Search This Blog

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!-KEANU REEVES...AS KLAATU?!!?

"I came to Earth to save you from yourselves, and this is what I get? Thanks a fuckload, douchebags!!!"

One of the greatest science fiction films ever made, THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (1951), is about to be remade (read "desecrated"), proving once again that Hollywood has apparently run out of ideas and/or doesn't know when to leave well enough alone. And as if remaking one of the bona fide classics of the genre wasn't bad enough the casting for the thoughtful and benevolent extraterrestrial, Klaatu, could not possibly be worse. The character was soft-spoken yet firm in intent, classy, and genuinely likable in his thankless task of preventing humankind from wiping itself — and potentially spreading the madness off-planet — and Michael Rennie's portrayal of him ranks among the five most awesome alien visitors ever.

He came from outer space to save the human race: Michael Rennie as the wondrous Klaatu.

So why, WHY the fuck would you cast eternal burnout archetype Keanu "Whoa, Dude!" Reeves in this role???

Reeves can be entertaining as hell, but he sure as shit isn't a good actor; here's a rundown of Keanu's greatest hits:

BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA (1992)

"Whoa, dude! You're, like, a vampire!"

POINT BREAK (1991)

"Whoa, dude! I'm like, in the FBI, or something!"

SPEED (1994)

"Whoa, dude! This bus is, like, going wicked fast!"

THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATE (1997)

Whoa, dude! My dad's, like, the Devil and Michael Corleone, or something!"

JOHNNY MNEMONIC (1995)

"Whoa, dude! There's, like, something in my skull!"

BABES IN TOYLAND (1986)

"Whoa, dude! I'm, like, in Toyland! Bogus!"

THE MATRIX (1999)

"Whoa! I know kung fu!"

And this is to whom the part of Klaatu has been assigned. Plus you just know there will be lots of action scenes and the robot, Gort, blowing shit up in orgiastic displays of the pyrotechnician's craft. Oy gevalt...

Klaatu waves goodbye to his own cinematic legacy.

4 comments:

rhjuliano said...

Steve,

Please, for all that's holy, *_PLEASE_* say that you are playing some twisted joke.

the crassness of hollywood never ceases to amaze and disgust me...

Bob

rhjuliano said...

please tell me this is a horrible, twisted joke...

please.

TDTESS was, and is still, one of my favorite movies.

Christ on a harley, I built models of the saucer!

Another reason not to quit drinking...

Bob

Bobby the Blue Baxojayz said...

Thank God! I thought I was going crazy being the only one can't take Keeanu Reeves seriously. I can't watch him in anything. Now it looks like I won't be able to see this movie either. DAMN HIM!

And i built a model of the saucer too! Double damn!

Anonymous said...

I would just like to point out that keanu also played a gay hooker in the Whoa dude, i almost forgot i played a gay male hooker in "my own private idaho".
dude.
like.
dude...
-Bigmike