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Thursday, August 20, 2009

THE MOST FUCKING AWESOME T-SHIRT IN THE UNIVERSE

Sometimes life throws a curveball that warps one's basic sense of reality as one knows it, and the following item has done that for me at the moment.

See this rather lame and generic shirt featuring three howling wolves and a full moon? Trite, no?

Well lemme tell ya something, buddy. Apparently this humble/awful t-shirt has become a phenomenon over on Amazon, where over 1,300 consumers have written in with their reviews attesting to the sheer awesomeness imbued upon the wearer by what at first seems to be a mere item of trailer park-ready apparel. Dubbed the "Three Wolf Moon" tee, this mystical fashion statement is a focal point of cosmic energies previously incomprehensible to mortal man (with the likely exception of Injuns and collegiate dabblers in mind-altering pharmaceuticals), but now it can be yours for around the price of a halfway decent case of beer.

Myself and several of my co-workers were intrigued when one of our designers, let's call him "Sour Sam," alerted us to it, and now we all want to obtain one of these objects of power and harness its innate magicks. Seriously, how could you not want one after reading such actually posted reviews as the following (the names of the reviewers have been withheld, but I swear these are up on Amazon):

Why can't Amazon have more stars? 5 ain't enough!
So I'm looking for threads that say, "Hey baby...I'm real boss!" when I stumble upon this epic creation. The wolves spoke to me in a language all their own; it was like German, Mongol, and Bitchin all mixed together. I mean, one wolf howlin at the moon is major...but three???


I ordered next-day air (if only there was same day!), and, of course, a size smaller than usual to ensure the closeness of the wolves to my chest hair. When the package arrived, I tore it open, and I SWEAR angels sang. I think it was Freebird. I immediately removed my "No Fat Chicks" shirt, and replaced it with this finery. Lemme tell you: AW YEAH.

I'll spare the details of my conquests since I started wearing this shirt; suffice to say, I'm swimming in a sea of babes the likes of which are usually found on those K-Tel infomercials. I'm also more confident at work, and expect to be promoted to cashier soon. I owe everything to this shirt (I should say "shirts", since I now own 23 of them).

Without knowing, I gained the power of the wolf
I bought this shirt at Wal-Mart because I liked the design. There was some feral instinct that made me toss aside the myriad other shirts and get the 3 Wolves Howling shirt. I still don't know why. I went to a local biker event and a very attractive girl asked where I got the shirt. I told her and she said "That is the coolest shirt I have ever seen". Well, as you may have guessed, the rest of the night went beyond my wildest dreams. Silly me, I thought that it was ME, not the shirt. However, after a short period of celibacy (not voluntarily) I wore the shirt again and, stunningly, I had my choice of women at the bar I went to. I then realized it was the power of the wolf that I had inadvertantly stumbled upon. I decided to push my luck. I am a keyboard player, and I went to a Rolling Stones concert wearing the shirt. The road manager came out and invited me backstage. Mick asked me about the shirt. In the conversation, I mentioned I was a keyboard player. You guessed it-now I am the backup keyboardist for the Rolling Stones. With the extraordinary amount of money I am making, I have bought enough of these shirts to last me the rest of my life without ever having to wash one. Would I recommend this shirt? Only if you are tough enough to handle it.

If God wore a t-shirt, it would have three wolves and a moon on it
I am very respected,envied, and feared throughout the world. . . of Warcraft. As a man endowed with such a might and power, I have also been gifted with a physique that is appropriate as such. My powerful shape and size has rendered the vast majority of the shirts in my wardrobe less appropriate to wear. For example, my colossal arms have ripped the sleeves on my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirt, and my titanic girth has stretched out my original Yoda shirt to the point that one could mistake him for Jabba the Hut. With this conundrum at hand, I paused a very important quest in World of Warcraft to update my wardrobe. When the Three Wolves t-shirt blessed my screen with its presence, I immediately bought five of them. I waited for the magic to grace my home, and I wasn't disappointed. . . .

I noticed that the shirt fit snuggly--ensuring me that no troglodytes would steal it off of my back. I also very much appreciated that it is short enough to show about three inches of my stomach, the powerhouse of my being, complete with the hair of a mighty brute and a girth which would rival that of even the greatest kings. I immediately ran some of my medicated salve into my scalp, got my pony tail adjusted to ride just over the waistline of my blue sweat pants, and I was off to the local thrift store in search of comic books and vintage video games. The shirt gave me the luck of an ancient talisman from World of Warcraft; it was just like boosting my Mana and skill points by 35. I stumbled upon an original Storm trooper action figure still in its original packaging! It must be worth tens of dollars, and I got it for only three. I also found that a young damsel couldn't keep her eyes off of me. I turned to face her so that she could see the divine linen that I had donned that morning. It was clear that she was drawn in by the aura of my power and mysticism which was made even greater by the shirt. I got her cell phone number and promptly entered it in my PDA.

