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Sunday, May 16, 2010

SUNDAY'S PORN DAY!

It's Sunday once again, so to offer an alternative to all the religious boredom and MEET THE PRESS stuff that would otherwise take up your day, here's a look at the weeks' most interesting offerings in tenderloin cinema.

For whatever unknown reason, it seems like the last two years has seen an avalanche of porn parodies of movies, TV shows, video games and damned near everything else one could think of, but never in a million years would I have anticipated a dirty version of the Coen brothers' 1998 cult classic THE BIG LEBOWSKI, imaginatively titled THE BIG LEBOWSKI-A XXX PARODY.

Not only that, it stars none other then Tom Byron, a porn mainstay for just shy of three decades whose baby face found him frequently cast in horny teen roles (he was of legal age), and whose erect member resembles a long and skinny Sabrett hot dog. (My pal Greaseball Johnny and I refer to the franks we grill at cookouts as "Tom Byrons" and people stare at us in confusion as we giggle like eight-year-olds.) Here's what the product description states:

From New Sensations, the studio that brought you the AVN Award winning Sex-Comedy, 30 Rock: A XXX Parody, cums a spoof of one of the Biggest cult films of all time - THE BIG LEBOWSKI: A XXX PARODY! IT IS A XXX Parody that dares to bring the world a dirty spoof that is better than good and thorough. It is Great AND thorough! When some horny thugs almost drown Jeffrey Lebowski in his own toilet and leave some splooge on his new VHS Porn tapes (the tapes that really tied his porn collection together), it sets off a Sexy AND Funny chain of events. You will Absolutely get to see coitus, in AND out, the physical act of love, fuckin' A, and some Orgasm-achieving from one of the Biggest Lebowski's you have ever seen! What will happen in THE BIG LEBOWSKI: A XXX PARODY? Will you finally get to witness the true version of Logjammin', hardcore, the way it was meant to be seen? Will you get to see this horny Dude get his Gutterballs drained? Will the Dude accept Bunny's offer of Oral Coitus? Will Brandt watch? And will that Cable Repairman finally fix the cable? A resounding YES is the answer to these and other questions in New Sensations' THE BIG LEBOWSKI: A XXX PARODY!

The superhero genre has provided fodder for porn since as far back as the Golden Age of comics (roughly 1938, the year when Superman first saw print, and the late 1940's). Think about it: hunky he-men in tight-fitting outfits rescuing heaving-chested, often scantily-clad women from peril. How is that not the perfect setup for uglies-to-uglies shenanigans? As a convenient case in point, I have a collection of Tijuana Bibles — those old, illegal ultra-filthy and, more often than not, poorly-drawn handmade comics from back in the days — that features a story where a comics-loving little girl wishes herself into the world of comics, with the help of her Fairy Godfather, and immediately witnesses hardcore couplings featuring some of the heroes of the era. We're talking Superman "slipping the prick" to Lois Lane (significantly while he's still in full costume), aerodynamically-helmeted Bulletman and Bulletgirl, Captain Marvel and sister Mary Marvel in the throes of passionate (and badly-drawn) incest, Captain America and a fleeing female murderer — when apprehended, she exclaims, "Please don't take me to jail! I didn't mean to kill those 20 people!" to which Cap retorts, "I don't want to take you to jail. I've had a big hard-on all week and I just want fuckin'!" — and, most memorably, a graphic queer encounter between — you guessed it — Batman and Robin. The Batman sequence features a bit of dialogue that kills me every time I see it, specifically Batman's utterance as Robin chows down on his engorged cock: "I wish the artist of this comic would create a Batgirl so we wouldn't have to do this!" to which Robin, with cock in mouth, adds, "Me too!" What's most disturbing about this is that the little girl is disappointed when her heroes would rather fuck grown women than chat with her, so she has her fairy godfather transform her into a buxom, full-grown woman who gets it on with the magical figure because his cock "is so much nicer than all the others." As the old fairy "crashes the yogurt truck," Anna May exclaims she regrets that she only has one fuck to give to her fairy godfather, at which point she once more becomes a kid and returns to the real world. Which is very roundabout way of explaining that the gene-splicing of superheroes and porn is in no way a recent phenomenon. That said, here comes PORNSTAR SUPERHEROES!!!

I took one look at the box art for this one and immediately ordered it. First of all, we get the stunning Tori Black — who is also playing the Julie Newmar version of Catwoman in the upcoming BATMAN XXX — as what appears to be a knockoff of the Black Widow (which automatically made it a must for this lifelong Natasha Romanoff fan), and then we have the sultry Asa Akira as what appears to be a nod to KILL BILL VOL. 1's Go-Go Yubari. I have no fucking clue as to who the hell the Lower East Side escapee with the shotgun is meant to be, but I find not one goddamned thing wrong with this. I just hope there's some kind of scene where the not-Black Widow gets it on with not-Daredevil! Here's the ad copy:

Elegant Angel proudly presents "Pornstar Superheroes" an epic 2-disc set feature production starring Kristina Rose, Asa Akira, Sadie West and Tori Black. Featuring action sequences, a story line, and hardcore sex. Do not miss this one of a kind production. Also including a host of DVD extras including 4 featurettes and 4 bonus scenes.

I find it highly amusing that the fact that there's a storyline is a selling point. Then again, that's more than I can say for many current Marvel and DC Comics currently running...

3 comments:

Mindlesskirby said...

I think the girl on the left might be the crack whore from Crank 2 even though she's not a superhero

Bunche said...

I made it through the first portion of this disc, in which Tori Black plays "The Silhouette," and was too exhausted to watch the rest of it yet.

Kevie said...

Too exhausted, aye.