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Friday, June 29, 2007

EXCLUSIVE!!! EARLY TRANSFORMERS REVIEW


Let me state up front that I have absolutely never liked the Transformers because I always felt that they and others of the early-1980's wave of animated heroes such as He-Man and the G.I. Joe gang were toys whose TV shows served as nothing more than half hour commercials, to say nothing of the fact that the shows themselves were uniformly cheap-looking and, in my opinion, not worth the effort of turning on the TV set to watch. I was also of high school age when that ball got rolling, so I have no childhood memories or fondness that relate to any of them, unlike the target audience for the film, mostly a bunch of thirty-somethings for whom it holds the same resonance as stuff like SPEED RACER, THUNDERBIRDS, and ULTRAMAN hold for my forty-two-year-old ass. That said, the upcoming big-screen feature about the "robots in disguise" has been eagerly awaited by many despite the toxic presence of director/producer Michael Bay, the criminal mastermind behind ARMAGEDDON, PEARL HARBOR, and BAD BOYS II, all movies that made me want to stick my dick into an ocillating fan.

Anyway, one of my favorite people who frequents the barbecue joint, Big Mikey, just sent me the following early review, so if you are of a like mind then take his recommendation. If not, come and join Old Man Bunche and suck a lemon. Here's Mikey's two cent's worth:

Bunche, I just saw a prescreening of TRANSFORMERS and I humbly submit this unsolicited report of my viewing of said feature. There are plot details and possible spoilers. But you know I love ya Bunche. Perhaps our opinions will differ in the end as they seem to have been wont to do about film from time to time, but I had a great time at this flick and it was the mindless action flick I have been craving for some time!

- your portly brother in bear love,

Mikey

Let me dispense first with the minor details I have heard people bitching about:
A: Optimus Prime's voice is the same guy from the TV show- BADFUCKINGASS!
B: Yes Optimus Prime has lips, but during battle his traditional face shield is in place- BADFUCKINGASS!
C: Soundwave is not an iPod, but a boombox (more on this later).
D: yes, Prime does go samurai with his fricking sword- BADFUCKINGASS!
E: Yes, they kept the transforming noise-BADFUCKINGASS!

Okay, so “Spike” (I forget his name already, Pete or Pat or something) is the decendent of legendary arctic explorer Admiral Archibald Wicwicky (or something Polish). who makes a discovery in the arctic and goes nuts. Something is hacking the military networks. Spike gets his first car, a rusted out yellow Camaro (a "bitchin’ Camaro?" Anyone , anyone, Dead Milkmen??). Guess who that is. Spike also is the proud owner of a Chihuahua with a broken leg named Mojo, who requires a daily dose of painkillers (interestingly enough made mention of several times in the movie). Spike = dork. But cool dork. Like me. But better looking and obviously not a dork in real life cuz he’s a movie star. Spike wants hot girl. Hot girl is mechanically inclined, though this is not overused and clich├ęd out, just made mention of.
CUBE.
CUBE make WAR!
WAR FROM SPACE!
Well, not the cube, but Megatron with the cube’s power.
STUFF BLOWS UP!
BLOWS UP GOOD!!!!
MILLIONS OF DOLLARS OF STUFF BLOWING UP.
BIG ROBOTS BLOWING UP MORE STUFF.
George W. is an idiot who likes Ring-Dings.
Transformers are hard to hide in back yard without parents noticing.
John Turturo is an asshole from the Men in Black.

WARNING!!! SPOILERS!!! Skip a few lines.

Bumblebee pisses on Turturo-BADFUCKINGASS!
That’s all you need to know about the plot.

The last 45 minutes of the movie is army, Autobots and Decepticons destroying a city in awesome, ass shaking detail. Flaming cars flying everywhere, buildings being shattered, a jet plane flying through an office building and bringing all the desks and crap out the other side along with it. People screaming.

GIANT FRICKING ROBOTS!!!!!!!!

Soundwave (not actually mentioned by name as Soundwave) is the annoying fast-paced hacker alien, and he does transform into a boombox.

So I know you didn’t go to this movie based on a toy line and cartoon show expecting Cinema verite, straight from the well-plumbed depths of the arthouse’s butthole, so I can safely say that you will not be disappointed because the action, and CGI, and crap blowing all to hell is first rate and way beyond my expectations. The Transformers are well done, and my only real complaint about that type of issue is that Megatron does not actually transform into a gun, but he does form a huge gun out of his arms while fighting Optimus at one point, and he transforms into a spaceship/airplane thing. And he’s only in about 25 minutes of the actual movie. I like that. And also, Star Scream is a failure in this one too. Sweet.

Listen, get drunk on Red Bull and vodka, put up with the slight overuse of the shaky camera angles used mostly to hide the CGI (and mostly well done) and put you into the action, and go see this one ready to have a badass time, and get amped up, because even if the non-action scenes are a crappy afterthought it doesn’t matter. The rest of it is action like I’ve missed from the '80’s. And Optimus decapitates a giant fucking robot with his giant badass samurai sword… (the elipsis is here to let you soak in the absolute venerating grandeur of the previous statement) suck on that one whoever it was that cut the swearing out of DIE HARD 4.
-Big Mikey

3 comments:

Harry Candelario said...

Speed Racer, Marineboy, Gigantor. yup my youth too. About Transformers... I wonder if Chi is spinning in his grave even though he's not dead yet?

shades033 said...

I'm convinced there's a great divide between guys over 40 and those under 40 in that those over 40 such as you, me and a couple of my friends, never really got into Transformers, because they were introduced when we were in our late teens and already moving onto other things. I think guys who were younger than 17 when they were introduced probably ended up getting into the toys and then the cartoons and are more likely to be life-long fans. I think that's one of the reasons why I wasn't that into the movie even though it's a fun action flick. Can't wait to read your review.

Ryan said...

The silver GPX boombox was NOT Soundwave. In fact Soundwave never made an appearance in this movie nor was he ever called as Soundwave, so it's odd to think of him as such. Soundwave being such an significant character, like Starscream, would never have been portrayed as this sort of infiltrator.
That hackerbot was Frenzy, who in the cartoons/toys was one of Soundwave's humanoid form cassettes, the other one being Rumble. Soundwave and his other agents would have to wait until the next movie to make their appearances.