50 THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES

Lemme set you straight on something right now: I have seen a shitload of movies in my mere 39 years on this planet. No, really. I'm such a fiend for films that I will sit through virtually anything, including GIGLI, which by the way was bad, but not as bad as you've been lead to believe. Anyway, from the thousands of movies that I have enjoyed (and in many cases subjected myself to) I have managed to glean many gems of wisdom that the filmmakers most likely did not intend to include in the finished productions. Truth can be found in the unlikeliest of places, even in the smoking ruins of an Ed Wood movie. What follows are just some of the many things that the world of cinema has taught me over the years. Read on, geek-boy, and ya just might learn something.

1. Women in prison are the cleanest people on the planet because they seem to shower every fifteen minutes or so.

2. Musical numbers can and will break out at any time or place for no adequately explained reason.

3. Criminal Masterminds bent on world domination always tell the hero about the intricacies of their plans in graphic detail, thereby fucking their own schemes in the ass.

NOTABLE EXCEPTION: Auric Goldfinger was smart enough not to do this;

instead he went straight for the option of killing James Bond outright, by cutting him in half, nuts-first, with an industrial laser beam, but let him live for possible interrogation. Bond then escapes and just happens to overhear the details of "Operation Grand Slam" while in hiding.

4. All Asians will totally kick your ass. Run for your life if the person in question suddenly removes his shirt, or if he/she's really old with long white hair. Trust me on this one.

5. The number one place not to live in, for any reason, is Tokyo. Homeowner's insurance rates must be astronomical! Transylvania comes in a distant second.

6. If Jennifer Jason Leigh is in a movie, she will, at some point, be naked.

7. Giant monsters never shit. NOTABLE EXCEPTION: Gyaos (in GAMERA-GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE).

8. Most extraterrestrials speak fluent English or Japanese.

9. If you are a parent character in a Disney film, you probably won't survive until the end of the movie.

10. People in Foreign films are either very boring/pretentious, or exceedingly violent/nude.

11. Elvis mastered every profession known to man and used all of the as an excuse to sing, fight, and bang hot chicks.

12. James Bond must be sterile and is apparently immune to all forms of venereal disease.

13. If the house that you and your family just moved into was once the site of any event with the words "Massacre," "Terror," "Horror," or "The (FILL IN THE BLANK)ing" in it, move out immediately.

14. Satan is everywhere, employing myriad forms and names, and he will get you. Period.

15. Never have premarital sex anywhere, especially not at a summer camp.

16. Monolithic (and mono-syllabic) Teutonic guys played by Arnold Schwarzennegger always have names like "John Matrix," which seems perfectly normal to everyone who knows him.

17. All Black people can dance, speak the hip lingo of the day, and are expert marksmen with the majority of extant firearms.

18. Pam Grier is the most perfect woman ever to walk this earth. She still looks terrific, and she survived dating Richard Pryor!!! Runner-up: Ursula Andress, c. 1962.

19. Guys, if you're going to whip it out on camera, at least have something worth whipping out; formerly known as "Richard Gere's Law," this has re-designated in recent years as "Ewan MacGregor's Law, in honor of his mighty flesh-truncheon.

20. The Three Stooges were the greatest martial artists in screen history. They would have offed Bruce Lee in about a minute.

21. Women die of mysterious "women's diseases," and get more beautiful as they get closer to the final curtain (as in LOVE STORY and countless others).

22. In the world of action heroes, firearms have little or no recoil whatsoever.

23. Charleton Heston is simply incapable of playing "Joe Average."

24. Contrary to popular belief, Marlene Deitrich was not a man.

25. Cigarette smoking makes you manly (see Humphrey Bogart).

26. Alcoholism is not only zany, but hardcore alcoholicscan function as though virtully unimpaired (see any of the THIN MAN flcks).

27. People can make friends with dangerous animals with little or no effort, and the animals in question will obey their every whim without hesitation.

28. Any guy, no matter how butch, can make a convincing female impersonator (see SOME LIKE IT HOT, TOOTSIE, TANGO AND CASH, I WAS A MALE WAR BRIDE, and most especially David Carradine in SONNY BOY).

29. In the 1950's most alien worlds were inhabited by stunningly nubile young women longed to be taught the Earth "art" of kissing.

30. If a meteorite crash lands near you, do not examine it or its contents.

31. In war, your comedic sidekick — usually named "Brooklyn" — will inevitably die tragically, spurring you on to a feat of near-suicidal heroism.

32. In the 1950's, women's breasts were shaped more like rocketry than mammalia.

33. White people in blackface are completely believable as Negroes.

34. Surfers' hair stays perfectly dry and styled, no matter what kind of waves they've been battling ("Avalon's Law").

35. Despite living in the jungle with apes for over twenty years, Tarzan does not smell bad or fling his feces at those he does not like.

36. There must have been a plague that at some point wiped out most black people, since we seldom show up in the future.

37. Cavemen/women existed at the same time as the dinosaurs, and had hairstylists and beauticians available at all times.

38. Cars that engage in high-speed chases are nearly indestructible and have the shock absorbers of the gods.

39. When he wasn't killing people, the Frankenstein Monster was a pretty cool guy.

40. In WWII, all elite Nazis wore monocles.

41. Despite his flamboyant outfits, Flash Gordon was not gay.

42. If the films of Woody Allen are to be believed, black people do not exist and New York City is an urban wonderland full of witty intellectuals. I live in the Five Boroughs, and I can tell you without a doubt that that is bullshit.

43. There is a very good chance that your parents may be crazy/cannibals/space-aliens/intergalactic despots.

44. Anthropomorphic cartoon animals are the most dangerous creatures on the planet. Plus, they are indestructible.

45. Glass makers in Hong Kong must be the wealthiest guys on the planet, due to the inordinate amount of people shooting/being thrown through window panes and glass sculptures.

46. Nothing signifies cool like a slow-motion closeup (see James Woods in JOHN CARPENTER'S VAMPIRES).

47. Absolutely anyone can learn any form of elaborate/improbable style of martial arts in virtually no time at all, as evidenced in MY KUNG FU 12 KICKS, DRUNKEN MASTER, CHALLENGE OF THE LADY NINJA, THE CRIPPLED MASTERS, and countless others.

48. Death does not neccessarily mean that your social life is over.

49. It must be illegal to be anything less than stunningly beautiful in Italy, Spain, Brazil, and France since there are apparently no ordinary looking people in any of these countries...except Gerard Depardieu and Roberto Benigni.

50. Even a whiny geek can defend the galaxy. Yeah, I'm talkin' about you, Luke Skywalker!