YET MORE SPIDEY MUSICAL MISHEGOSS: THAT DOUCHEBAG HACK BONO STEPS IN TO "RIP THE SHOW APART FROM TOP TO BOTTOM"

The saga of SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK just gets more and more insane with each passing moment. It is now being reported that colossal douchebag/hack Bono is stepping in to start the show over from scratch and "rip the show apart from top to bottom." Um, does no one notice that it's this shithead's (and The Edge's) horrendous songs that rank as one of the most blatantly obvious key factors in the show's artistic failure? Bone-hole and The Edge (the most pretentious stage name in the entire history of music) wrote — or should I say "shat out" — an entire musical's worth of songs and not one of them is any good. Not a single one. And now the producers think he's got what it takes to turn around this black hole of alleged entertainment in time for the new projected opening in mid-to-late June? Nigger, please...

The details on this latest chapter in the show's ongoing idiocy can be read here.

IT'S FINALLY OFFICIAL — JULIE TAYMOR IS OFF SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK

Celebrity douchebag/collaborator Bono helpfully points out the "Now Hiring" sign in the nearby White Castle window to former SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK director Julie Taymor. (photo by Joan Marcus)

I've got nothing to add to this, other than to say it's about goddamned time. Go here for the initial details, and I'm sure there will be a lot more to come over the next day or two.

SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK OPENING PUSHED BACK UNTIL JUNE

It seems like something happens with this show on an almost hourly basis and now, though the official press release has yet to be made, reliable sources state that SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK will be shutting down for major creative overhauls and will not open until June. Believe me, after the balls-out-and-doused-in-kerosene mess I saw during previews in December, this show needs all the re-tooling it can get. In a sane world this show would just have its plug pulled, but with over $65,000,000 (and counting) having been spent on it, that ain't gonna happen, so now it's in major crisis mode. The latest on this can be read over at THE NEW YORK TIMES.

MORE SPIDER-MAN MUSICAL MISHEGOSS: WILL JULIE TAYMOR FINALLY GET THE BOOT?

As SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK continues onward despite its opening night possibly being pushed back to June and major fixes to its myriad of flaws being in the offing, it looks like things have gotten so out of hand that director/personification of hubris Julie Taymor could face "leaving" the project. I, for one, think that's a change that's loooooong overdue and I hope someone more grounded in reality and less in ego will be handed the reins of the most expensive show in Broadway history. You can read about this latest development over at THE NEW YORK TIMES.

THE NEVER-ENEDING SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK MISHEGOSS LURCHES ON

As mentioned yesterday, the producers of SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK are considering once again pushing back the troubled production's opening date (it's currently set to raise the curtain on March 15th). Now, according to several media sources, it looks like they may push back the show's opening to June. Again, I call for accepting reality and simply putting the show out of its misery.

BIG SURPRISE — SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK MAY BE DELAYED YET AGAIN

No one is less surprised than Yer Bunche to read that SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK, the Great White Way's great white elephant, may have its announced opening night of March 15th pushed back yet again — for what would be the sixth (!!!) time — for reasons outlined in the NEW YORK TIMES article found here. To crib an infamous quote from a very publicly drunk John Wayne, "it's getting to be re-goddamned-diculous." No, on second thought, this has gone waaaay beyond re-goddamned-diculous.

With all re-tooling and bringing back of Bono and purported bringing in of outside help, I would love to know just how far over its $65,000,000 budget this fiasco has gone. It looks like the considerations currently underway are taking into account the likelihood/stone cold reality that this show will never earn back its expenditures during its domestic run, so now the objective is to get ready to turn this gaudily-painted whore loose on the international market. Good luck with that...

THE SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK SCHADENFREUDE MACHINE THUNDERS ON

The schadenfreude machine that is SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK thunders on, like some implacable Brontosaurus on a cocaine binge. Help has been brought in and yet more fine tuning and delays are in the offing, and the details can be read in the online edition of THE NEW YORK TIMES. Again I call for simply facing reality and shutting the goddamned thing down. This shit has gone way past ridiculous.