It has been three weeks, and I have yet to remove the first of my five shirts. I am hoping that its divine fibers will meld with my flesh so that we can become one in our greatness. I have gone up an astounding 23 levels in World of Warcraft, and I have the shirt to thank. I can't even think of what other things this shirt has done to enhance the quality of my existence. Thank God for the Three Wolves and the Moon on my T-shirt.

A day that will live in infamy
The day that I received my 3WM shirt in the mail is my Pearl Harbor, it shall live in infamy.
I had been sore from the intensive training I had undergone in preparation for this day... you know, to be utilized in beating back the intense barrage of screaming ladies clawing for a piece of me. I had been training like a fighter trains for his title shot, not only for my own safety but to live up to the reputation of the 3WM.

As I stood in front of the mailbox, I opened it, noticing a faint glow from inside and the sound of what I could have swore was distant howling. I reached inside and pulled out the Amazon.com package, instantly lighting up like a combination of the fourth of July, Time's Square on New Years, the eerie white light from the X-Files, and a kid with a brand new toy on Christmas morning.


With baited breath and much trepidation, I donned the shirt, instantly absorbing its powers, and set out on an adventure back across the parking lot to my apartment. Though it was raining, the 3WM shirt refused to be inconvenienced with "wet" by the water drops falling from the sky and would not allow me this discomfort either, so it repelled every droplet that came within a five foot radius of my shirt. As I stood in the rain, looking down in amazement, the soreness went away, and suddenly, there I was, up to my neck in screaming, crying ladies... it was like the Beatles had just landed, but better, because the Beatles didn't have the 3WM shirt... suckers. How I made it out of there I haven't a clue, but thanks to my training, and the recently acquired skills of the three wolves navigating by moonlight, I escaped. Hours later, as I returned from my journey that normally would have taken less than two minutes, not only had the trash taken itself out and my dog learned how to speak in English, but all my furniture had transformed to leather and my apartment was now a 2000 square foot condo. The best part? Dinner was waiting... Hot, succulent, freshly grilled steaks with steamy, flaky baked potatoes and a cold one. And of course, three cool pieces of raw cow flesh left over for my newest howling friends. My dog was jealous. I know because she told me. In English.

Needless to say, I am impressed. However, in the interest of providing an unbiased forum for this amazing revelation, here's a dissenting opinion:

I guess some of the benefits are exaggerated
So I got this wolf shirt because of, you know, the sweet wolves on it.

However, having owned this shirt for three weeks now and having tried it out in a variety of situations, both formal and informal, I'm beginning to believe that some of the benefits ---- as described by other reviewers ---- are exaggerated. For example, not ONE supermodel has approached me. Some of you may be used to having supermodels approach you on a regular basis but, believe me, I am not: I would notice one should she appear in my vicinity.

Similarly, I have not been invited to a vision quest, even though I wore my wolf shirt in New Mexico.

There is one thing, though, and that is that whenever I wear the wolf shirt I have a lot less issues with involuntary urination. I have not studied it long enough, however, to establish a cause/effect relationship.

Once, however, while wearing the wolf shirt I was mistaken for Schneider, the building superintendent on "One Day at a Time."

So I guess the jury is still out.

Whatever the case, we are clearly living in days of miracle and wonder, so head on over to Amazon and read these stirring testimonials for yourself! There are 138 pages of them. No lie!!!

8 comments:

Amber Love said...

Even Obama finds power in the shirt: http://www.blameitonthevoices.com/2009/06/who-is-wearing-three-wolf-moon-t-shirt.html

Catherine said...

Yikes! I couldn't even read through all that drivel. Perhaps, Bunche, there is something wrong with us that we are missing the mysticism here?

Stanik said...

I got the feeling that a gaggle of irony loving hipsters might be involved with this one... Have you ever seen the reviews on Amazon for milk?
Behold almost 2000 comments...
http://tinyurl.com/kso3v9

Jim Browski said...

Please tell me you are joking about believing in this nonsense.

The only people who will receive good fortune from this shirt are the owners of the sweat shop that it was probably manufactured in.

Maybe they should send a few to Sarah Palin, to remind her of all the wolves she encouraged to be slaughtered while in office.

Deacon Blue said...

Hey, I put that shirt on and Angelina Jolie AND Rosario Dawson suddenly appeared in my room to do a three-way with me. Don't knock the power of the Tri-Wolf!

Bunche said...

Oh, come on, Jim Browski! It's not like I said I believe in God or something.

Anonymous said...

Really useful blog.Good work keeping this updated! awesome tees Thanks a lot!

Ava said...

These are great tees! I love T-Shirts. The first one on the list seems like it works only with a specific look but very creative anyway.I love all of them, I laughed quite a bit reading them.

awesome tees