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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

HAVING FUN WHILE DOING INANE SHIT

I've done some pretty inane shit here at the design 'ho house, but one of today's assignments involved writing the text for a bunch of fake arts listings for a proposed database in Ridgefield, Connecticut. I was asked to simply create a dummy list — something that the person working on the database could have done, but fobbed off on me with the excuse, "I suck at writing, so I need you to handle this" — and the only guideline was that it had to represent different arts and the possible people/studios that one could contact. Realizing immediately that this would be some dull-assed shit, I decided to write a bunch of silly drivel that the clients probably won't bother to read anyway, and here's what I came up with, and remember to use Google if you don't get the gags:

ARTISTS

Elizabeth Bathory-experimental painter
Rates: call with inquiry
Studio: Sanguinary Solutions
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: arterialspraycanbefun.com

Eccentrica Gallumpits-nude portraiture and still life painting
Rates: negotiable per course of study; please call for info
Studio: Voluptuary Visuals
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: eroticonvi@intergalacticecdysiast.net

Mustafah Kikbooti-Afrocentric sculpture, poetry, printing
Rates: negotiable, but cold, hard cash up front, no checks.
Studio: Upraised Fist of the People’s Revolution Productions
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: natandtinaturner.com

COOKING

Albert Fish-specialist in stews and roasts
Rates: $80 per hour (But I’m worth it!)
Studio: Kettle O’ Fish Culinary Classroom
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: ediblekiddibles.com

Vermin As Victuals-turning roadkill into delicious taste treats!
Rates: $120 for ten-week course (shovel not included)
Location: the dumpster behind the A & P, Route 1
Phone: N/A; go to dumpster and yell, “Hey, Possum Face!”
Email: see above

Chard Explosion-All you’ll ever need to know about chard!
Rates: $20 one-year comprehensive instruction. A bargain!
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: whoeatsthiscrud.net

Ipecac Can Be Fun!-a new spin on an old emetic favorite!
Rates: $30 per hour; bottle of Regan McNeil’s “Devilish Greenie” provided
Phone: (203) 555-5555, or use OUIJA board; ask for captain Howdy
Email: talkingtoralphonthebigwhitephone.org

DANCE INSTRUCTION

Peg Leg Pete’s Pirate Pirouette Palace-ballet instruction for buccaneers, brigands, and bully-boys!
Rates: $100 per week, or a purse of dubloons (Spanish only)
Phone: N/A; hoist the Jolly Roger and we’ll keep our eyes open
Email: yohohoandadancebelt.net

Nunzio’s Disco Oasis
$20 to get in, and it’s up to you to do the dancin’, capisce?
Phone: Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: shakeshakeshakeyerbooty.org

Seamus O’Leprechaun’s Riverdance Pub
Rates: $60 per hour, green curly shoes not included
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: tirnanog.com

MUSICAL INSTRUCTION

LePetomaine’s Wind Orchestra
Rates: seasonal prices; call to confirm
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: themusicalfruit.com

Brainless Hair-Metal Apocalypse-We’ve got riffs for days!!!
Rates: it’s not about the money, dude; It’s about the Metal!!
Phone: (203) 666-6666
Email: yngwiefrigginrulesdude.org

The Kazoo Consortium-in fervent service to the muse of wax paper
Rates: $5 per hour
Phone: (203) 555-5555; ask for Kenny
Email: bzzzzzzrrrbbbt.net

The GG Allin Memorial Conservatory
Rates: $200 per hour, or a fifth of Jim Beam
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: N/A

THEATER STUDIES

The Chad X. Budidowitz Method-now YOU can learn the techniques that made Chad X. Budidowitz a household name!
Rates: $675 per hour; not cheap, but look how it worked out for DeNiro.
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: chadxbudidowitz.org

Life’s Too Short: The Dwarf Theater Troop
Rates: $200 per week; must bring own elf outfit
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: itsasmallworld.net

Shakespeare Sock Puppet Workshop
Rates: $60 per week, must wash own sock puppets after production of “Titus Andronicus”
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: outoutdamnedsock.com

Now let's see how soon it is until I get fired!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Jim Browski says:



"The Chad X. Budidowitz Method"

It's nice to see Joe's kid brother making good in this crazy world!