Oh, and in what may be the most incredible piece of meta-commentary on this whole mess, there's actually another Spider-Man musical in progress entitled SPIDER-MAN SMACKDOWN, possessing literally a budget of $0, that fully intends to open on the night before the real Broadway show has its proper opening. Or rather it will if the real musical is not pushed back for the umpteenth time, which seems a distinct likelihood in the wake of the latest developments. For information on this zero-budget bit of snarky nose-thumbing, check out the article over at TOPLESS ROBOT.

SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK TO RECEIVE A REWRITE?

I swear this show is the schadenfreude gift that just keeps on giving. According to this morning's NEW YORK DAILY NEWS, the producers of SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK are seeking a rewrite of the show's book, and the show opens in less than a month. Seriously, I hope someone has been keeping detailed behind-the-scenes notes on this cul de sac of a production, because that book would be one hell of a compelling chronicle of egos that are simply incapable of facing reality and conceding defeat. You can read the details here.

Reeve Carney (as Spider-Man) translates into interpretive dance how the producers of the show have basically fisted him and the rest of the musical's cast right up the ass without the benefit of Astroglide.

SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK OPENING PUSHED BACK UNTIL FEBRUARY

(Photo by Jacob Cohl, cribbed from The Wall Street Journal)

The troubled multi-gazillion dollar Broadway production of
SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK's opening has once again been pushed back, this time to February. From this morning's NEW YORK POST:

'Spider Man' in web of problems, delays Broadway opening again

NEWSCORE

Last Updated: 7:05 PM, December 16, 2010

Posted: 7:01 PM, December 16, 2010

“Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” its delaying its opening a third time, moving the official debut of Broadway’s most expensive musical from Jan. 11 to sometime in February so the creative team can work on the ending and other issues, a production source said Thursday.

The musical was originally set to start previews last February, but financial problems put them off until the fall. Last month the show delayed previews again, to Nov. 28, and bumped the Dec. 21 opening to January to allow more rehearsal time.

The more than $60 million production, which features technically complex stage flying, is directed and co-authored by Julie Taymor with a score by U2’s Bono and the Edge.

The show recently received more scrutiny when a lead actress, Natalie Mendoza, became the third performer to suffer an injury. She sustained a concussion in an offstage accident, missed two weeks of performances and returned to the show Wednesday.

The delayed opening would mean an unusually long preview period of at least nine weeks as musical previews typically last four to six weeks. The show declined to comment on any possible delay or whether any performances would be canceled as a result.

Reviews typically do not appear until after a show opens, although since the first “Spider-Man” preview theatergoers have voiced their opinions online, sounding off on the script, score and special effects. Even during previews, ticket prices can still soar to roughly $300.

Read more: http://blogs.wsj.com/metropolis/2010/12/16/spider-man-in-web-of-problems-delays-opening-again/

LOOKS LIKE THE SPIDER-MAN MUSICAL IS ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN

The perps (minus co-book writer Glen Berger).

This morning as I ate breakfast and readied myself for the pre-NY Comicon press briefing, I was listening to the radio and heard the first ad for SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK, the upcoming Broadway musical. This thing has been in development for quite a while and has famously suffered a number of setbacks, so it looked like it was going to go tits-up before it even got out of the gate. But no, it's actually opening on November 14th for previews and if I can possibly swing it I have to attend. Though I have utmost respect and admiration for director Julie Taymor, there are many reported aspects of this show that simultaneously fill me with a deep dread and a sense of elation as a fan of "bad" culture. Among those aspects:

• First of all, the title. SPIDER-MAN: TURN OFF THE DARK. What the fuck kind of title is that, anyway? It sounds like a "take back the night" march, and simply drips with emo pussification.
• The involvement of Bono and the Edge from U2 as the writers of the music. Those guys have been the biggest pair of overblown buying-their-own-hype douchebags in pop music for a long time, and while their brand of cruddy tunes may fly on CD or in inexplicably sold-out stadium shows when performed by them, but on Broadway? The Broadway critics and audience are an unforgiving lot, so this could get interesting.
• The first song from the show to be given public performance is the unimaginably douchey "Boy Falls from the Sky," and rather than comment on it at length I'll let you judge for yourself.

