Search This Blog

Sunday, December 07, 2008

JURASSIC PORK: THE MAGIC OF "PTERODACTYL PORN"

My old pal Rhymin’ Jay alerted me to this one, and frankly I’m surprised that none of my other friends among the porn cognoscenti had encountered it.

In recent years I’ve noticed that many of us who are still interested in porn aren’t into it for “self-help” purposes, but rather for the frisson of seeing some weird and twisted shit, and thankfully for those of us too jaded to find much of interest in stuff like ANAL HOUSEWIVES PART 17 or THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF PINOCCHIO the internet has opened up an alternate universe of literally balls-out crazy material that proves the long-held theory that if you can conceive of it, some other fucker has made a dirty movie about it. It would not surprise me one bit if somewhere there exists footage of a four-hundred-pound woman with a glued-on Moses beard and a shepherd’s crook squatting and extruding from her nether bits a kid’s bathtub toy of Noah’s ark, complete with paired-up animals, spat out two-by-two and glazed with Bartholin’s gland fluid, all while the stirring score to THE TEN COMMANDMENTS plays on the soundtrack, so I’m kind of shocked that I’m as surprised as I am at the existence of a clip identified as “Pterodactyl Porn.”

Apparently this masterpiece of JURASSIC PARK-meets- CO-EDS WITH RAVENOUS HOLES tenderloin entertainment has been making the rounds on the web for some time, and when it comes to tarting-up the old in-out-in-out I believe it deserves some kind of recognition for its thoroughly novel and completely ridiculous imagery.

A true "What the fuck?!!?" moment if ever I saw one.

The clip can be found on several sites (just Google “Pterodactyl Porn” and you’ll be presented with dozens of links), and features about two minutes of a cute blonde getting railed in the cowgirl position by a supine gentleman in a full-body winged dinosaur outfit. As our pornographic paleontologist pogoes on this raunchy Rodan, the talented actress performs some trained seal action on two more prehistoric avian life forms located on either side of her, a sight made even more hilarious by the addition of a puppet baby dino that looks at the action before turning to the audience and squawking up a storm.

None of this is erotic in the least and for the life of me I cannot figure out what audience it was intended for, but I’m delighted that it exists. It’s kind of like some weird piece of performance art or an explicit interpretation of one of H.P. Lovecraft’s couplings between a human female and some of “the Old Ones,” only this time being pleasurable for all involved. But the thing that pleases me most about this is that the dinosaur suits and puppet are actually quite good and would have passed muster in any given episode of LAND OF THE LOST (either version), although the naming of the dinosaurs in question is in error; the critters depicted are Pteranodons, not Pterodactyls. A common error, but if you can’t trust the makers of pornography to be paleontologically accurate, then who can you trust?

My only complaint about this clip’s Internet ubiquity is that none of the research I’ve done has yielded the one piece of info I would truly love to have, specifically the name of the stick-vid it’s originally from. In my quest to unearth the name I referred my question to an old friend who’s involved in the professional makeup FX biz and he had no idea, adding “No one I know would admit to doing it,” so I’m back to square one. If any of you out there can tell me where this comes from I will be most appreciative and track the film down so it can get the proper review treatment such an effort deserves.

3 comments:

Satyrblade said...

So THAT'S what mahars get up to "at the Earth's core."

Jim Browski said...

It is actually a deleted scene from Jurassic Park. The blonde girl is none other than Laura Dern. Steven Spielberg deleted the scene because he was afraid it might affect the film's rating. The scene can be viewed as an Easter Egg in the upcoming 15th Anniversary Edition of Jurassic Park.

Dave said...

Hi, if you are still interested in what movie that scene comes from, it's the second episode from 'Perverted Stories 34' from Jim Powers/JM Productions. The episode is named 'Attack of the flying lizard' and features Ashley Long as the starring blonde.