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Monday, March 31, 2008

ON THE SIDEWALKS OF NEW YORK: RANDOM STRANGENESS

This past Saturday I went to brunch with my sister in her Lower East Side neighborhood at a very good, dirt cheap eatery called Alias, but I arrived about a half hour early, so I wandered about the unfamiliar block looking for a bottle of Gatorade (I was a bit dehydrated from the previous evening's adventures). There were a number of convenience stores and bodegas within sight, but I chose the one that labeled itself a "botanica" and went in search of the blessed electrolyte booster.

When I entered the place I noticed that the shelves toward the front of the place were pretty much bare, the only thing within immediate sight being the drinks cooler. I glanced through the cooler's glass but didn't notice any Gatorade, so I scoped out the rear of the store and found it stocked with ancient canned goods whose labels had faded somewhat, but that was a moot point since the cans were encrusted with the dust of the ages. Still detecting no Gatorade, I turned my head to the left and almost jumped out of my skin when I came face-to-face with this horror:


There, in a doorless closet, was a life-sized likeness of a sore-covered religious figure, clearly of the biblical variety, on crutches and flanked by two also-life-sized replicas of dogs. The damned thing totally creeped me out and held the aspect of some strange mutant survivor of the apocalypse rising from his lair deep within the sewer's underworld. Shuddering, I made my way back to the front counter and asked the storekeeper if he had any Gatorade. He roused from his torpor and pointed out the precious elixir, hidden behind some of those cheap fruit punch grenades that ghetto neighborhoods are rife with, and as I grabbed a bottle I noticed the counter's strange decor, a four-foot long landscape of scratched "win fast" game cards, peanut shells, and assorted unnameable ephemera that I recognized as belonging to either Voodoo or Santeria disciplines. Presiding over this arcane clutter was an ash tray/incense burner fused to a cast iron skillet-black metal likeness of a laughing black man in what was either a kufi or a fez, and bedecked in an outfit that would have been totally appropriate for a native extra in a 1930's Tarzan movie. I think he was supposed to be a likeness of Papa Shango, but I'm not sure; I didn't ask, nor did I take a photo of it because I thought it best not to press my luck.

Then, back home in Brooklyn, I came across this tag on the 20th Street side of a hole-in-the-wall Mexican joint I love on Fifth Avenue:

I have no idea who "Tony Crak" is, but apparently he's the king of something. Perhaps crack.

HAPPY 65TH BIRTHDAY, CHRISTOPHER WALKEN!!!

Perhaps no currently working actor walks the line between creepy/terrifying and downright hilarious as the great Christopher Walken. I love the man's work, and would rate him among the handful of thespians who elevate whatever film they happen to be in, no matter how truly awful — although A VIEW TO A KILL, in my opinion the worst James Bond movie to come along until THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH, was too much for even him to overcome — and I never tire of seeing what he brings to the show. Best appreciated for the many heavies he's played, I never fail to bust a gut at his comedic performances, no matter how stupid the movie may be, or how short his screen time; JOE DIRT is a prime example of this, and his part is played so utterly straight that I start snickering the second he shows up.

But what truly sends me into nirvana is Walken body of work for the largely odious SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, performances that for the most part make me wonder how the participants in that moribund selpulchre of humor feel when he shows up and blows most of them off the stage. "The Continental" is in a class by itself, and there are many other bits featuring him that people love — "The Cowbell Sketch" is a fan favorite that wears out its welcome for me thanks to Will Ferrell — but my all-time favorite, which will come as a surprise to absolutely no one, is the fantastically sophomoric "Colonel Angus," an endless deluge of truly juvenile oral sex double entendre that's so ridiculous I nearly died laughing while watching it, and I had to wonder how the actors managed to get through it with straight faces.

Walken as returning Civil War hero "Colonel Angus."

So happy birthday, you wonderfully strange man. May you have a long career, and continue to shine while far lesser talents shine briefly before fizzling out like a half-hearted Chimichanga fart.

THE FIRST WAVE OF APPLICANTS

Since putting out the word that MISCEGEN-8 is looking for recruits, yours truly, the HNIC of the whole shebang, has pored over many applications from would-be evildoers and sorted through the expected dross of common thugs, garden variety sociopaths, deadly nymphomaniacs with ludicrous names ("Fonda Boyz," "Snatchley Von Schiessekunt"), and loonies far too insane and unmanagable to even consider (Dr. Balls-Out Maniac the Third immediately comes to mind), yet from that morass of potential I was able to find a few likelies. So here are the first batch that really warrant my attention, complete with assessment. Hopefully I'll receive an application from a female operative I've heard tell of who sports a "laser rocket arm," but that may just be one of those industry-related legends that one occasionally hears about. Anyway, here are the hopefuls:

NAME: Chris Weston
CODE NAME: Inkfinger

DATE OF BIRTH: 04.01.69

PLACE OF BIRTH: Rinteln, Germany


NATIONAL AFFILIATION (IF ANY): British


CURRENT LOCATION FOR CONTACT:
A discarded Apollo-mission rocket hidden within a lighthouse off the coast of Eastbourne, East Sussex, England.

AREA OF EXPERTISE: I love ink… and am fluent in everything Wikipedia knows on the subject.

SKILLS: Calligraphy and tattooing.


PREFERRED WEAPONS:


NOTABLE KINKS/QUIRKS: I love Indian ink in particular… and drowning my enemies in it.

RELIGIOUS FANATIC (IF “YES” PLEASE EXPLAIN; HERE AT MISCEGEN-8 WE STRIVE FOR DIVERSITY AND UNDERSTANDING AS WE UNLEASH NASTINESS AND TERROR): No. Militant atheist.

WANTED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES (IF “YES” PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH AGENCIES):
No. My works have left the authorities baffled and clueless to my involvement.

PRE-EXISTING AFFILIATION WITH A HUGE, INTERNATIONAL CRIME CARTEL (PLEASE IDENTIFY BY NAME, IF APPLICABLE):
Learnt calligraphy, torture, and torture involving calligraphy from The Yakuza.

INVOLVEMENT WITH CRIMES/PLOTS OF NOTE:
Hypnotised Tony Blair into betraying Socialism.

RELATIVES IN GOVERNMENTAL POWER WHOM WE CAN SEDUCE INTO SERVICE AND/OR BLACKMAIL:
None. I’m an orphan.

CURRENT BODY COUNT (PLEASE DESCRIBE ANY ESPECIALLY CREATIVE MURDERS):
Too many to mention and most involve the use of biros.

DESCRIBE WHAT YOU CAN BRING TO MISCEGEN-8:
Nice hand-writing.

