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Friday, March 14, 2008


One thing guys have an uncanny knack for is theorizing new and ludicrous things to do with our built-in joysticks. The concepts fly fast and loose and year by year I hear tell of such things as "the Rusty Trombone," "the Blumpkin," "the Jeremy Swing," "the Produce Poke," "the Dirty Sanchez" (a personal conceptual favorite), "the Tony Danza," "the Strawberry Shortcake" and many, many other alleged sex acts that simultaneously elicit groans of disgust and giggles, just like those experienced in junior high school locker rooms. But of all of these, the one that I often hear mentioned during times when men get sophomoric is "the Stranger."

The Stranger is a concept that combines simplicity with a potentially great idea: a guy cuts off circulation to his 'bating hand of choice until said appendage "falls asleep," at which point he proceeds to beat off as per usual, only this time the hand feels different, as though a total stranger is kindly administering a handjob. The first time I heard about this — thank you very much, Greaseball Johnny — I laughed my ass off, but recently I pondered the Stranger and separated the humorous from the physiologically achievable to arrive at the following: sure, your hand may be numbed, but the object of jacking off is to gratify a needful penis, not one's hand, so what difference does it make if your hand is numb or not? It's all about the one-eyed mop, and while the mind may register the tingling of one's hand trying to regain proper circulation, that sensation doesn't let loose the same endorphins (and other stuff) garnered from a session of "an old man rolling dice" (picture the motion made by by your grandpa engaging in that activity while using an arthritic hand and you'll get the analogy). In other words, it's a totally different effect than intended; the Stranger is a load (pardon the pun) of masturbatory bullshit.

I hope by clearing this up I've saved some adolescent boy hours of needless hand-sitting, and pray that such a kid would not have already become so jaded in his stroking activities as to need to attempt the Stranger.

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