And here it is as performed in concert by Spew 2 themselves:



It's still awful, but I must admit that I like that guitar riff, but that's it.

• The villains of the piece are the ubiquitous and utterly played-out Green Goblin and a new creation, Swiss Miss (I shit you not), so named because her body is more or less a living Swiss Army knife. The realization of the two for the stage looks like a head-on collision of WICKED, a revival of THE WIZ and a mid-1970's Parliament show. I mean, look at this:

The whole thing looks to be adding up to be an epic disaster and I have to be there to witness it with my own eyes. Maybe I'll be proven wrong and it will be great, but I seriously doubt it. Oh and the cheap seats are going for $76.50, while the top-shelf seats will set you back by $145.00.

"Swiss Miss..." Oh, for fuck's sake...

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE: THE GUY WHO PLAYED THE DOUCHEBAG VERSION OF JOHNNY STORM IS NOW CAPTAIN AMERICA

Chris Evans as Johnny Storm: redefining the term "flaming douchebag."

In a move that once again proves that the so-called minds at work in Hollywood are bugfuck insane, Chris Evans, the guy who played the utterly loathsome version of Johnny Storm in those fucking awful FANTASTIC FOUR films, has signed to play Captain America — CAPTAIN FUCKING AMERICA!!! — in 2011's CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER. On behalf of Steve Rogers, I weep in great wracking sobs. If The Red Skull truly wanted to kill Cap, he wishes he could have come up with a scheme as dastardly as this.

Yes, this guy is going to play the sentinel of liberty. I never thought I'd live to say it, but...BRING BACK REB BROWN!!!

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!-MEET BROADWAY'S SPIDER-MAN

What else can I possibly say regarding this one other than to state that this guy is going to be playing Peter Parker in the upcoming Spider-Man musical?

His name is Reeve Carney and he's the frontman for a band bearing his last name. I have no idea what kind of music this guy puts out there, but judging from the pic I'm betting on emo. Is this bit of casting a nod to the pervasive wussy emantions of TWILIGHT? I honestly don't know, but the details on this bit of casting can be found here. And, yes, I'm dying to actually see the show because it has all the earmarks of a trainwreck. I missed CARRIE: THE MUSICAL but I won't miss this one!

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!-"BARBIE: THE MOVIE" IS A GO

Each week I think I've finally heard about a Hollywood project that once and for all proves that the great dream factory has run out of ideas, but then another week goes by and a project even more ludicrous and creatively bankrupt than the previous week's surfaces like a stubborn floater turd. The most recent of such projects to make my gorge rise was the bigscreen adaptation of the BATTLESHIP board game — no, seriously! — and now comes the announcement in VARIETY of a movie based on Barbie, the venerable girl's toy with bodily proportions suggesting a human female re-engineered by extra-terrestrials with only their own physiognomies to serve as a reconstructive road map. Hopefully the film will be a forum for a long-needed lampooning, but I doubt Mattel will be hip enough to allow that...

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!-FIRST THE "MONOPOLY" MOVIE, NOW THIS

Coming from Universal Studios, in time for the summer blockbuster season of 2011: BATTLESHIP, a movie based on the venerable board game, directed by Peter Berg, the guy who helmed the incredibly flawed HANCOCK.

(STUNNED SILENCE)

No, I am not kidding.

Then again, Ridley (ALIEN) Scott is involved with the upcoming MONOPOLY movie, so I guess this isn't really much of a stretch. So with that in mind I say we just give up all hope and sanity and pay good money — $12.50 for an adult's ticket in the New York City area — to see these flicks culled from toys, theme park rides, and board games — fucking BOARD GAMES!!! — so the box office returns will lead to the inevitable green-lighting of PET ROCK: THE MOVIE, starring Dwayne Johnson.

PET ROCK: THE MOVIE? Oh, like you wouldn't pay to see it...

NOTHIN' LIKE A MOUTHFUL OF MEAT

There are times when credulity is stretched to the breaking point, and when I first saw this print ad I thought it was a joke:

Apparently this is actually running in Singapore at the moment, and it can be found on the Internet by Googling "Burger King blowjob ad." There's no fucking way this would fly here in the U.S., and more's the pity.