DESCRIBE YOUR DIABOLICAL SCHEME FOR WORLD CONQUEST:
With only six, square sheets of one-way glass I can build an artificial black hole. I will then hold the world to ransom.

DO YOU ALREADY HAVE MEDICAL/DENTAL/OPTICAL INSURANCE COVERAGE (YES OR NO):
No. I’ll make use of The National Health Service like Everyone else.

HNIC'S COMMENTS: This one's a no-brainer since we need an Englishman to serve as the opposite number to a certain UK operative whose snooty and arrogant ways really piss me off, and I like this guy's style. Ink as a signature? Both deliciously ironic and rather twisted. Note to ordnance-send this guy twelve cases of biros, as per his specifications.

NAME: Jennifer Angel Polinski

CODE NAME: JAP

DATE OF BIRTH: 7/7/77

PLACE OF BIRTH: New York, New York

NATIONAL AFFILIATION (IF ANY): DDPM

(donne della plastica mortale) Women of the Deadly Plastic

CURRENT LOCATION FOR CONTACT: Milan

AREA OF EXPERTISE: I steal mens' fortunes

SKILLS: I seduce men into thinking I actually love them then ruin their credit; siphon off their money into my own secret account in the Cayman Islands then kill them making it look like suicide

PREFERRED WEAPONS: Credit cards

NOTABLE KINKS/QUIRKS: I always by a new pair of steel shank, over the knee leather stiletto-heeled boots to commit the final act

RELIGIOUS FANATIC (IF “YES” PLEASE EXPLAIN; HERE AT MISCEGEN-8 WE STRIVE FOR DIVERSITY AND UNDERSTANDING AS WE UNLEASH NASTINESS AND TERROR): No

WANTED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES (IF “YES” PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH AGENCIES): YES – Internal Revenue Service in America and Inland Revenue in the UK

PRE-EXISTING AFFILIATION WITH A HUGE, INTERNATIONAL CRIME CARTEL (PLEASE IDENTIFY BY NAME, IF APPLICABLE): I work alone

INVOLVEMENT WITH CRIMES/PLOTS OF NOTE: I would tell you but then you would guess my clients with whom I share my fortunes

RELATIVES IN GOVERNMENTAL POWER WHOM WE CAN SEDUCE INTO SERVICE AND/OR BLACKMAIL: That schmuck that ran for Vice President but then admitted he was a republican. I spit on his name.

CURRENT BODY COUNT (PLEASE DESCRIBE ANY ESPECIALLY CREATIVE MURDERS): 7 – My favorite was #3 whom I dressed in black and then had him decorate his bedroom all in black then I made it look like he slit his own wrists with a black Amex card. OOOOOH it gives me chills

DESCRIBE WHAT YOU CAN BRING TO MISCEGEN-8: I know the BEST places to shop

DESCRIBE YOUR DIABOLICAL SCHEME FOR WORLD CONQUEST: I don’t need to conquer the world – it is completely my playground.

DO YOU ALREADY HAVE MEDICAL/DENTAL/OPTICAL INSURANCE COVERAGE (YES OR NO): No need

HNIC'S COMMENTS: a chameleonic femme fatale? Oh, she is so in. As long as the organization gets its cut...


NAME: Turavisaru Bikuru

CODE NAME: Shakuhachi Bizen

DATE OF BIRTH: Showa 24

PLACE OF BIRTH: Dread secret

NATIONAL AFFILIATION (IF ANY): International

CURRENT LOCATION FOR CONTACT: Secret

AREA OF EXPERTISE: Inter-dimensional infamy

SKILLS: Master of Dim Mak (the Death Touch,) Neural-Spatio-Phase-Disruption, Entropic Thaumaturgy, projectile expectoration, and psionic mammoplasty.

PREFERRED WEAPONS: moly-steel shakuhachi (painted to resemble bamboo,) MK II Phase Disruptor (Isher Technologies,) belt-buckle derringer, and tightly rolled tabloid newspaper.

NOTABLE KINKS/QUIRKS: Known to scream “Ten-shikaru!!” (Heaven’s mild admonishment!) when attacking or cutting ahead on line.

RELIGIOUS FANATIC (IF “YES” PLEASE EXPLAIN; HERE AT MISCEGEN-8 WE STRIVE FOR DIVERSITY AND UNDERSTANDING AS WE UNLEASH NASTINESS AND TERROR): Only if Neo-Tachism can be considered a religion.

WANTED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES (IF “YES” PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH AGENCIES): Wanted by Inter-Dimensional enforcement agencies and some debt-collectors on Uranus.

PRE-EXISTING AFFILIATION WITH A HUGE, INTERNATIONAL CRIME CARTEL (PLEASE IDENTIFY BY NAME, IF APPLICABLE): Legion of Inter-Dimensional Villainy.

INVOLVEMENT WITH CRIMES/PLOTS OF NOTE: The Heinous Anus Conspiracy.

RELATIVES IN GOVERNMENTAL POWER WHOM WE CAN SEDUCE INTO SERVICE AND/OR BLACKMAIL: NA

CURRENT BODY COUNT (PLEASE DESCRIBE ANY ESPECIALLY CREATIVE MURDERS): Does this include disincorporation of inter-dimensional entities? Or Canadians?

DESCRIBE WHAT YOU CAN BRING TO MISCEGEN-8: The uncanny ability to cloud the minds of most rodents except gerbils.

DESCRIBE YOUR DIABOLICAL SCHEME FOR WORLD CONQUEST: It’s a SECRET!!!

DO YOU ALREADY HAVE MEDICAL/DENTAL/OPTICAL INSURANCE COVERAGE (YES OR NO): Medical/dental, but no optical.

HNIC'S COMMENTS: An intriguing resume that presents many possibilities. Plus the Heinous Anus Conspiracy is a personal favorite, so I look forward to working with him.


