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Thursday, May 28, 2009

A GENIUS MUSICAL MOMENT

While making my way through the long-delayed (by five years or so) marvelously juvenile and filthy second (and sadly final) set of SON OF THE BEACH, I was floored with laughter by an utterly ridiculous episode that parodied SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER, with elements of FOOTLOOSE thrown in for good measure. Starring David Arquette in a reprisal of his role as former-biker/delinquent Johnny Queefer, the episode is entitled "Saturday Night Queefer" and features several idiotic musical numbers, but the one that had me wheezing was a lively ode to taking a dump called "Stool Loose." You just haven't lived until you see a semi-Tony Manero-looking David Arquette with an atrocious Guido hairdo and leather jacket, happily shakin' his booty as folks on the pier where's dancing also break into choreographed dance moves like people are wont to do in musicals, only the whole lot of them are jubilating to Arquette's enthusiastic description of one of his bowel movements. I'd direct you to the clip of this terpsichorean masterpiece, but it's not up on YouTube so this transcription of the lyrics will simply have to suffice:

"Stool Loose" (sung to a tune rather similar to the theme from "Footloose")

I been dancin' so hard
My colon's gettin' jarred
Pinchin' a loaf is a piece of cake
'Cause this bumpin' and grindin' always makes
Muh-muh-muh-muh my...

(CHORUS)
Stool Loose!
I don't need no funky prune juice
I just took a doody the size of a moose!
So everybody shake a stool loose!

I like to play it cool
When it's time to drop the kids at the pool
If my back door's shut too tight
I just get down and start shakin' my...

Stool Loose!
I don't need no funky prune juice
I just took a doody the size of a moose!
So everybody shake a stool loose!

So when you got a load in your caboose
Eatin' bran muffins just ain't no use
I don't need no funky prune juice
I just took a doody the size of a moose!
So everybody shake a stool loose!

I don't what you think, but I'd say that's a vast improvement over the Kenny Loggins original. Hmmm... Kenny "Log"-gins...

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