ANOTHER REASON TO BRING LUNCH TO WORK

It should come as a surprise to absolutely no one who lives or works in Manhattan that the cost of buying lunch on a daily basic can be exorbitant, thus precipitating many folks brown-bagging it. I usually cook stuff that I can bring in but every now and then I'm tempted to try something new, in spite of the pointlessly high prices here in Midtown. My day job is located near Grand Central Station and there are numerous places where one can find pretty much any kind of grub to suit their fancy, and my co-workers take it upon themselves to check out nearly every new place that opens up. One recent sitdown/takeout joint that won high kudos from my fellow employees at the design 'ho house is Five Guys, a hamburger joint on 3rd Avenue that makes burgers and fries that were reputed to be on par with getting one's dick sucked — well — by an in-her-prime Jenny Agutter while she looks up from her kindly-provided task and gazes at you adoringly.

24-year-old Jenny Agutter as Jessica 6 in LOGAN'S RUN (1976). You're welcome.

Needless to say, I very much doubted if any burger could live up to that kind of hyperbole, but I resolved to eventually judge for myself. That day came this afternoon, when I couldn't make up my mind as to what I wanted to have for lunch (I forgot my packed lunch at home) and wandered about the area in search of sustenance. Failing to find anything that looked good at the local Hale & Hearty soup place I looked across the street and spied Five Guys, deciding on the spot to experience their allegedly transcendent burger (no fries; too greasy and heavy).

I walked into the joint, passing a large crowd of yuppie-types as I made my way to the counter, and took a look at the menu. I decided on a plain bacon cheeseburger — just the beef, bacon and cheese, no condiments — so I could taste the sandwich and judge it by its own unadorned merits, but balked when I saw that the burger I wanted, even as relatively no-frills as I desired, was priced at $8.49, or rather $9.25 when tax was included. I mulled it over and finally decided to take the risk, plunking down my hard-earned cash before the cashier. In no time flat I received my burger in a plain paper sack, after which I made it back to my desk and commenced with the eating.

The Five Guys bacon cheeseburger, yours for a mere $9.25.

As I bit into the burger and masticated upon its artery-clogging goodness, I enjoyed its flavor to a certain extent, but the overall experience amounted to what could fairly be compared to the same item as found at any Wendy's location, only about 85% less greasy. While that's all well and good, the Wendy's version is less than half the cost of the much-vaunted Five Guys version, and the burger I had was in no way whatsoever worth paying nearly ten bucks for.

The Five Guys bacon cheeseburger, half-eaten and positioned next to a soda can for scale. This was not worth nearly ten bucks.

Considering that I was full after eating a little over half of the thing, coupled with a sense of disappointment and a profound feeling of having been ripped off, I didn't bother finishing my nearly-ten-buck burger, disinterestedly relegating what remained of it to the trash.

Oh, well. No Jenny Agutter dick-sucking analog for Yer Bunche. You live and learn, I guess...