HAVING FUN WHILE DOING INANE SHIT

I've done some pretty inane shit here at the design 'ho house, but one of today's assignments involved writing the text for a bunch of fake arts listings for a proposed database in Ridgefield, Connecticut. I was asked to simply create a dummy list — something that the person working on the database could have done, but fobbed off on me with the excuse, "I suck at writing, so I need you to handle this" — and the only guideline was that it had to represent different arts and the possible people/studios that one could contact. Realizing immediately that this would be some dull-assed shit, I decided to write a bunch of silly drivel that the clients probably won't bother to read anyway, and here's what I came up with, and remember to use Google if you don't get the gags:

ARTISTS

Elizabeth Bathory-experimental painter
Rates: call with inquiry
Studio: Sanguinary Solutions
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: arterialspraycanbefun.com

Eccentrica Gallumpits-nude portraiture and still life painting
Rates: negotiable per course of study; please call for info
Studio: Voluptuary Visuals
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: eroticonvi@intergalacticecdysiast.net

Mustafah Kikbooti-Afrocentric sculpture, poetry, printing
Rates: negotiable, but cold, hard cash up front, no checks.
Studio: Upraised Fist of the People’s Revolution Productions
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: natandtinaturner.com

COOKING

Albert Fish-specialist in stews and roasts
Rates: $80 per hour (But I’m worth it!)
Studio: Kettle O’ Fish Culinary Classroom
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: ediblekiddibles.com

Vermin As Victuals-turning roadkill into delicious taste treats!
Rates: $120 for ten-week course (shovel not included)
Location: the dumpster behind the A & P, Route 1
Phone: N/A; go to dumpster and yell, “Hey, Possum Face!”
Email: see above

Chard Explosion-All you’ll ever need to know about chard!
Rates: $20 one-year comprehensive instruction. A bargain!
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: whoeatsthiscrud.net

Ipecac Can Be Fun!-a new spin on an old emetic favorite!
Rates: $30 per hour; bottle of Regan McNeil’s “Devilish Greenie” provided
Phone: (203) 555-5555, or use OUIJA board; ask for captain Howdy
Email: talkingtoralphonthebigwhitephone.org

DANCE INSTRUCTION

Peg Leg Pete’s Pirate Pirouette Palace-ballet instruction for buccaneers, brigands, and bully-boys!
Rates: $100 per week, or a purse of dubloons (Spanish only)
Phone: N/A; hoist the Jolly Roger and we’ll keep our eyes open
Email: yohohoandadancebelt.net

Nunzio’s Disco Oasis
$20 to get in, and it’s up to you to do the dancin’, capisce?
Phone: Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: shakeshakeshakeyerbooty.org

Seamus O’Leprechaun’s Riverdance Pub
Rates: $60 per hour, green curly shoes not included
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: tirnanog.com

MUSICAL INSTRUCTION

LePetomaine’s Wind Orchestra
Rates: seasonal prices; call to confirm
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: themusicalfruit.com

Brainless Hair-Metal Apocalypse-We’ve got riffs for days!!!
Rates: it’s not about the money, dude; It’s about the Metal!!
Phone: (203) 666-6666
Email: yngwiefrigginrulesdude.org

The Kazoo Consortium-in fervent service to the muse of wax paper
Rates: $5 per hour
Phone: (203) 555-5555; ask for Kenny
Email: bzzzzzzrrrbbbt.net

The GG Allin Memorial Conservatory
Rates: $200 per hour, or a fifth of Jim Beam
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: N/A

THEATER STUDIES

The Chad X. Budidowitz Method-now YOU can learn the techniques that made Chad X. Budidowitz a household name!
Rates: $675 per hour; not cheap, but look how it worked out for DeNiro.
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: chadxbudidowitz.org

Life’s Too Short: The Dwarf Theater Troop
Rates: $200 per week; must bring own elf outfit
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: itsasmallworld.net

Shakespeare Sock Puppet Workshop
Rates: $60 per week, must wash own sock puppets after production of “Titus Andronicus”
Phone: (203) 555-5555
Email: outoutdamnedsock.com

Now let's see how soon it is until I get fired!