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Wednesday, November 21, 2007


Some words of holiday advice:

1. You can survive your fucking annoying family. And if they piss you off too much, just remember that one day they will be dead.

2. Don't drink and drive, 'cause that shit's for amateurs and assholes. Stay at home to tie one on; why do you think Thanksgiving's an all-day festival of football, parades, movies, dog shows and marathons of classic TV reruns? It's a dazzling cathode ray cornucopia of stuff to keep the wasted off the streets and at home, puking, fucking and fighting right where they belong.

3. When seeing your old high school pals for what's probably the one time you'll see them all year, do not comment on how fat and/or old they look. That shit goes two ways, bunky...

4. If you must go to church during the holiday, make sure to go as hungover and reeking of booze as possible, that way next year they'll think twice before forcing you out of bed and into a place choked with incense and festooned with pictures of Jesus looking at your ass.

5. If your family gathering has a kiddie table, make sure to sit there and serve as a bad example to the next generation. Tell age-acceptable off-color jokes and stories. Teach the kids the lyrics to "The Diarrhea Song" and have them sing it loudly halfway through the meal. Introduce them to "pull my finger." In short, do your part to ensure your status as the fave older relative from the start; that way the kids won't feel so awkward in later years when they need somebody to take them to get an abortion or bail them out of jail without their parents being any the wiser. And believe me, they will pay back your "cool relative" kindness somewhere down the line.

6. Always, ALWAYS eat the turkey's tail. It's the perfect amount of dark meat, fat, and skin in one concentrated morsel and if slathered with the right amount of gravy it's a thing of joy forever (well, at least until it's digested and re-manifests itself as the next morning's enormous post-Turkey Day turd).

7. The true bombardment of Christmas-themed TV commercials commences right around Thanksgiving, so feel free to let loose with the Ribald Songbird action and desecrate the classic Yuletide tunes that have already been corrupted for TV adverts, only make them super dirty with usages of words like "cocksucker," "shit," and "pussy fart." Since you're gonna hear them a million times between now and the new year anyway, you may as well have some fun with them.

8. If you have to suffer through the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade — the Thanksgiving moment I dread most — don't try to be an asshole and bring to your aging parents' attention the fact that it's nothing more than a saccharine, three-hour commercial. They like it for the marching bands, big-assed balloons, and celebs lip-synching, and do not give a fuck about it's true purpose, so let them have their fun. And you can always have something to look forward to, namely the hope that the guy playing Santa at the end of the show will either be drunk or have a visible hard-on.

9. If you're staying at your parents' house with a significant other, try to remain as silent as possible if having sex under your folks' roof. I don't know why, but the idea of their kids having sex, even us grownup kids, seriously fucks with the heads of our progenitors. Then again, maybe you should fuck like monkeys on crack while at home...Aah, what the hell? Make 'em remember how it's done! And if they bitch about it, remind them of all the times they nagged you for grandkids and ask them if they forgot where said grandkids come from. That'll shut the geezers up in no time.

10. If the friends and loved ones you miss most can't be there this year, think of them fondly and rest assured that they're probably every bit as miserable as you are.

And with that, Happy Thanksgiving, and may the pecans in grandma's cookies actually be pecans and not roaches. (She doesn't see that well anymore, you know.)


kennypierce said...

Happy Thanksgiving to you as well Senor Bunche. Thanks for your additions to, and most of all for your friendship. Hails and horns!!! KP

Anonymous said...

Happy Thanksgiving Steve Bunche and to everyone else too!
xo Mary-Beth

Anonymous said...

Jim Browski says:

Happy T-Day to you, too Pal!

BTW- Love that shot of the turkey preparing to suck Dubya off.

Anonymous said...

Bunche, Well said. Have a great day, I'll eat some turkey butt in your honor. Ruth gives her love. Seth

Anonymous said...

There's one thing I'm thankful for this year... the fact that I just laughed my fucking ass off at this, Bunche.

Happy American Thanksgivin', ya hoser!


Liz said...

Happy Thanksgiving Steve!

Here's another bit of holiday advice:

Procreate til all the relatives stop coming over Grandma's: no more criticizing your parenting and more of the yummy food for us!!!


Anonymous said...


Happy Thanksgiving to you, my old friend. I send you strength to keep your lunch down (or lose it spectacularly in tehcnicolor) as you visit the land of our misspent youth, and breathe a huge sigh of relief that I escape WoPo at holiday time. It's one of the seldom-discussed upsides of having dead parents. As always, I praise your amazing ability to talk turkey, and have just the right advice about tail.

Give my love to Mumsie and anyone else you see whom I know back at the homestead.

Hope we see you soon. Cleo misses her Uncle Bunche.


Stopheles said...

Sadly, I'll be hosting Thanksgiving at my place with my wife and my parents-and-sister-in-law. I'm really happy that they're here, definitely -- but having none of my family there sends our pie-to-person ratio to a PALTRY 3-for-five-people.

That is an absolute atrocity, and I'm sure that my family in CT will have a ratio closer to a solid, respectable 3-pies-for-two-people.

Happy Thanksgiving to all, and make a point of trying everyone's pie -- it's the polite thing to do (and allows Bunche to make another double entendre)!

Bunche said...

"Make a point of trying everyone's pie." Sigh...

J said...

You look thin and young. But, who care anyway? It's always the same big brain in there.

Stopheles said...


See? Every once in a while, Bunche takes a break from his standard "single-entendre" modus operandi...

Nina said...

Hey Steve-O! Happy Turkey Butt Day to you too! I love the drunk Santa with a visible hard on image! Hear hear for horny holidays! Enjoy your turkey ass!
Love, Nina R-used-to-be-F

Anonymous said...

Oh, and Merry Fucking Christmas, too:

jessicago said...

Thanks, mine was great. I hope yours went much, a lot better than you even expected.

Anonymous said...

You will be happy to know that we had a rather respectable 5 pie to 6 participant ratio and that the turkey was freshly shot by yours truly out back early morning.
i also split wood. the testosterone quotiant was off the charts and santa did have a trouser tent.
he must have been feeding off of our vibe. i gotta go, there's some welding to do out in the yard and after that i gotta sit around with my hand down my pants watching red sox re-runs on NESN (new england sports network). if it gets any more manly over here, i may have to go put on overalls and a buffalo check shirt and wrangle some doggies on horseback while chewing plug tobacco and jump starting a '23 studebaker.
-big mike