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Sunday, May 31, 2009


While sitting here at my work desk I'm often rendered into a blank-minded drooling state when I think of one of my favorite things in existence, namely tits (yes, I'm aware they come in pairs). I have no idea why I enjoy them as much as I do and I have no desire to have that query answered since such enlightenment is totally unnecessary, but I do know that I just plain love 'em and will continue to do so until I fall over dead, my last, croaked words being "Goodbye, tittieeeeeeees! AAAARRRGH!!!" My whole life has been one of worship and pursuit of the zaftig, and throughout my boob-addled existence there have been a number of creators of art in various fields who were clearly on the same page as I when it came to those warm orbs of womanly flesh. Frank Frazetta's horsey-assed, pendulously-dugged cavegirls and warrior women, and most especially Richard Corben's abundant cartoon goddesses kept me sane (sort of) until real-life girls kindly granted me access to the dairies, and once I became an adult I found myself unable to resist the siren call of the films of Russell Albion Meyer, or simply "Russ."

Russ goddamned Meyer.

Now there was a motherfucker who wore his love of the chestical on his sleeve, and at least two generations of horndogs owe him a great debt for shamelessly celebrating massive jugs. At times his fetish spilled over into territory too ludicrous even for me, but I could nonetheless get where he was coming from. But, alas, Uncle Russ has gone on to the bra-fitting room in the sky, so where is the Russ Meyer of today? Is there one? Seriously, is there anyone out there who's introducing us to stunners like Uschi Digard?

Or Kitten Natividad?

And what about Erica Gavin?

Or even Tura Satana, for that matter?

No one, that's who. The closest thing I've had to a latter day Meyeresque revelation of mammalian marvels that literally stopped me in my tracks was when I first saw Leila Arcieri on SON OF THE BEACH, and frankly she blows away all of Meyer's ladies in terms of across the board knockout power (and, coincidentally, the ability to act).

Leila Arcieri... Excuse me, I have to go be alone for a while...

Sure there's always Monica Bellucci and her Pastaland perfection to keep me hypnotized, but where is there a visionary who so clearly understands the needs of those of us who are plainly and unashamedly breast-crazed (provided the puppies in question are 100% natural)? Where are you, o deliverer? Any of you readers have a clue?


Christina said...

...have you asked the farkers over at FARK yet? Because most of the comment threads over there eventually develop into a massive "boobies" fight by the end of the discussion. There's even a whole tagged category for boobies, although the best of the best gets hidden in TotalFark.

As the reluctant owner of my own pair, I dare to admonish certain gentlemen not to take tits for granted... they are heavy and bothersome, and we're only keeping them around for your sakes! ;D

Bunche said...

Christina, on behalf of all men who dig breasts, we thank all of you ladies who suffer with thir pendulousness every day.