Since as far back as I can remember the human female has fascinated me. Ladies, I love the way you think, the way your bodies yield when held close, that look in your eyes that says, “I have secrets that you’d love to unravel,” the way you move… Shit, I just love everything about you. And as a man who piously worships at the female altar, I love to give you that special kiss. You know what I’m talking about. Whistling in the wheat field. Yodeling in the valley. Getting a taste of the pink delight. Eating the fish sandwich. You guessed it, chica; I’m talking about that face-first greeting to the one hundred percent all-girl sandwich meat. Yes, I’m talking about eating your pussy until your eyes roll back into your skull, your knees wobble like a Jell-O mold during a major earthquake, and your nose starts to bleed.
The phrasing may seem crass, but true passion is seldom eloquent.
Some guys refuse to even entertain the thought of orally pleasing a lady — especially many members of my own highly rhythmic special interest group — and I not only pity them, but I also pity their women. These men usually explain away their reluctance with pronouncements that the pussy is “nasty.” In my opinion, I think they are skittish thanks to ignorance, fear, and belief in such outright falsehoods as the long-held male belief that woman-stuff smells like fish; perhaps when the woman in question is gynecologically ill or putting up with certain punctual annoyances that their gender is heir to, but usually the stuff is quite nice. So, guys, butch up and go south.
It’s not the hardest thing in the world to do, especially if you communicate with your partner. Newsflash, fellas: women like to come just as much as you do, and if you show an eagerness to get them there, they will direct you with the same aplomb as that displayed by a skilled air traffic controller. Some like the “alphabet” method — wherein you lick the alphabet, but if you do that I advise against humming the “Alphabet Song” — others like aggressive attention to their clit, there are those who like a gentle kissing effect to the aforementioned “yummy button” coupled with some manual stimulation to their G-spot, exactly the same as the aforementioned only with the added bonus of a friendly digit up the booty, and the real adventurers who enjoy that most personal lick accompanied by a carefully and patiently administered hand that becomes a gentle fist, filling her utterly in ways that a penis just isn’t equipped to do… The variations are endless, so ask her what she likes, you horny fool!
But then there is that most frightening of anomalies: the woman who finds her own good stuff to be repellent and disgusting, thereby being grossed-out in the first place, and utterly unwilling to let the kind headsman get down to business. These women, I am convinced, were raised by repressed mothers and had no borderline-nymphomaniac friends or sisters to inform them that good, orally-generated, ear-grabbing orgasms are the exact cosmic opposite of such things as the Black Plague, the Holocaust, and GIGLI, and may not necessarily be beyond help, but those whom I have run into with this sad affliction are impossible to convince otherwise and so I politely get out of being with them. I mean, how the fuck do you get someone over her deeply rooted genital self-hatred without years of therapy? Sadly, I am merely a blogger and not a sexologist, so the answers to such questions cannot be provided by your humble cunnilinguist. If any of you readers — particularly the female ones — can add any constructive comments, or even your own advice for the would-be oralist, please send your comments and I will eventually craft an entry culled from your musings, so don’t delay, send them today! And don’t be afraid to be graphically honest; the details are always fun!