The other night I was chatting with the patriarch of a charming family at the barbecue joint, and we hit it off rather well (the guy turned out to be a bit of a comics freak, and music goon so there was plenty in common to discuss). As the family was preparing to depart, they introduced themselves one by one, and their little girl stated that her name was “G.G.,” not “Gigi.” I told her dad that I would have no problem remembering her name since she share’s her handle with the most vile and disgusting rock ‘n’ roller of all time, namely G.G. Allin, the genius behind such timeless classics as “I Wanna Piss On You,” “Abuse Myself, I Wanna Die,” “Shove That Warrant Up Your Ass,” and the deathless “Expose Yourself To Kids.”
Her father was quite amused when I explained about the late minstrel, and offered “Ya know, when I was a kid I really loved this song by these maniacs from California called the Feederz. Ever hear of ‘Jesus Entering From the Rear?’” I told him that not only was it one of my all-time favorite records, but in 1984 it was also the tune that got me started on my quest to find the most offensive song ever recorded.
“Jesus Entering From the Rear” has long since been eclipsed by such songs as “Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em” by the Mentors (an impassioned, comedic ode to the joys of wife beating), “The Village Idiot” by the Sonics (in which the masterminds behind “Strychnine” have a simulated mentally retarded guy warble an incredible version of “Jingle Bells”), “Kotex” by Bytches with Problems (a self-explanatory ditty that only a truly nasty female could have written and gotten away with, the line about “you fish-smellin’ bitch” being particularly choice), along with “Necropedophile” and “Entrails Ripped From A Virgin’s Cunt,” both by Cannibal Corpse, but it will always have a special place in my heart for the absolute, blind, vitriolic apoplexy that it incites in Catholics and Christians in general. Forget the satirical analogy of Christianity being equated with a 2,000-year-long homosexual rape; what really cheesed off the believers was the mere idea that Jesus would buttfuck anybody, or as the song screeches in your face, “fucking YOU in the AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSS!!!” Even the post-G.G. Allin Murder Junkies’ like-minded “Jism On the Cross” can’t touch it for sheer incendiary offensiveness.
They just don’t write ‘em like that anymore.
And if you, dear reader, can suggest any supremely offensive songs that I have not yet encountered — GOOD LUCK! — please clue me in.