirety of the number with my mouth hanging open in complete and utter disbelief. I looked around to see how the rest of the audience was reacting to it, and all I saw were stony faces like a multitude of deer caught in the proverbial headlights. When the song ended, I looked at "She Who Cannot Be Named" (who was still collecting herself) and asked aloud, “Did I just actually see that?” I genuinely hope that the segment gets taped for posterity so future generations can gaze upon it in wonder and outright confusion.

• The song “D.I.Y. World,” sung by Norman Osborn and fellow scientists at OsCorp in praise of their own work and genius, felt like an unintentional throwback to “Oh Happy Day” from the musical version of LI’L ABNER (1956), some fifty-four years after the fact.

• The Daily Bugle’s set was highly reminiscent of that seen in the “Shall I take dictation” sequence in the dystopian porn film CAFÉ FLESH (1982), complete with surrealistic lighting, minimalist furnishings, and typists with typewriters and no desks (in the movie there was only one; here there are several). Also, the Bugle’s staff was an assortment of Broadway musical reporter clichés whose costume designs intermingled looks ranging from the early-1930’s through roughly 1964, lending the whole thing the look of a newsroom in another dimension.

• How the Green Goblin knew who Peter Parker was when he captures and unmasks him is not explained. He is also aware of Peter’s relationships with M.J. and Aunt May, also unexplained. That info was all given in the movie, so I’m guessing the script was counting on its audience having seen that film. If so, that’s lazy scriptwriting at its most egregious.

• The ludicrous and much-decried Swiss Miss is only in it for maybe four or five minutes and she has no lines.

• Stan Lee, Steve Ditko, John Romita Sr., and J. Michael Straczinski are all name-checked as scientists on staff at OsCorp. For those not in the know, the first two are the co-creators of Spider-Man, the third defined the character’s more polished and romantic look once Ditko left drawing the comics (odds are if you’re familiar with Spider-Man’s signature image over the past four-plus decades, you know Romita’s take on the character), and J.M. Straczinski wrote the character in recent years. A wee nod for the geeks in the audience.

• During some of the fight scenes in the first act, the tired trope of “Pow/Biff/Thwack” sound effects a la the classic Adam West Batman TV series from the 1960’s are seen. That gag was tired by 1972 and does not hold water in the 2000’s.

• Most obnoxious moment in the entire show: a dance club scene where the song the crowd is dancing to is U2’s 2004 hit “Vertigo.” Dudes, you wrote the music for the entire show. Do you really need to do product placement for your own records as well? Majorly douchey move.

• The only memorable thing about any of the show’s music is the guitar hook that thankfully dominates “The Boy Falls from the Sky.”

Proof that I bore witness.

ON MY WAY TO SEE SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK

Tonight the girlfriend and I hit Broadway for the much-discussed "potentially biggest flop in the history of the Great White Way," namely SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK. I freely admit that I only want to see it so I can witness the potential train wreck with my own eyes (and hopefully have its ludicrously pretentious title explained in a convincing way), but I would not be disappointed if it actually turns out to be good in spite of music from Bono and The Edge (douchiest rock moniker ever). Check back tomorrow for a detailed account!