I'm betting that those of you who are dealing with, or who have dealt with, a serious illness and the ongoing treatment for it can understand how after an extended period in the medical thick of it, one can lose all sense of time and begin to feel as though trapped in some Twilight Zone-esque existential limbo. My schedule over the past nine months has been thus:
-awaken on dialysis days and dread going in for treatment
-enduring the rigors of treatment
-coming home afterward and being unable to hold down food (along with other unpleasant side-effects)
-a dodgy sleep schedule thanks to post-treatment anxiety winding me up
-finally drifting off sometime just before sunrise and sleeping for about three hours
-awaken on dialysis days and dread going in for treatment
-waking up somewhere around 7am on a day off, getting up to pee and take daily meds, perusal of the internet before going back to bed and sleeping past noon while my body recovers from the previous day's treatment
-wake up for the rest of the day (with naps possible), eat a much-needed meal, handle whatever life business needs attending to
-eat an evening meal
-get wound-up with anticipation/dread for dialysis the next day, eventually go to sleep sometime just before sunrise
-awaken on dialysis days and dread going in for treatment
-REPEAT (unless it's a Friday, in which case I'll be in a good mood during treatment because I know I'm about to have two days off in which to fully relax and recover before resuming on Monday)
In short, my life is on indefinite hold as I cannot miss treatment. I can delay it by perhaps a day or two at most, but then it's immediately back in the saddle that is my assigned recliner that makes me feel like the Monster when he's securely chained up in that dungeon chair in THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN. And next month I have three doctors' appointments at Mount Sinai — a lower ultrasound with my cardiologist, a checkup with my PC, and a checkup with dermatology — so that's three days off from dialysis down the drain (necessary, but still).
I feel like I'm in GROUNDHOG DAY, and all of this was once again driven home just a few minutes ago, as I stared at my zombie-like face in my bathroom's mirror. It is taking every bit of my waning psychological and emotional fortitude in order not to just surrender and go completely barking mad. But endure I shall, and hopefully a donor kidney will arrive sooner than later.
Next month I have three doctors' appointments at Mount Sinai — a lower ultrasound with my cardiologist, a checkup with my PC, and a checkup with dermatology — so that's three days off from dialysis down the drain (necessary, but still).
Then there's what is sure to be a fraught Mother's Day, which I will spend with my mom in Connecticut. Our relationship is famously contentious for many reasons, which is why I avoid visiting whenever I can get out of it, but with my mom's advancing age and the fact the has cancer in both lungs, this Mother's Day could potentially be her last, so missing it would be beyond shitty. I'll endure that too, and it will be marked with a trip to Westfair Seafood for dinner o that Saturday. Mom loves the place and I dig it as well, so we'll likely find a peaceful common ground as we stuff our faces on Fairfield County's finest fried seafood. But all the while I will be internally wrestling with conflicted emotions regarding my history with my only truly committed parent, who did the best that she could, especially considering the viper's nest of dysfunction and genuine madness that she grew up in. Lately I have pondered whether or not I could have been a better son to her and if I could have somehow been more tolerant of her endless judgement and criticism and just shrugged it off, but as anyone who knows her can tell you, Mildred is not an easy person to deal with. The windows through which her more pleasant aspects shine through are few, so I consider myself lucky when that side of her shows up.
Sorry to ramble, but my mind of late is in a perpetual state of exhaustion coupled with a level of contemplation and introspection that comes with being stuck in an inescapable cycle. To those of you who are also in similar situations, or even worse, believe me when I say that I feel you.
No comments:
Post a Comment