THE "WOLVERINE MEETS FREDDIE MERCURY" POST MAKES IT TO ROLLING STONE

The now-infamous submission page.

Well, color me surprised...

Never in my wildest imaginings did I expect to see the "Wolverine meets Freddie Mercury" submission page that I received over a decade ago and posted here two years ago featured on the io9 website, and sure as hell didn't expect to see the page in question end up showcased on the ROLLING STONE web page, but such has come to pass and it can be seen here. If only they could get away with posting "Filthie Rich."

And in the interest of giving credit where credit is due, the page was first brought to my attention by my old friend and Bullpen brother Darren Auck, who at the time was the Bullpen's head of art corrections. As part of his duties, Darren received and perused countless submissions from aspiring artists, most of which were totally unusable crap, and he knew that I collected such anti-masterpieces in a thick binder, so when the submission in question fell into his hands he passed it on to me so I could photocopy it and add it to my collection, which I later digitized and posted here for posterity. And, boy, am I glad I did! I spoke to Darren about this sudden viral Internet presence not an hour ago and he told me he no longer had the original, it being lost to the mists of time and a ton of studio-cluttering junk that likely got thrown out. Let's hear it for being a pack-ratting, scanning geek blogger!

ARTIST COLLEN COOVER RE-INTERPRETS A CLASSIC FROM MY INFAMOUS SUBMISSIONS COLLECTION

Remember two years ago when I posted a classic from my infamous collection of crazy submissions found during my days in the Marvel Bullpen that featured Wolverine inexplicably running into Freddie Mercury in the middle of some random forest? Well, apparently artist Colleen Coover saw it and has been so haunted by its non sequitor imagery and tone that she's been moved to draw her own re-interpretation of it. Check this out:

Seriously, what's not to love here? Well done, Colleen!

And to truly give credit where credit is due, the submission in question was originally brought to my attention by Darren Auck, who was at the time the head of the Marvel Bullpen's art corrections section. He received tons of ludicrous submissions but that one practically exploded out of the envelope when he opened it. Knowing of my ever-growing binder filled with crazy submissions and letters — of which this was the most inspired but my no means the most genuinely insane — Darren let me photo copy it and now it's digitized and posted on the Internet, thus preserved for posterity.

THE PERSECUTION FILES

One thing that I always found fascinating about reader's letters and submissions to either Marvel or DC is how sometimes the items sent in would have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with comics. We'd get letters from people with all manner of personal issues that they would not hesitate to share with the total strangers they sent their missives to, and every now and then we'd receive a stream of letters from individuals who seemed more than a little bit unhinged. What follows is what I long ago dubbed "The Persecution Chronicles," a series of detailed accounts relating one man's perceived hounding by "the Persecutors." Several of this guy's letters were received by Marvel, but then one day they just stopped, presumably because the writer (whose name has been omitted) was finally taken away and given the psychiatric attention that he so clearly needed. Anyway, here's a first-hand look into one man's very deep paranoia.

WHEN PUBLIC RELATIONS GO HORRIBLY WRONG

This one's something of both a classic and an unsolved Marvel Bullpen mystery.

During my first year as a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Bullpenner — not long before my daily existence was defined by shitloads of booze and weed — what follows was among the first examples of bizarre letters to cross my path. Editorial received the letter seen below after, well, it speaks for itself:

And what, you may ask, set off this offended reader? Here's the letter in question:

That letter obviously would never have been sent by anyone on the Marvel staff and no one by the nae of "J.P. Cardo" ever worked there, so I'm guessing it fell into the hands of a certain intern whose time at Marvel ended fairly swiftly due to his Bronx-bred general assholism. I have no proof of that, just supposition. But whatever the case, whoever wrote it gains points for rendering an otherwise sophomoric prank letter into a work of genius by making the "O" in "FUCK YOU!!" a Spider-Man head. Well played, sir!

THE JOKER BITES

What's not to love about a submission from an unidentified hopeful who depicts The Joker taking the place of some blindfolded guy's orally-kind girlfriend, biting off the poor bastard's unit, and then liberally applying malt vinegar to the wound?

This was received at Marvel not long after the shirt-lived craze over FAUST (remember that?), so I'm guessing this guy was influenced by that now-forgotten bit of adults-only mayhem.

"YO! DON' MAKE ME COMOVADEAH!!"

Ever since I was a kid I've read the characters in comics with accents appropriate to where they're supposed to be from, whether that accent is indicated in the script or not, so this Spider-Man versus Wolverine submission plays right into my "hearing" Spidey speaking with a Queens accent. Plus, what's not to love about a superhero fight breaking out for no reason whatsoever, something the characters even acknowledge in this instance?

Sadly, the artist only sent in these three pages. I coulda read a whole issue o' dis here stuff!

