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Sunday, June 25, 2006

YOUR PUSSY: A COMPLAINT

Ladies, a word, please.

As has been stated endlessly in previous posts, I love me some pussy. Really and truly, I do. However, I have absolutely zero interest in whatever may ail your most holy of intimate places, and I think that most men would agree with me on this.

You see, all of my life I have always had more female friends than male, and many women tend to speak to me with the candor that they usually reserve only for other females (Jeff the bartender calls this my “gay ear”); that’s great, and I am flattered that you feel comfortable enough to let me into the mysterious and arcane world of chickness, but this blessing has often turned into a curse, specifically when you feel the need to fill me in on every detail of your gynecological issues.

Let me assure you that I, and most likely most other men (and many other women, for that matter) DO NOT want to hear about how you just got “the drip” or the relative viscosity of said flow, how your girl stuff may reek like a cheese factory or a trout farm, visceral descriptions of your scorched earth vulvic mound after shaving yourselves smooth and the rashes and ingrown hairs that accompany such grooming habits, the details of your getting genital warts removed, and most of all, the horrific details of your yeast infections and the methods with which you deal with them.

That said, I hereby call a moratorium on any and all such discussions with me unless it is an absolute emergency. I would be more willing to put up with all of this if I were your husband or boyfriend, in other words actually getting some of the pussy whose issues and upkeep I am forced to endure the tales about, but since you have not earned the privilege to pass such info on to me, please keep it to yourself.

I thank you for your time.

5 comments:

Bobby the Blue Baxojayz said...

BRAVO!!!

As a fellow man who also loves me some pussy, I must say that the most vile thing a woman can ever do is share secrets about her secret place.

I don't have a gash. I only want to be served some gash a couple times a week and hear nothing about the plumbing of said gash.

Words to live by, Bunche. You are right on the money!

Chez said...

I'm on my way out to Brooklyn now to smack you in the face for that picture. Jesus is that a hideous analogy.

Da Nator said...

I agree that that sort of discussion is TMI. However, knowing you and your own revelatory conversational habits (esp regarding bodily emissions and sex), you probably were kind of asking for it. Just sayin'!

vince martin said...

hey man your blog is great and you are a wild man---and i tell ya you're right about the pussy---wonder who'd listen to a man talk about a dripping cock--yechh!--also--you got me doin' the shark dance reading that one--swam with dolphins for years in florida and in the bahamas--with the original flippers-but nevr ever with sharks--who have been around longer than us and can't be so dumb to have survived that long-you must've been high as a kite on that rush right?? you have -deservedly -great friends--carry on man carry on and in the immortal words of every musician worth the name--STRAIGHT AHEAD-vince martin

Your Secret Girlfriend (shh) said...

Protest all you want. This is like a wine connoisseur refusing to talk about those bad grapes in '85. You might not have wanted to talk about someone's vineyard in particular, but you want to know, just for the insight into those creatures you love.