NAME: Bill Fruge
CODE NAME:
Yin Yang

DATE OF BIRTH: unknown, perhaps the '60's

PLACE OF BIRTH: small village in the mountains of Asia

NATIONAL AFFILIATION (IF ANY): None

CURRENT LOCATION FOR CONTACT: all places are really one

AREA OF EXPERTISE: world peace

SKILLS: the ability to relax people and get them to see their "inner-self"

PREFERRED WEAPONS: none

NOTABLE KINKS/QUIRKS: sits in the lotus position a lot, balding

RELIGIOUS FANATIC (IF "YES" PLEASE EXPLAIN; HERE AT MISCEGEN-8 WE STRIVE FOR DIVERSITY AND UNDERSTANDING AS WE UNLEASH NASTINESS AND TERROR):
none, believes all religions are just manifestations of the same general belief

WANTED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES (IF "YES" PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH AGENCIES): none, but many large corporate interests and some governments are opposed to his work since he opposes greed and materialism; although several NGO's are actively seeking him as a public speaker

PRE-EXISTING AFFILIATION WITH A HUGE, INTERNATIONAL CRIME CARTEL (PLEASE IDENTIFY BY NAME, IF APPLICABLE): none

INVOLVEMENT WITH CRIMES/PLOTS OF NOTE: none

RELATIVES IN GOVERNMENTAL POWER WHOM WE CAN SEDUCE INTO SERVICE AND/OR BLACKMAIL: none

CURRENT BODY COUNT (PLEASE DESCRIBE ANY ESPECIALLY CREATIVE MURDERS): none

DESCRIBE WHAT YOU CAN BRING TO MISCEGEN-8: peace and self-awareness

DESCRIBE YOUR DIABOLICAL SCHEME FOR WORLD CONQUEST: Plans to have all people look inward and realize that their goals to become wealthy, rule the world, turn the statue of liberty into a giant robot with titty gun, or fight crime are just manifestations of an unsatisfied ego and that true inner peace can only come from a letting go of such desires.

DO YOU ALREADY HAVE MEDICAL/DENTAL/OPTICAL INSURANCE COVERAGE (YES OR NO): perhaps

HNIC'S COMMENTS: I don't think this guy quite gets what we're going for here; will take under advisement.


NAME: DECLAN SHALVEY
CODE NAME: DOCTOR PATIENT

DATE OF BIRTH: 11 Jan '82

PLACE OF BIRTH: Dublin, Ireland

NATIONAL AFFILIATION (IF ANY): Any.


CURRENT LOCATION FOR CONTACT: Isle of Debauchery


AREA OF EXPERTISE: Witty banter.


SKILLS: Can take a punch.

PREFERRED WEAPONS: Razor-Sharp Wit, Cutting remarks, Charming Irish Accent (for the ladies)


NOTABLE KINKS/QUIRKS: Irish slang-words, Offending ladies, makes every situation into a joke of some kind.


RELIGIOUS FANATIC (IF "YES" PLEASE EXPLAIN; HERE AT MISCEGEN-8 WE STRIVE FOR DIVERSITY AND UNDERSTANDING AS WE UNLEASH NASTINESS AND TERROR): Working on it.

WANTED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES (IF "YES" PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH AGENCIES): Doctor Patient has eluded all law enforcement by not having yet committed any crimes.


PRE-EXISTING AFFILIATION WITH A HUGE, INTERNATIONAL CRIME CARTEL (PLEASE IDENTIFY BY NAME, IF APPLICABLE): Doctor Patient has eluded all crime cartels by not having yet committed any crimes.


INVOLVEMENT WITH CRIMES/PLOTS OF NOTE: Doctor Patient is more of a background agent, adding witty remarks when need be. Also has undercover expertise, blends in with a crowd, lulling them into a false sense of security as he learns all their weaknesses.


RELATIVES IN GOVERNMENTAL POWER WHOM WE CAN SEDUCE INTO SERVICE AND/OR BLACKMAIL: Doctor Patient can seduce all!


CURRENT BODY COUNT (PLEASE DESCRIBE ANY ESPECIALLY CREATIVE MURDERS): Doctor Patient has yet to slay an enemy, but has many plans in circulation which will soon raise his body count ....from zero.


DESCRIBE WHAT YOU CAN BRING TO MISCEGEN-8: Doctor Patient can offer much. He can care for your concubines while you're on missions. He can also provide them with much-needed intercourse when their self-esteem is low. He can turn light switches on and off. He can add much-needed humour to dire situations

DESCRIBE YOUR DIABOLICAL SCHEME FOR WORLD CONQUEST:

1: Start rumours about certain parties.

2: Inform parties of the rumours

3: Tell parties that opposing parties started said rumours

4: Stand back aset them fight it out.

5: Claim control.

6: Have dinner.


DO YOU ALREADY HAVE MEDICAL/DENTAL/OPTICAL INSURANCE COVERAGE (YES OR NO): No. (One must note that Doctor Patient holds no medical doctorate of any kind and is also not patient in any way.)

HNIC'S COMMENTS: not too impressed with his cpacity for mayhem, but do appreciate his sensibilities. Possible consigilieri?

NAME: Unknown, though often simply called "The Hat".
Known aliases include "Jean Toque", "Guiseppe Legame",
"Cooper Dale", "Nelson Elliott", and "Carlos Aureus".
Frequently presents himself as an employee of
"Universal Import/Export".

CODE NAME: Pablo

DATE OF BIRTH: Sometime in the early 1970s

PLACE OF BIRTH: Somewhere in the quadrangle described by Singapore, Bangkok, Taipei, and Subic Bay

NATIONAL AFFILIATION (IF ANY): n/a

CURRENT LOCATION FOR CONTACT: Post Restante, Central Post Office, Hong Kong

AREA OF EXPERTISE: Diabolical masterminding

SKILLS: Bartending, yoga, uncanny ability to simply vanish, skulking in the shadows

PREFERRED WEAPONS: Dry wit and a BIG FUCKING GUN

NOTABLE KINKS/QUIRKS: Listening to Wagner

RELIGIOUS FANATIC (IF “YES” PLEASE EXPLAIN; HERE AT MISCEGEN-8 WE STRIVE FOR DIVERSITY AND UNDERSTANDING AS WE UNLEASH NASTINESS AND TERROR): Fanatical fundamentalist agnostic

WANTED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES (IF “YES” PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH AGENCIES): All of them, including the ones that don't know that they're looking for me.

PRE-EXISTING AFFILIATION WITH A HUGE, INTERNATIONAL CRIME CARTEL (PLEASE IDENTIFY BY NAME, IF APPLICABLE): The Hat works freelance.

INVOLVEMENT WITH CRIMES/PLOTS OF NOTE:
• In the very early 1990s, during the breakup of the USSR, stole a very large – 8 figures in USD – amount of money from the Belarusian treasury. To this day, the Belarusian government never knew the money was even there in the first place.
• Attempted to steal the original manuscript of Kafka's The Trial on commission, only to discover that the 'original manuscript' was a Nazi-era fake. Stole it anyway and passed it off as the original.
• During the mid 90s, smuggled priceless religious artifacts out of the collapsing Yugoslavia and subsequently returned them for a substantial and highly inflated fee to the rightful owners.
• Personally responsible for initiating a vicious gang war in Vladivostok in 1996 by murdering assassinating three major rival organized crime figures nearly simultaneously.
• Sold defective submarine plans to Columbian drug lords in 2006; faked own death before defects in plans were discovered. Set up subsequent assassination of drug lord who knew who had sold them the plans.
• Was in the process of setting up blackmail scheme on prominent US politician; scheme fell through due to target's incompetence in getting caught by the government.

