The new FRIDAY THE 13TH movie opened today and surprised absolutely no one by garnering almost universally scathing reviews (although, in a shocking move, the New York Times accepted it for the carnage-fest that it is, said it's not bad for one of its ilk and actually kinda recommended it). But if I know audiences — and I'd say it's a safe bet that I do — the flick will make a shitload of cash at the box office anyway, thanks to it being one the increasingly rare R-rated horror offerings out there and it being a FRIDAY THE 13TH movie, a series that has remained a moneymaker despite nearly all of the ten films (and one team-up flick, FREDDY VS. JASON) in the series sucking harder than your grandmother during Fleet Week. But once it's time for the sequel factory to inevitably once more open its doors, where are the filmmakers going to go with our favorite indestructible, hockey mask-wearing killing machine, Jason Voorhees? My money's on the filmmakers not even making the slightest attempt to add anything new or different to a series that's pretty much the franchise embodiment of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it," but the way I look at it it couldn't possibly hurt to take a series that's totally fucking brain dead and idiotic in the first place and take it over the top into territory that's completely ludicrous, extra-stupid and guaranteed to put asses in seats and actually give the viewers something worth paying their hard-earned cash to see.
So how would Yer Bunche approach a FRIDAY THE 13TH overhaul? Well, let's start with the basics:
- In my hands Jason himself would remain basically unchanged and unchanging. He's the perfect faceless, inscrutable bogeyman for the American culture and should remain the personification of an unstoppable force of death and destruction.
- Since nearly every horror flick these days ends up in an "unrated" version on DVD, I say make whatever new films get made as insanely loaded with nudity, violence and gore as humanly possible and not give a fuck about what the MPAA will trim. Let the theatrical version be somewhat neutered; the flick will more than likely make a decent bit of change during its initial theatrical release, and once that's played domestically the DVD with all the good stuff will be gobbled up by fans of the genre on a perpetual basis.
FRIDAY THE 13TH & THE CITY (not to be confused with FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII-JASON TAKES MANHATTAN)
To make this one work you'd have to keep the actual plot under wraps until the last possible minute and only allow the advertising to focus on the usual FRIDAY THE 13TH tropes. This would open with a titles sequence parodying SEX & THE CITY, only with the film's name written in that girly style, and roughly the first twenty minutes or so would be the most intentionally annoying sendup of Manhattan-based chick flicks that would be guaranteed to fill the FRIDAY THE 13TH series' loyal followers with ire. Loads of designer dresses, shallow characters getting wasted and fucking their brains out, exactly the kind of thing you'd see in an episode of SEX & THE CITY...and (minus the designer dresses) in a FRIDAY THE 13TH movie. Kinda weird when you think about that parallel, no? The big difference being that on that horrible TV show Jason doesn't show up and graphically disembowel Carrie and the rest of the irritating cast, an error that will be rectified in spades here. With no explanation whatsoever, Jason would suddenly emerge from the 72nd Street and Broadway subway station (presumably having taken the 2 train to get there) and embark on his quest for carnage, first massacring as many obnoxious New York types as possible while making his way toward Central Park, among whom would be a pair of lovers riding in a horse-drawn carriage. In the course of that kill, Jason would disembowel the driver as well and when the spooked horse reared up in terror, Jason would cut off its head (which would fly off and land in the lap of a stoner who was sitting next to the park's entrance). The rest of the film would have Jason getting uselessly shot at by the NYPD, futilely attacked by the Guardian Angels and Curtis Sliwa — whose head would be torn off and unceremoniously shoved up his ass — and killing off the SEX & THE CITY gang and their assorted boy-toys one by one — including a spectacular beheading during a cheesy Broadway revival of FLOWER DRUM SONG, in which Jason tears off the Samantha stand-in's head and dropkicks it onto the stage during the "I Enjoy Being A Girl" number — until only the horse-faced Carrie stand-in (as played by a Sarah Jessica Parker lookalike, preferably a drag queen) remained. As Jason chases her through the eerie confines of Central Park after midnight, dismembering a few would-be muggers along the way, Carrie eventually attempts to take shelter beneath an underpass. As Jason approaches, Carrie's voice suddenly deepens, Mercedes McCambridge-style, and she announces that she is now the host of Konabos, one of the fire-breathing horses of Ares, the Greek god of war, and he is offended at the murder of that innocent horse who drew that cart a few scenes back.
The horse-faced Carrie now emerges from the shadows with flames billowing from her mouth as she speaks and her eyes ablaze with an inhuman glow, then she pulls off her face like a cheap rubber Halloween mask and reveals the head of a horse with a mane of fire. From that point on the flick is a no-holds-barred battle to the death between possessed horse-face and Jason, culminating in Jason's flaming carcass ending up in the Hudson River (the fight obviously covers some small bit of distance). As the ludicrous-looking woman with a burning horse head gazes into the river to make sure it's all over, a machete erupts from below the water's surface like a Polaris missile from a submarine, spinning as it flies and spewily bisecting the horse head upon contact. As Konabos falls to the sidewalk, really and sincerely dead, Jason's hulking form strides up from the water and up onto the rotting timbers of the pier, slowly advancing until one of the eye holes on his hockey mask engulfs the camera. THE END.