WHEN THE FANS COMPLAIN

This one's from the early 1990's, just after Marvel raised the cover price on their comics. I particularly love the itemized list of books the guy will no longer be purchasing:

NOTE: this post originally included a memorable illustrated "Fuck you" that came from a fan who'd made the switch to Image Comics, but not before taking the time to illustrate an orgy starring the seriously underage members of Power Pack and some of the grownup X-Men gals and Sam "Cannonball" Guthrie. While I personally considered it an amusing piece of fan protest, I nonetheless had a bit of trepidation over running it and as a result I asked, "To all legal experts out there who may be reading this: does running this count as kiddie porn? I'm hoping that the shoddy quality of the the art and the obvious satirical intent will negate that odious definition." Well, early reader ChrisV82 wrote in to direct me to an entry on Wikipedia and after reading what it had to say on the perception of exactly what does or does not constitute child pornography as defined by United States law, specifically as applied to cartoon representations of such, I decided to err on the side of not having my ass prosecuted for the distribution of kiddie porn and removed the potentially-inflammatory image after it was up for less than ninety minutes. Sorry to disappoint you, dear Vaulties, but I think you can forgive me for this particular instance of pussying out.

With that said, the illustration is question was very crudely crafted, including some shaky-handed tracing of the grownup female characters in order to make up for the sender's clearly non-existent skill at drawing hot chicks. The Power Pack kids (and Franklin Richards) cavorting with them were so badly drawn that it required some effort on the part of the viewer to fully perceive what was going on, and the whole mess ended up looking like it was scrawled during social studies class by a bored and very naughty seventh-grader. Nonetheless, It's probably in my own best interests not to run it. Thanks for the tip, ChrisV82.

ONE OF THE GREATEST SUBMISSIONS OF ALL TIME: FILTHIE RICH

Of the many questionable submissions that made its way to Marvel, perhaps none offered greater potential than the brilliant lives-up-to-its-name FILTHIE RICH, a hardcore gay parody of the old Richie Rich and Casper comics that would have fit in perfectly with Marvel's then-defunct CRAZY magazine (had that publication allowed for such raunchy material, that is). This piece was a fave even to those not into gay porn, thanks thanks to its "clever" dialogue, especially the now-immortal "This hobgoblin knows knob-gobbling!!"

To the unknown artist who came up with this: Well done, sir!

THE MOST DISTURBING SUBMISSION LETTER EVER

This letter came in during my time in Vertigo editorial and it was by far the most disturbing I've ever received from an editor (one from the Batman group in the DCU who shall remain nameless), which is really saying something because I have numerous letters from schizophrenics, inmates of maximum security prisons and obsessive conspiracy-nuts.. Double-click to see it large and prepare to be creeped out.

Wow. Just...WOW. And I never saw the artwork he mentions.

THE CREATIVE MIND OF MICHAEL FROM LANCASTER

Back in the days, there were a number of fans who regularly sent in ideas and proposals to Marvel Comics and there were a special handful whose letters were eagerly awaited by the staff. One such writer was Michael (last name withheld) from Lancaster, NY, who would often send in character concepts of dubious quality, ending each letter with his contact info in case Marvel was blown away by his ideas and couldn't wait to hire him as a writer. Most of his pitches were run-of-the-mill stuff, but the two that you are about to read are oustanding examples of marvel not knowing a pair of sure-fire hits when they were staring them in the face (double-click on them to see them large). First up is "Petey, King of Drugs":

And as if that weren't "edgy" enough for you, check out one of my all-time favorite pitches, the jaw-dropping "Augie":


I don't know about you, but I would have read both of those comics in a heartbeat if they were ever greenlighted.

PRIDE COMES BEFORE A FALL: A GREAT MOMENT IN SELF-PROMOTION

When it comes to classics of inflated ego, this one speaks for itself (double-click to see them large):




Move over, Frank Cho! The gauntlet has been thrown!

SUB-MISSION!!!

Back in the days (circa 1996): Yer Bunche, with Skid Row frontman Sebastian Bach in the Marvel Bullpen.

During my years in the Mighty Marvel Bullpen(February 1990-October 1998), one of my favorite pastimes was collecting the frequently wacky and often downright insane letters and submissions sent in by Marvel's readers and eager hopefuls who aspired to join the ranks of Chris Claremont and Frank Miller as comic book storytellers. The overwhelming majority of the stuff that found its way into my hands would never fly in mainstream comics (or comics at all, for that matter), be it art submissions or letters to the editors, so my new mission (or "sub-mission" if you will) is to post some of the classics from the files in hope that future generations will learn what not to send to comics publishers. But while my goal is to provide cautionary examples, let's get things started with what is perhaps my favorite example from the files, a work that never fails to make me grin from ear to ear.

The piece found below was sent to Darren Auck, then head of Marvel's art-correction task force, the Raiders, and when he'd finished vomiting from laughing so hard, he passed it on to me. While this guy would never have gotten work in a professional comic as a penciller, I have to admire his talent for creating an instant classic of a non sequitor:

Seriously, how the fuck does someone even make the leap in narrative logic from depicting Wolverine stalking through the forest to having him run into Freddie Mercury of Queen for no apparent reason? That, dear readers, is a sign of true creativity.