RELATIVES IN GOVERNMENTAL POWER WHOM WE CAN SEDUCE INTO SERVICE AND/OR BLACKMAIL: n/a

CURRENT BODY COUNT (PLEASE DESCRIBE ANY ESPECIALLY CREATIVE MURDERS): At least four.

DESCRIBE WHAT YOU CAN BRING TO MISCEGEN-8: It should be obvious.

DESCRIBE YOUR DIABOLICAL SCHEME FOR WORLD CONQUEST: The world isn't worth the time and effort to conquer. Much more fun to feed off of the greed and incompetence of others.

DO YOU ALREADY HAVE MEDICAL/DENTAL/OPTICAL INSURANCE COVERAGE (YES OR NO): Yes, but COBRA is fucking expensive.

HNIC'S COMMENTS: sign this man up immediately, no two ways about it.

NAME: Hank Wrigley
CODE NAME: Solder

DATE OF BIRTH: I'm 27 years old, but can provide documents saying otherwise if needed at no expense to yourself or MISCEGEN-8.

PLACE OF BIRTH: As much as I would like to say Truth or Consequences, New Mexico I admit it is in fact Connecticut :(


NATIONAL AFFILIATION (IF ANY): Have "legal" U.S citizenship.


CURRENT LOCATION FOR CONTACT: New York.


AREA OF EXPERTISE: Above average aptitude with machinery and compressed gasses (a B.F.A in Metalsmithing and Jewelry / Art History!). Also have training in Art History and currently studying in secondary Education systems within the U.S (never know this might be useful for recruiting at a later date ala COBRA).

SKILLS: Welding, Gem setting, fairly extensive knowledge in mold-making.and basic lapidary skills.


PREFERRED WEAPONS: Fists, Jeweler's saw, Crossbow, Leatherman, a Car (as a projectile) (I actually do have experience using all of those)


NOTABLE KINKS/QUIRKS: Are you trying to pick me up? I'm into green women, if you know what I mean.


RELIGIOUS FANATIC (IF "YES" PLEASE EXPLAIN; HERE AT MISCEGEN-8 WE STRIVE FOR DIVERSITY AND UNDERSTANDING AS WE UNLEASH NASTINESS AND TERROR): Agnostic.


WANTED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES (IF "YES" PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH AGENCIES): Not under this name or current face.


PRE-EXISTING AFFILIATION WITH A HUGE, INTERNATIONAL CRIME CARTEL (PLEASE IDENTIFY BY NAME, IF APPLICABLE): S.P.E.C.T.R.E intern, 2000-2002. I also signed up with the Selective Service in order to get the proper financial aid for my undergraduate studies. I sure count that as working with a Crime Cartel, even thought I never "technically" saw action. (Please see "Current Body Count"). I am now over 25 years of age, and have no ties to them whatsoever. I also had a "lifetime" allegiance to the Decepticons, but I'm revoking it after that movie last year. I feel I am justified.


INVOLVEMENT WITH CRIMES/PLOTS OF NOTE: I was Eliot Spitzer's go to guy in D.C.


RELATIVES IN GOVERNMENTAL POWER WHOM WE CAN SEDUCE INTO SERVICE AND/OR BLACKMAIL: I have a relative who actually is the person in charge of a Coast Guard base (actually true!)


CURRENT BODY COUNT (PLEASE DESCRIBE ANY ESPECIALLY CREATIVE MURDERS): All that "friendly fire" overseas? Cough cough...

DESCRIBE WHAT YOU CAN BRING TO MISCEGEN-8: The ability to lift 50 lbs. above my head, Really though, I'm a fairly hard working, self motivated kind of guy, who can't define himself as a true sadist, but I do take pleasure in the shortcomings of others. I feel that global conquest will allow me to remove myself from the feeling of individual responsibility for our foes (the public) and allow me to work though this. If I cast a bigger net, I reckon I am less likely to look at the individual fish, while also catching far more. I also make some bitching grilled salmon.


DESCRIBE YOUR DIABOLICAL SCHEME FOR WORLD CONQUEST: I'm not entirely sure, but it would somehow involve removing color from the "people" and retaining it solely for our own personal glory. If we were the only people to see a full color spectrum, victory cannot be far behind. I highly recommend using a cover story of us summoning Cthulu to keep them off of our trail until then though.

DO YOU ALREADY HAVE MEDICAL/DENTAL/OPTICAL INSURANCE COVERAGE (YES OR NO): No :( I will have Medical and Optical covered in the fall when I resume full time Graduate School studies. But alas, no dental. My rage comes from somewhere ya see.


HNIC'S COMMENTS: appears sound; youth a plus, and may make good willing cannon-fodder.

Not bad for a start, but keep 'em coming. As per the motto of MISCEGEN-8, Taking over the world ain't easy, but somebody's got to do it, so I await your contact.

Friday, March 28, 2008

TAKING OVER THE WORLD: STEP 1-NAMING THE ORGANIZATION AND RECRUITMENT


Yer Bunche, budding megalomaniac (new photo coming soon).

Now that I'm launching my own post-SPECTRE international crime cartel, I've decided to name it MISCEGEN-8 (a play on "miscegenate;" look it up). SPECTRE was great during the Cold War, composed as it was of commies and assorted greasy foreigners, but nowadays no ethnicity or ideology is all that exotic, so I'm cutting out the middleman and addressing a truly one-world concept of evil. And now that the cool name's out of the way I need some staff, underlings, tech folks, and concubines. With that in mind, I've drafted up the following email greeting:

CONGRATULATIONS! You have come to the attention of MISCEGEN-8, an up-and-coming international crime cartel for the Two-Thousands, and we would like to extend an invitation to apply for membership in our exclusive fraternity. Please fill out and return the enclosed application, along with a photo, and our human resources department will get back to you as soon as possible. Good luck, and remember our motto: Taking over the world ain't easy, but somebody's got to do it!
-Yer Bunche
CEO and HNIC,
MISCEGEN-8

The application reads as follows:

MISCEGEN-8 GENERAL APPLICATION

NAME:

CODE NAME:

DATE OF BIRTH:

PLACE OF BIRTH:

NATIONAL AFFILIATION (IF ANY):

CURRENT LOCATION FOR CONTACT:

AREA OF EXPERTISE:

SKILLS:

PREFERRED WEAPONS:

NOTABLE KINKS/QUIRKS:

RELIGIOUS FANATIC (IF “YES” PLEASE EXPLAIN; HERE AT MISCEGEN-8 WE STRIVE FOR DIVERSITY AND UNDERSTANDING AS WE UNLEASH NASTINESS AND TERROR):