THE REMAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE or FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHY?!!?

Fuck unnecessary remakes. Fuck 'em in the ear!!! They nearly always bite the big one and in no way improve on the original films upon which they were based (see Peter Jackson's KING KONG as proof), so I guess Hollywood keeps churning them out in hope that they'll succeed on name recognition alone. Never mind the across the board desecration of legitimately good, sometimes even classic films...

An utterly unnecessary remake of THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE opens this Friday, and I've been against its mere existence since first hearing it was coming into being a little over a year ago. Why does that film need to be remade for a modern audience? Other than it taking place in the Manhattan of the time when it was made, the movie has not dated one bit and its tense heist plotline remains gripping from start to finish. I very much doubt John Travolta's contemporary take on Robert Shaw's chilling and all-business Mr. Blue will engender even half the dread found in Shaw's performance; at no time did the audience doubt Blue's stated intention of killing the subway-riding hostages unless his demands and instructions were carried out to the letter, and when his men did finally kill people it carried all the impact of getting hit square in the mouth with a brick. From what I've seen in the trailers for the new version, Travolta's bad guy is a bit of a jocular wiseass, and that strikes me as annoying rather than actually scary. Sure, what he's doing is potentially fear-inducing, but I always feel that snarky bad guys come off more as just a bunch of contrived, script-mandated pricks rather than a viable threat. And what's the deal with Denzel Washington? His bland subway traffic controller cannot possibly be on par with Walter Matthaus's weathered and clued-in Garber. By the look of things, he was hired to provide a pretty black face, thus ensuring the ticket money of my fellow highly-rhythmic individuals and those who drool over Denzel's fine ass.

I know I'm whining about something that's merely another summer popcorn movie, but seriously, do we need this movie? I'd bet even money that anyone from today's audience, regardless of age, would find it impossible not to get drawn into the original's setup and stay hooked throughout. The current PELHAM looks to be yet another remake item spewn from the abused asshole of a lazy Hollywood, and I, for one, refuse to believe it's just due to the dream factory having run out of ideas. No, it's laziness and hope of cashing in on a commodity that people may have heard of thanks to its considerable reputation, but may not have seen. TRUST YER BUNCHE and check out the 1974 original. It's easily obtainable through Netflix and should be seen and remembered as one of the best thrillers of its era. Let's see if the same can be said about the new one...

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE: THE MAX FLEISCHER SUPERMAN CARTOONS-"NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN???"

I just got in to work after the holiday weekend and was delighted to find my set of the 1940's Max Fleischer Superman cartoons had arrived, but when I opened the Amazon box and perused
set's packaging I was appalled to read the following on the back:

Superman: The Max Fleischer Cartoon Collection Is Intended for the Adult Collector and Is Not Suitable for Children.

(LONG, CONFUSED PAUSE)

Let me get this straight. Superman, the Man of Steel, champion of truth, justice and the American way, is "not suitable for children?" What kind of shit is that?!!? They pulled the same mess when a batch of Fleischer Popeye cartoons came out not too long ago and I was pissed off about that as well, but labeling Superman as not suitable for kids fills me with a murderous rage. I've seen all of the cartoons in question and, sure, they are a product of their time, but other than the WWII demonizing of the Japanese in "The Japateurs" and "The Eleventh Hour" there is nothing in any of them that could be considered offensive. And when it comes to those two cartoons, parents can explain the context to the kids and tell them that ethnic stereotyping isn''t cool or they can skip over them using the remote.

I'm the first to admit that what I would or would not consider "unsuitable" for kids is probably more liberally interpreted than the opinions of most grownups, but I see nothing here that would damage the growing mind or sensibilities of my just-shy-of-five niece, Cleo, and I would never show her anything that would do her harm. Maybe the warning on the package was a well-intended caveat, but the mere idea of considering Superman unwholesome for kids does not sit well with me. This is just as ludicrous as the DVDs of the first couple of years of SESAME STREET being deemed "too much" for today's kids, and if this is allowed to continue don't be surprised to see America become the nation of pussies that the Political Correctness movement of the 1980's planted the seeds for. Superman "not suitable..." MY BEIGE ASS!!! That's downright un-American!!!

