"THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN" and other fun stuff

The other afternoon I was hanging out with my gloriously filthy-minded pal, Jill, when somehow the conversation degenerated to nasty guy stuff similar to topics covered on this blog a few weeks ago. (See "Debunking the Stranger ")

Jill, a diminutive woman whom one might mistakenly think of as too cute and children's show host-looking to command so voluminous a range of twisted concepts, somehow brought up the subject of the infinite and disgusting "sex acts" postulated by drunken (or just plain idiotic) guys and introduced my already polluted mind to two that were new to me. First up is one when a guy shoots his ball-sauce into the eye of girl who's unconscious enough not to be awakened by taking a shot in the face — I'd venture that serious liquor would be a prerequisite — , after which said population paste is allowed to dry into a makeshift eyepatch so that when the young lady awakens and tries to open her crusted-over eye, the eye in question is glued shut and she exclaims, "AAAAAAARRR!!!" This lovely bit of boudoir tomfoolery is aptly entitled "the Pirate."

Seeing Jill's facial expression as she demonstrated the "AAAAAARRR" caused me to nearly snarf my beer all over myself, so, seeing the state that the Pirate put me into, Jill asked, "Ever hear of the 'Amazing Spider-Man?" Being a comics-geek I almost said, Well, duh!" but remembering where this conversation had begun I confessed ignorance. Jill's deceptively wholesome, Disneyesque face split into an evil smile when she looked me in the eye, mimed "the old man throwing dice," and said, "The Amazing Spider-Man is when a dude jerks off into his hand, makes a fist, and then flings his jizz at whomever he chooses, the gesture mimicking Spidey throwing a web!"

How to perform "The Amazing Spider-Man"

Step 1: Cum into your palm, then make a fist.

Step 2: Fling your spunk with a palm-up downward motion, giving the your man-glue missile some Spider-Man-style "English."

I'm telling you, people like Jill enrich my life in oh so many ways...

DEBUNKING "THE STRANGER"

One thing guys have an uncanny knack for is theorizing new and ludicrous things to do with our built-in joysticks. The concepts fly fast and loose and year by year I hear tell of such things as "the Rusty Trombone," "the Blumpkin," "the Jeremy Swing," "the Produce Poke," "the Dirty Sanchez" (a personal conceptual favorite), "the Tony Danza," "the Strawberry Shortcake" and many, many other alleged sex acts that simultaneously elicit groans of disgust and giggles, just like those experienced in junior high school locker rooms. But of all of these, the one that I often hear mentioned during times when men get sophomoric is "the Stranger."

The Stranger is a concept that combines simplicity with a potentially great idea: a guy cuts off circulation to his 'bating hand of choice until said appendage "falls asleep," at which point he proceeds to beat off as per usual, only this time the hand feels different, as though a total stranger is kindly administering a handjob. The first time I heard about this — thank you very much, Greaseball Johnny — I laughed my ass off, but recently I pondered the Stranger and separated the humorous from the physiologically achievable to arrive at the following: sure, your hand may be numbed, but the object of jacking off is to gratify a needful penis, not one's hand, so what difference does it make if your hand is numb or not? It's all about the one-eyed mop, and while the mind may register the tingling of one's hand trying to regain proper circulation, that sensation doesn't let loose the same endorphins (and other stuff) garnered from a session of "an old man rolling dice" (picture the motion made by by your grandpa engaging in that activity while using an arthritic hand and you'll get the analogy). In other words, it's a totally different effect than intended; the Stranger is a load (pardon the pun) of masturbatory bullshit.

I hope by clearing this up I've saved some adolescent boy hours of needless hand-sitting, and pray that such a kid would not have already become so jaded in his stroking activities as to need to attempt the Stranger.