WANTED BY INTERNATIONAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES (IF “YES” PLEASE SPECIFY WHICH AGENCIES):

PRE-EXISTING AFFILIATION WITH A HUGE, INTERNATIONAL CRIME CARTEL (PLEASE IDENTIFY BY NAME, IF APPLICABLE):

INVOLVEMENT WITH CRIMES/PLOTS OF NOTE:

RELATIVES IN GOVERNMENTAL POWER WHOM WE CAN SEDUCE INTO SERVICE AND/OR BLACKMAIL:

CURRENT BODY COUNT (PLEASE DESCRIBE ANY ESPECIALLY CREATIVE MURDERS):

DESCRIBE WHAT YOU CAN BRING TO MISCEGEN-8:

DESCRIBE YOUR DIABOLICAL SCHEME FOR WORLD CONQUEST:

DO YOU ALREADY HAVE MEDICAL/DENTAL/OPTICAL INSURANCE COVERAGE (YES OR NO):

So, what are you waiting for, dear reader? Apply today!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

EMILIO WOULD BE PROUD

Ever have one of those days when you're just feeling evil? I don't mean in a foul mood or just generally pissed off, I'm talking about EVIL. Fuckin' EE-VILL! Purenteed "gonna build me a death-ray and melt a Klingon language camp" kind of evil! And on those days you want to be dressed in the height of sartorial elegance that declares to the world you aim to conquer just what sort of horrifying entity you are. But where to turn to for such apparel?

Not long ago I was having a day at the design gulag that required I put on my THUNDERBALL soundtrack and pretend I was Emilio Largo, not only the number two man in the infamous (fictional) crime cartel SPECTRE, but also the single coolest opponent James Bond ever faced.

Adolfo Celi as Emilio Largo, the most pimp-a-licious of 007's foes.

Suave in that way possessed only by old school Italians, Largo simply emanated both power and snobbish malevolence, and you just knew that the only reason Bond overcame his schemes was because some hack writer rewrote the real outcome (in case you didn't know, James Bond movies are based-on-true-life docudramas that bring to life declassified cases from the files of MI-6, accurate down to the most minute detail). Whenever I see THUNDERBALL (1965) I tend to root for Largo just because he's such a balls-out pimp of a dude. Go ahead and call it a man-crush, I do not care.

As I sat at my workspace (it sure as hell can't be dignified with the term "desk") I decided I needed a t-shirt with the emblem of SPECTRE — the Special Executive for Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion — emblazoned across it, an item that would speak for me when I was too evil to be approached. So I searched the internet and found the wonderful t-shirt (and other stuff) site November Fire , a welcome repository of black shirts with all manner of horror/evil-related images. These guys had just the shirt I wanted:


Overjoyed, I decided to buy it, and the shirt in question arrived in my hands yesterday. Great quality material, a top-notch screen print on the front, a price considerably cheaper than if I'd purchased it here in the Big Apple...Yer Bunche was most pleased (although I would have left the actual name off of the shirt to keep people guessing, but that's just me). And the shirt came with an unexpected bonus, namely the company's catalog. I spent about an hour poring over its contents, and could easily blow about three-hundred bucks on many of the shirts and crazy belt buckles found within its pages. Check out their site for yourself, but I had to show you my two faves from their collection. For sheer geekery fused with coolness, this one's hard to beat:

And for us older fans of horror movies who are of an age to remember the days of "horror hosts," this shirt is indispensable:

Of all the people who influenced my love of macabre motion pictures, no one had a greater impact than Bob Wilkins, the late host of the Californian version of the venerable CREATURE FEATURES franchise. I have not seen a Bob Wilkins show since 1972, but I remember him like it was yesterday. Good teachers are hard to find, and Bob was a great teacher, so whoever thought to honor him with a t-shirt, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Now 'scuse me while I head out to convert the Statue of Liberty into a giant robot (with laser-firing titties) and use it to hold the East Coast for ransom to the tune of... $360, including postage & handling! And a sixer of Sapporo!

Yer Bunche, about to embark on my new career as a card-carrying megalomaniac.

I'll be courting investors and taking applications for henchmen, "hitters," Kirby-style tech wizards, and the all important concubine squad, so write in with your suggestions and qualifications today (picture requested).

I like to think Emilio would be proud.

SOUND & FURY: AGE OF WINTERS (2006) by The Sword

Great things must sometimes be imparted from some sort of mystical guide, which is how I was alerted to the album you’re going to read about.

I was working my usual shift at the barbecue joint — this was obviously a while ago — when an incredibly stoned friend of the restaurant wandered in and asked me, “Hey, Bunche! You like metal, right?” I answered in the affirmative and the amiable stoner handed me a CD featuring art that looked like an Alphonse Mucha knockoff. The band went by the none-too-original moniker of “The Sword,” which instantly put me on the defensive and made me anticipate yet another time-wasting metal disc chock full of adolescent barbarian fantasies, dragons, appropriated Norse mythology and so on, but the stoner held me transfixed with his gaze and uttered with the gravitas of a chemically-altered Yoda and stated, “I know what it looks like, but you must trust me on this one. These guys understand what metal is and what it means, not like some bunch of hair-metal poodle-pussies.” The sheer conviction on his face gave me pause, so I took a moment from unloading one of the barbecue smokers and popped the disc into the player. What I heard astounded me; sounding nothing like any metal record released since 1976, “Age of Winters” wears its status as a throwback proudly and evokes the spectre of Black Sabbath during its early, dirge-like years.

This combo from Austin, Texas has learned much from their British forebears, creating a melancholy, heavy atmosphere while maintaining nothing less than solid musicianship and breathing life into material that would most likely be stale if from lesser hands. Loaded with the by now de rigueur fantasy/mythological angle, the band somehow manages to render such stuff compelling and utterly non-comedic, with each tale of monsters, heroism and legendary warfare coming off like ancient epic poetry if the Vikings had written such stuff with the benefit of electric guitars, kind of like Snorri Sturluson if he knew how to not only hypnotize his audience with his words, but also knew how to rock out with his cock out, especially on “Iron Swan” and the epic tale of the last days of the mythological beasts, “Lament for the Aurochs.” Simply put, this is the purest example of no-bullshit, quality metal I’ve heard in a very long time, and I cannot urge any willing listener strongly enough to check it out. An album that does not suck in any way? “Age of Winters” is exactly that, and how often do you get one of those?