JASON VS. JACKASS
Johnny Knoxville and the entire JACKASS crew decide to film a brand new movie, so they grab a bunch of "Girls Gone Wild" types and have a sex-and-booze-laden pre-shooting party up at the deserted Camp Crystal Lake. During the party things get totally loose and Johnny cements the crew's fate by drunkenly mocking the legend of Jason Voorhees, referring to Jason as "that hockey-mask-wearing momma's boy pussy," which causes the buried body of Jason to disinter itself and follow the lads and ladies throughout the film, interrupting the various insane scenarios the gang has dreamed up for use in the movie and turning them deadly. For instance:
- Wee Man, dressed in full Third Reich regalia, attempts to jump Old Faithful, only to have Jason pop up as the jump is underway and grab the stunned dwarf, holding his frenzied body over the famed geyser as Jason maneuvers the poor bastard's head into its stream, blasting off Wee Man's face and eyeballs.
- In one of those bits where Bam Margera torments his obese father, this time we see Bam's dad once more on the bowl and grunting out a brown snake as his son smashes through the ceiling in a Little Lord Fauntleroy costume — complete with enormous lollipop — and begins to beat his old man with a two-foot blue jelly dildo (with realistic veins). As the helpless and fat dad attempts to protect himself, Jason, his head crowned with an impressive turd, erupts from the toilet, launching from between Bam's dad's legs, and uses the lollipop to crush Bam's skull. Upon witnessing this horror, Bam's dad immediately has a coronary, falls off the bowl, lets out the nastiest fart in screen history and expires as he mimics Marlon Brando's "The horror...The horror..." from APOCALYPSE NOW.
- Steve-O would take a shot at sucking six ounces of pureed Jabanero peppers up his nose, but Jason would knock aside the spicy veggie goo and replace it with the same amount of highly-caustic drain cleaner, forcing Steve-O to snort it and outdo the famous drain cleaner scene from MOTHERS' DAY (1980), complete with nauseating facial-melting.
JASON UNLIMITED-Playing into the whole "sorcerers among us" thing popularized by Harry Potter and THE CRAFT, this one would feature a high school-aged suburban warlock (who looks not unlike the bespectacled creation of a certain J.K. Rowling) summoning Jason and placing him under his control with one goal in mind: sending Jason on a time-traveling mission to wipe out various assholes throughout history, just to see if he has enough magical juice to do it. Jumping all over time without a trace of rhyme or reason, Jason ends up gorily battling Vlad the Impaler
— who of course turns out to be a powerful vampire — , Adolf Hitler
(whom he ends up stuffing headfirst into a 1000-degree oven and we get to see Der Fuhrer roast like an especially fatty hamburger on a grill), Captain Ahab
(we learn what really happened to his leg), Julius Caesar (as he lies dying, Caesar would look up and bloodily croak, "Et tu, Jason?") and at least seven or eight more thrown in for idiotic measure. Part of the fun would be achieving the period costumes and locations on the lowest budget possible, thus heightening the stupidity and lending the proceedings the air of a junior high school production (aka the look and feel of most FRIDAY THE 13TH movies). But when Jason finally makes his way back to the present, he confronts the young mage who enslaved him and savagely wounds the lad. As the boy's life fades away, he gets in one last sorcerous bit of business and propels Jason through time once more, this time sending him to face the one person who could give him the most righteous of ass-kickings. A visibly confused Jason hurtles through a time portal and falls from the sky to crash land in a barren desert environment. As he dusts himself off, we realize we're at Golgotha and witnessing the crucifixion of Christ.
Jesus mournfully looks up to the heavens and says, "Forgive them , father, for they know not...WHAT THE FUCK?!!?" thus providing the actual line that has been understandably misquoted ever since. That phrase is uttered when Jesus sees Jason randomly killing shepherds, the Apostles, Roman soldiers and even Pontius Pilate, and since Jesus is almighty and omniscient he knows how the story's supposed to play out and therefore can't allow Jason's rampage to go unchecked. Jesus calls to Mary Magdelene for a can of spinach, which she cracks open and launches the leafy veggies into the Savior's mouth. As Jesus chews, a familiar sea shanty-styled tune is heard on the soundtrack and he is suddenly infused with great strength that causes his muscles to bulge to Conan-like proportions and suddenly adorn each bicep with a tattoo (one reading "MOM" below a crude portrait of the Blessed Virgin and the other sporting a drawing of an anchor). Feeling no pain whatsoever, Jesus rips himself free of the nails driven through his hands and feet, drops to the ground and lets out a battle cry as he is suffused with streaming light from on high. Jason turns in time to see Jesus wind up and unleash with a wave of energy like a character in a martial arts video game — Japanese language announcement of the particular move to be decided — and as Jason is sent flying the length of a football field, Jesus uproots the very crucifix he was nailed to and comes at Jason, swinging it like a club. The ensuing fight is mind-boggling, demolishing the nearby city and killing nearly all who get in the way (but it's all good because the people all get resurrected), but when all is said and done it's a given that Jesus wins, blasting Jason to ashes with a heavenly raygun that looks a lot like a phaser rifle from STAR TREK (the original series). When the smoke finally clears, Jesus walks over to make certain that Jason is well and truly vanquished, discovering that all that remains of the crazed juggernaut is his smoldering hockey mask. Jesus picks up the mask and, without warning, presses its searing surface to his face, bonding it to his head just below the crown of thorns. He stands there for a moment, blood-soaked and a little wobbly, but then he leans down and picks up a Roman soldier's sword and starts hacking. As the resurrected flee in fear, the hockey-masked Jesus/Jason ("Jeson?") runs at the camera and the images freezes as we hear the familiar "kih-kih-kih/mah-mah-mah" on the the soundtrack. The screen goes black and the credits roll as a stirring rendition of "What A Friend We Have In Jesus" is played by Cannibal Corpse. THE END.
Now, tell me honestly. Don't any one of those sound a hundred times better than just another plain old stalk-and-slash of boring teenagers?
(Pause for the reading audience to boo and hiss)
Oh, yeah? Well why don't you write in if you've got a better idea, wise guy?