Okay, gotta be candid.
Though it's a day off between dialysis sessions, I am enjoying none of it. I'm feeling weighed down by the relentless nature of my medical situation and its attendant appointments to various facilities, plus to say nothing of the car trips to and from the center. Excursions that feel like a treadmill to and from some nameless, faceless limbo. My life is basically on hold during all of this and I am just plain bloody sick of being stuck in a window of less than 72 hours (at most) between sessions, which prevents me from getting away from all of it for any decent amount of time. And do not get me started on my treatment schedule and lack of income from a steady job, coupled with my ongoing state of physical exhaustion and nausea that keeps me feeling like hot garbage.
I feel like an animal in a cage, one that's only let out periodically to be examined and attended to by a staff of keepers. I hardly ever see my friends, and when I do my enjoyment is curtailed by the limited amounts of time that I can spend with them. Having Michele in my life is a gift beyond words, but she has her own life and career and cannot be around as often as either of us would like, and it's not her responsibility to make sure that I stay on an even keel.
Bottom line: If you are enduring the mental/emotional agony that is having your life in a state of perpetual pause while weathering a serious illness, just know that sooner or later the wait will end and whatever medical panacea that you require will someday be in sight. And I must keep reminding myself to stay strong and strive to maintain as much positivity as I am capable of mustering. That will not work on all days, this being one of those off-days, but as Devo said...
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