NYC SUBWAY AD OF THE WEEK

As seen at the 42nd Street/Times Square station:

Can you believe RETURN OF THE JEDI came out twenty-five years ago? Once maligned as the worst of the STAR WARS series, JEDI has since been given new luster thanks to the almost-universally-agreed-upon lousiness of chapters one through three, whose Jar-Jar Binks single-handedly eclipsed the balls-out nightmare of the obnoxious Ewoks (a group never once named onscreen, but thanks to the power of Lucasfilm's marketing machine everyone in the world knows what to call them). And while the slave-girl getup was pretty tasty, I thought she looked great from the beginning in the white outfit (with what appeared to be no bra, ah, the seventies...), even with that stupid double-pastry hairdo. Hell, given the opportunity, I'd still do Carrie Fisher. Oh, like you wouldn't.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

EL BUNCHO’S VIDEO RENTAL RECOMMENDATIONS: CLASSICS OF MARTIAL ARTS ASS-WHUPPIN’ THAT YOU NEED TO SEE

NOTE: I originally ran this one back on 8/17/07, but I just realized I never posted the version with pics. I apologize for my dumbassedness.

-Yer Bunche


A scene inexplicably cut from Bruce Lee's first kung fu opus, THE BIG BOSS (aka FISTS OF FURY, 1971).

Every now and then a would-be movie-renter needs a bit of help when choosing from an unfamiliar genre and perhaps no genre is more misunderstood and maligned than that of the martial arts flick. Most Americans roll their eyes at the mere mention of “chopsocky” films and the incredibly stilted — and often hilarious — dialogue that goes with the territory, along with a perceived sacrifice of story in favor of mindless violence and ass-whuppin’; admittedly, these criticisms are not invalid, but much like any other genre one must sift through a lot of real shit to get to the gems, but a feature unique to this kind of picture is that sometimes the pieces of shit can be more fun than their more serious-minded brethren.

Marilyn D. Mintz in her 1978 study of the subject, THE MARTIAL ARTS FILMS, defines a martial arts film by pretty much any content that portrays the act of physical combat between people, a ridiculously liberal interpretation that allows her to classify such films as ROCKY, THE THREE MUSKETEERS and THE MARK OF ZORRO as such, a position that I strongly disagree with. Yes, boxing, swordsmanship and the like can be applied as both sport and combat arts, but for the purpose of clarity I would like to define the martial arts film as any movie that features combat involving mostly Asian forms of hand-to-hand and weapons fighting, whether the combatants are of Asian descent or not, although I will be focusing on films produced in China and Japan since virtually all entries produced anywhere else on the globe are generally horrendous specimens indeed.

And now that I’ve gotten the requisite film-fuck horseshit out of the way, let’s get down to it!

There are literally thousands of martial arts films to sort through, featuring just about every possible permutation of ways in which to do harm to one’s fellow man lovingly depicted in glorious Technicolor sanguinity, and it’s the job of die-hards such as yours truly to endure the utter garbage out there so we can advise you laymen on what to avoid and what to treasure.

Even if you have a limited knowledge of the subject, or none at all, you have no doubt heard of Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan, both of whom have unquestionably done more to popularize the genre to the world at large than any other actors and they have both contributed their share of classics and clunkers. I’ll spare you an analysis of their respective output and just give you the films of theirs that you really need to see; Bruce only made four complete features before his untimely death in 1973 and Jackie has an uninterrupted catalog of films that encompasses more than three decades, so remember the following are their quintessential works and should not be missed:

FIST OF FURY (aka THE CHINESE CONNECTION, 1972)

Thanks to a moron at the American film distributor fucking up, the film that was to be released as FISTS OF FURY in the States had its new title switched with that of THE BIG BOSS, which was retitled THE CHINESE CONNECTION to riff off of the then-current THE FRENCH CONNECTION and its heroin-related content, so seeing this film as THE CHINESE CONNECTION lead to a bit of confusion as this film has nothing whatsoever to do with drug smuggling. Instead THE CHINESE CONNECTION is an archetypal “You killed my master!” revenge flick that has Bruce as the top student at a kung fu school in Japanese-occupied China whose master is poisoned by the dastardly Samurai fuckheads at a local karate/swordsmanship/Japanesestuff dojo. Bruce and his schoolmates endure all kinds of shit from the intolerably obnoxious Japanese because their teacher did not believe in vengeance, but since this is a Bruce Lee movie it’s only a matter of time until Bruce puts his slipper-clad foot right up the collective ass of every motherfucker in the dojo, all while firmly standing up for Chinese pride in the face of imperialist racism and all-around douchebaggery.

Intense and violent as hell, complete with some of Bruce’s — and martial arts cinema’s — most spectacular fights and the mother of all downbeat endings, this is simply the best film Bruce Lee ever made and it’s painfully obvious when Bruce stepped in to stage and choreograph the fights with his Hollywood trained eye since the hack director handles every other sequence in a rather pedestrian style that was common to much of Chinese cinema at the time.

RETURN OF THE DRAGON (1972)

Originally THE WAY OF THE DRAGON, this was released in the West after the success of the US/Hong Kong Warner Brothers collaboration ENTER THE DRAGON — more on that in a moment — hence the cash-in moniker. The story, involving Bruce as a badassed country bumpkin sent to Rome to protect a relative’s Chinese restaurant from abuse by the Mafia, is no great shakes, but this is the only film completely directed by Lee from start to finish and the fights rock some major ass. The highlights include Bruce decimating the mob’s attempts to fuck with his countrymen and a stunning one-on-one battle between Bruce and Chuck Norris in the Colosseum that has justly been hailed as one of the classic set-tos of the entire genre (if not the classic).

Fuck WALKER, TEXAS RANGER! This is Chuck Norris at his very best.

ENTER THE DRAGON (1973)

Perhaps no other film exemplifies what Westerners think of as a kung fu flick as much as this textbook tournament story. Bruce is a Shaolin monk/bad motherfucker sent by British intelligence to participate in an exclusive competition on a kung fu megalomaniac’s private island while simultaneously searching out a missing British operative/mole and gunning for the gweilo scumbag (Bob Wall) who caused his hapkido badass sister (Angela Mao Ying) to kill herself. The James Bond angle is a bit of a reach and in no way fits in with Bruce’s established “badass for the little guy” persona, but when you have this much wall-to-wall, balls out ass-whuppin’ who fucking cares? Lee’s fighting skills verge on the superhuman and there is not one other character in the whole piece that is even remotely a challenge for him — certainly not an out-of-his-league John Saxon — with even the final battle against the claw-handed main baddie being pretty much Bruce Lee kicking an old man’s ass, but it’s nonetheless a pleasure to see him and Jim Kelly, the God of the over-the-top Afro, beat the snot out of all comers. For me the highlights are Bruce’s so-unfair-that-it’s-embarrassing beat-down on Bob Wall (in which Lee’s movements were so fast that the film had to be undercranked so they could be seen on screen) and the battle in the underground dungeon/heroin processing plant where Lee takes on about a hundred guys using his fists, feet, a pole, two Escrima clubs and a pair of nunchaku, with a very young, pre-eye surgery Jackie Chan on the receiving end of a savage neck-snapping.