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE: THE FARRELLY BROTHERS TO RE-LAUNCH THE THREE STOOGES

The Red Menace, one of the sales guys at my job, strolled over to my desk yesterday with a look of simultaneous confusion and dread upon his face and asked me, the design 'ho house's resident movie geek, if I knew anything about a re-launch of the Three Stooges in a feature film from the Farrelly Brothers. Blanching to near the color of my rapist great-great-grandfather at the thought of so unnecessary an abomination, I investigated this rumor and was horrified to discover that it is indeed true: the Farrelly Brothers, the guys behind DUMB & DUMBER, KINGPIN and THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY have been given the green light to put out a contemporary feature film that looses the legendary and uber-violent Larry, Moe and Curly in the 2000's and all I have to say to that is, "Why?"

The Three Stooges are no one's idea of either high cinema or intelligent comedy, but to many of us in the viewing audience, especially those of us packing a Y chromosome, their antics are some pretty funny shit and are classics of stupid/guy humor for a reason. They were also very much a product of their era, a time when slapstick was not only generally accepted but also worked as a viable genre and the same cannot necessarily be said today. But these days the knockabout slapstick that was the Stooges' stock in trade has been supplanted by the vulgar gross-out or the hapless, arrested development man-child, both sub-categories of humor that are as much a part of their era as the Stooges were, so I have serious doubts about whether the Stooges will work today. The Farrelly's desire to make a Three Stooges film may indeed be a sincere expression of love from a pair of fans, but unless they've got some serious lightning in a bottle I'd bet good money on the film being nothing more than another name-recognition cash-in that will suck out loud.

Oh, and the icing on this potential shit cake is that Los Hermanos Farrelly are rumored to be eyeing both Sean Penn and Johnny Depp as headliners. No. For the love of all that is holy, nooooooooo!!! Save me, Jeebus!

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE: WHEN THE SMOKE CLEARS

Upon hearing of Olympic superstar Michael Phelps getting photographed "allegedly smoking pot" from a bong, the only reaction I could muster was, "Who fucking cares?" Drugs and sports figures are by no means strangers and usually when the two meet it's far more severe than a mere bonghit or two. Did the guy use steroids? Spike a throbbing vein with shot of uncut heroin? Snort his name written in cocaine off the shaved pubic mound of Courtney Love? Fill his rectum to overflowing with imported Balinese animal tranquilizers? No, no, no and unequivocally no, so again I ask who fucking cares?

Yeah, I know the guy's a role model and all that, but this just doesn't strike me as being all that earth-shaking. If anything the biggest shock here is that Phelps would put himself in a position where he'd be caught on camera enjoying a pull of the Chronic, thereby jeopordizing his lucrative endorsements and Olympic future. I'm curious to see if his apology to the media will stave off a fall from grace, and if my two cents helps at all (which I'm sure it doesn't) I say let the guy slide on this one. He didn't get behind the wheel after drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels and mow down innocent people, so let the embarrassment over getting busted serve as punishment.

Seriously, who fucking cares?

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!-A HIGHLY QUESTIONABLE PRESIDENTIAL "TRIBUTE"

A "drunken negro head cookie," purportedly in "honor" of President Obama... Hunh?!!?

Now that Obama's in office I'm sitting glued to the web looking for idiotic shit that the brain-dead among our citizenry will commit that has to due with a black dude being the commander-in-chief, and anything that I miss I'm certain to be alerted to by my loyal readers and friends, in this case the ever-diligent Cranky Frankie. Frank knows and understands my wry amusement at the excesses of racist humor and blackface "negrobilia," so he keeps me updated on all the latest in ethnic mudslinging and has just sent me a link to the concrete proof of one man's complete and total lack of any brain cells whatsoever. Click here to feel the shame that so obviously eludes that subject of the piece; I'll let this one speak for itself, but I do strongly urge you to watch the video clip that follows the text article. I'm curious to see if the business' sales will drop off as a result of this coverage, but I doubt it...