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Friday, August 22, 2008


Jesus H. Christ. I reiterate: JESUS H. CHRIST!!!

When I first saw Leila Arcieri I swear I thought I must have been hallucinating. There was simply no fucking way that a human female could have been so crash-into-a-brick-wall, drop dead gorgeous. No way whatsoever, yet there she was and I and many millions of folks became admirers on the spot.

God Day-um!!!

What's that? You never heard of Leila Arcieri? She's from California (born 1973) and is the daughter of an American-born Italian father and an American black mother, and as far as I'm concerned she looks like she could have risen fully formed from the ocean, demurely naked and riding a giant clam shell.

I can certainly picture it. Can't you?

No joke, I've considered her maybe the most beautiful woman on the planet (Monica Bellucci coming in at a very close second; god help me, I love my Italian chicks) since I first saw her some eight years ago on the tastelessly hilarious BAYWATCH parody TV series SON OF THE BEACH, where she played the outrageously (intentionally) stereotypical token black character, "Jamaica St. Croix."

Jamaica St. Croix, making Malibu Adjacent safe for puerile gags and bikini-clad spank-fantasies.

Jamaica was a lifeguard who spoke almost entirely in Ebonics and was never seen not wearing either a bikini or a ludicrously skimpy and hot outfit of some sort, or getting oiled up and rubbing down her equally toothsome co-star Jaime Bergman in intentionally gratuitous and over-the-top stupid lingerie fantasies that interrupted the actual narrative for no good reason (but were much appreciated by viewers).

Arcieri's co-star Jaime Bergman as B.J. Cummings. God, I miss SON OF THE BEACH...

The cast of SON OF THE BEACH; you've gotta give it up for Tim Stack as balding, pasty and out-of-shape "world's greatest lifeguard" Notch Johnson, simply for having the colossal balls to set foot into the same frame as his co-stars, shirtless no less. Whatta mensch!

Arcieri's smart, has a sense of humor about her status as a thermonuclear hotness made flesh, and she can actually act, something that gives wonderful and silly gravitas to her comedic roles.

The fine art of balancing the hot with the ludicrous.

Arcieri can also bee seen in feature films like DADDY DAY CARE (where she looks cute beyond belief in glasses), KING'S RANSOM and XXX (unfortunately not the kind of triple-x you might hope for) and while those films all suck, you at least get to see her awesome beauty, something that helps immeasurably while trying to be entertained by a movie that features Eddie Murphy in a broccoli suit.

"I'm broccoli, dammit!"

But however bad some of the vehicles she finds herself in may be, Arcieri still appeals most mightily. I have to wonder what it must be like to wake up each morning and beautify the world for a radius of about a hundred miles just by simply walking out the front door. I guess the gods gave her that masculine chin as some sort of nod to fairness to the rest of the women in the world, but she's so stunning that her chin becomes the one odd facial quirk that keeps her human, a la Pam Grier's effed-up front teeth.

I mean, Jesus H. Christ, that woman is smokin', and that madman Jamie Foxx passed on marrying her after dating her for a year because he felt "marriage is unnatural." Is he insane?!!? I can't speak for Jamie Foxx, but believe me when I say, Miss Arcieri,

My friends, that is one very happy straw.


1 comment:

George said...

She is ridonkulously, stunningly, flabbergastingly hot!

Son of the Beach was a great show, it's a shame it didn't last longer.

This is just further proof that Jamie Foxxxxxxx is sooooooo gay.