Yup, that's Jackie Chan about to get turned into a human Pez dispenser.

Simply put, a perfect Sunday afternoon popcorn muncher with enough violence for the guys and shirtless Bruce Lee and Jim Kelly as eye candy for the ladies and gay dudes.

BRUCE LEE: A WARRIOR’S JOURNEY (2000)

Of the many Bruce Lee documentaries — most of which were cheap and offensive cash-in exploitation trash and I should know because I've seen them all — this is hands down the best and it does the Nobel Peace Prize-worthy service of including the full-length fight sequences from the unfinished Lee-directed GAME OF DEATH, thereby sparing you the torturous experience of sitting through that posthumously-released act of cinematic necrophiliac rape. You see, before Bruce took the dirt nap he had begun shooting a film that he both wrote and directed and all that exists of this work is a sequence wherein Bruce and two other Chinese dudes (who are best left out of it) ascend a pagoda and Bruce fights a martial arts master of a different style on each level, finally ending up in a visually bizarre and stunning throwdown against one of his real life students, namely all seven feet and two inches of NBA legend Kareem Abdul Jabbar. The greedy bastards at Warner Brothers and Golden Harvest took the footage and crafted a “movie” around it featuring an utterly unconvincing double for Lee and the film is not only stultifyingly boring but it also has the nerve to paste a photo of Bruce to a mirror while his double peers into the looking glass. But never mind that bollocks; the documentary is both fun and informative, with a wealth of screen tests and home movies, and of course the un-fucked-with ass-whuppin’ footage.

SHAOLIN WOODEN MEN (1976)

A young nobody when he made this one, Jackie Chan plays a silent serf at the local monastery who seeks to learn kung fu skills for reasons that are revealed late in the story. Not great or spectacular by any means, this is worth it for a look at Jackie’s pre-superstardom output and is strictly optional for the casual viewer.

SNAKE IN THE EAGLE’S SHADOW (1978)

Attention comics geeks! Poster by comics legend Neal Adams.

This is the first inkling of what was to come, insomuch as it's a hell of a lot of fun and is the first pairing of Chan and the scene-stealing Simon Yuen — father of Yuen Woo Ping, the genius who later went on to choreograph the fu on display in the MATRIX trilogy, among other stunners — as student and teacher. Jackie plays an abused servant at a martial arts school who is taken under the wing of the last master of the Snake Fist style, a discipline the master keeps secret since he is being sought by a murderous Eagle Claw proponent who seeks to wipe out the Snake Fist once and for all. After being secretly tutored in the art, Jackie engages in a series of set-tos and eventually incorporates a house cat’s fighting technique as witnessed against a cobra into his own skills, a bit of thinking that figures heavily into the final fight. A surprise hit, this was more or less remade the next year as…

DRUNKEN MASTER (1978)

There are those who give it up for PROJECT A (1983), but Yer Bunche says that without a doubt this flick is Jackie Chan’s finest hour and is also simply the funniest martial arts film ever made. Realizing that “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” the producers pretty much remade SNAKE IN THE EAGLE’S SHADOW, only amping up the humor and fight scenes and coming out with a five star masterpiece. Jackie plays an outrageously irreverent version of legendary real life martial arts hero Wong Fei-Hung, here reinterpreted as a young-but-talented trouble-making kung fu asshole who is the bane of his father’s existence and so incorrigible that his dad enlists the lad’s uncle, the drunken master of the title, to train him and set his ass straight. What ensues is a cornucopia of spectacular and downright hilarious ass-whuppery replete with weapons, rude behavior and jaw-dropping choreography, basically a feature-length highlight reel. Trust me, there is not one boring moment in the entire movie and films this fun are more rare that tits on a fish, so under no circumstances should you miss this one. This also unsurprisingly proved to be box office gold and was kinda/sorta remade the following year as…

THE FEARLESS HYENA (1979)

Pretty much the same as the previous two — though not quite as good — but worth checking out if you can’t find the other two. Plus it has what may be the first time we see Jackie in drag.

WHEELS ON MEALS (1984)

Typical of Chan’s mid-1980’s output, this entry greatly benefits from the presence of Jackie’s “brothers” from his Peking Opera school days, namely Sammo Hung and Yuen Biao. Shot in Spain and placing a distinct emphasis on comedy rather than action, this film goes down in history for the riotous final half hour in which the heroes engage in melee combat with a series of opponents, most memorably when Jackie takes on Benny “the Jet” Urquidez in a fight that rivals the Bruce Lee/Chuck Norris match in RETURN OF THE DRAGON.

Trust me and skip straight to the last half hour, and you will not be disappointed.

DRUNKEN MASTER II (1994)

Up there with THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK and THE GODFATHER PART 2 as a sequel that may be better than the film that spawned it and makes you say, “Holy FUCK! That was a KICKASS movie!,” this fifteen-years-later sequel is simply amazing from start to finish and is considered by some to be the finest martial arts film ever made. I don’t agree with that assessment, but this sure is one entertaining mammajamma and a more than worthy companion to the original. I won’t recap the plot in order to save the surprises for the first time viewer, but if you can, track down the Hong Kong version since the American release — titled LEGEND OF DRUNKEN MASTER — chops off the politically incorrect ending in which our hero has quite by necessity drunk himself into a broadly-played state of mental retardation. As a catalog of stunning beatdowns this film is hard to surpass and may actually be a bit more palatable to the layman than the original because of the slicker, faster production values.

Now that you have the skinny on the gods of kung fu cinema, here are a few picks that may or may not be found at your local Cocksucker, er, Blockbuster Video, but each has virtues that make them all special and a lot of fun, so here we go:

13 EVIL BANDITS (1979-aka FLYING CLAW AGAINST 14 DEMONS and AGAINST THE DRUNKEN CAT PAWS)

Chia Ling — also known in the West as Judy Lee — stars here as a badassed kung fu chick who gets two poisoned darts fired directly into her eyeballs and spends the rest of the movie doing the DRUNKEN MASTER thing and getting ripped to the tits on rice wine, a prescribed treatment that is guaranteed to cure her blindness (???). Yeah, she’s blind, but that doesn’t stop her from kicking the ass of pretty much everyone she encounters. In fact, if we weren’t told that she’s blind we’d never have known it. There’s also a nearly incomprehensible main plot that has something to do with a bunch of bad guys out to get revenge on the magistrate who imprisoned their leader (I think), the inevitable final melee that involves an over-the-top comedic government official who may be cinema’s only pipe-smoking kung fu flaming homosexual badass, the bizarre antics of “the Poison Dwarf,” and there’s even a ludicrous romantic subplot in which the male half of the couple turns into a demon, complete with Sub-Mariner eyebrows, for no adequately explained reason. Feeling like it was edited by a weed whacker-wielding psycho on some bad brown acid, this film makes virtually no sense whatsoever but it’s lively as hell and never goes much longer than two or three minutes without a fight breaking out. In fact, this is what I’d imagine a kung fu movie lensed by a nine-year-old might look like and it even exudes a childlike sense of sheer fun.

LEGENDARY WEAPONS OF KUNG FU (aka LEGENDARY WEAPONS OF CHINA, 1982)

Considered in some circles to be the best kung fu film ever made — an opinion I do not share — this tells the story of a warrior cult who believe in a quasi-magical form of pugilism that will make them immune to bullets. Learning nothing from the deaths of wave after wave of ventilated adepts during tests against rifles fired at them at point blank range, the head of the cult orders the assassination of their former top instructor, now deemed a traitor thanks to his denouncing their belief in bulletproof kung fu as suicide and leaving the cult to become a recluse. The student sent to kill him has been brainwashed into a state of homicidal zealotry and it’s up to a female adept who has remained loyal to the former instructor to stop the assassin and/or find and warn the elder, both difficult tasks. When the assassin and the adept clash, it’s great fun as they both seek to accomplish their missions in secret while steering clear of an abbot who also wants to plant his foot in the former instructor’s ass. It all snowballs to the inevitable conclusion and to say more would spoil the surprises, but I will say that you get many incredible displays of classical kung fu styles performed by the cream of the Shaw Brothers studio crop.

THE STREET FIGHTER (1974)

Attention comics geeks! Poster by comics legend Nick Cardy.

This is without question my favorite martial arts film that doesn’t have a classical setting and is also my absolute favorite karate flick. The incomparable Sonny Chiba stars as Terry Tsurugi, a lethally skilled thug for hire in 1974 Tokyo who must protect an oil heiress from the combined forces of the Mafia and the Yakuza (who for some reason are said to be based in Hong Kong, which would actually make them Triads, but why quibble?). That’s pretty much the basic plot, but as the story unfolds we get to know Tsurugi and see the source of his animalistic rage, a rage that is frequently expressed in a graceless ballet of maiming, bones broken in x-ray and spewing blood, all of which won the film the first MPAA-assigned X rating for graphic violence. Not for the squeamish or easily offended, this is an exploitation milestone and should be seen at least once.

And Sonny Chiba’s performance is simply unforgettable.

KIDS FROM SHAOLIN (1984-aka SHAOLIN TEMPLE 2)

An early Jet Li film, this is a charming and light-hearted comedy/romance about two families who live on opposite sides of a river; one family has nothing but sons, the other nothing but daughters and all of them are masters of kung fu. Li shines as the eldest son and the two families continually war against each other in an effort to see whose style is better. The fu on display is exemplary, particularly that of Li and a kid called “Monkey Boy” and it all comes to a head when an army of bandits attempt to abduct the girls. The would-be abduction ignites a twenty-minute martial arts free-for-all replete with flying limbs and spectacular weapons forms that must be seen to be believed.

MY YOUNG AUNTIE (1981)

Beautiful Shaw Brothers regular Hui Ying Hung gets her only headlining role as a proper, traditionally-raised girl from the country who marries a man old enough to be her father, much to the chagrin of his Western-influenced son.

The foxy-as-hell awesomeness of Hui Ying Hung. I mean, day-um!!!

Our heroine must endure her new nephew’s disapproval and attempts to get her to leave, all while trying to adapt to a more sophisticated life with modern trappings. And as if that wasn’t enough, she also has to thwart a plot to screw over the government. Good thing she also happens to be a hardcore kung fu phenom! The film culminates in a multi-person nonstop kung fu brawl that goes on for over a half hour — seriously! — and is so exhausting that I had to stop the DVD about halfway through to take a break.

SEVEN BLOWS OF THE DRAGON (1972-aka THE WATER MARGIN)

Imported by Warner Brothers at the beginning of the Seventies kung fu movie boom, this Shaw Brothers epic tells the story of the Mountain Bandits, a bunch of Robin Hood-esque folk heroes, and their rescue of the unjustly imprisoned Jade Dragon, a pole fighting master who is framed for treason by his adulterous wife and the steward of his house. Loaded with colorful characters — Black Whirlwind and Young Dragon steal the movie — and crazy fights, this is more fun than it has any right to be and includes a scene where a bad guy warns one of his men against the technique of one of the heroes thusly: “Watch out! The Double-Kick of Death!!!,” at which point the wielder of the aforementioned technique proceeds to kick the guy THREE times. Entertaining as a motherfucker.

CHINESE SUPER NINJAS (1982-aka SUPER NINJAS and FIVE ELEMENT NINJA)

It’s the old Chinese versus Japanese thing again, but this time it’s in the hands of infamous director Chang Cheh, widely and not unfairly hailed as the most bloodthirsty of the Shaw Brothers helmers. A bunch of sneaky ninjas slowly decimate a Chinese kung fu school with the help of a female spy and “the five element ninjas,” and the one surviving student escapes to train in a style specifically designed to defeat the five elements. Old school kung fu at its best and the final fight against the master ninja has a shockingly explosive ending that was understandably edited for television airings in the 1980's.

FIVE DEADLY VENOMS (1978-aka THE FIVE VENOMS)

The five students of the Poison Clan have left the temple and entered the outside world, and their aging master sends his last pupil to find out what has become of them. What’s the big deal, you may ask? Well, the five students are each masters of individual skills that grant them superhuman powers to complement their prodigious kung fu expertise; there’s the Toad (invulnerability), the Snake (penetrating strikes), the Centipede (multiple fist attacks), the Scorpion (stunning kicking prowess) and the Lizard (ability to cling to walls like Spider-Man and kick your ass at the same time), all of whom were groomed in evil skills that if misused could threaten the world at large. The remaining pupil has been schooled in a bit of each technique and must determine if the Venoms are using their abilities for good or ill, and if they have become villains they must be stopped, which is only possible by allying with at least one of the wayward Venoms. Much intrigue and creative violence ensues, culminating in an outrageous fight with the Lizard standing on the wall and kicking ass.

MARTIAL CLUB (1984-aka INSTRUCTORS OF DEATH)

A character study of two warring schools who each seek the spotlight position in a traditional lion dance festival, this film features several great fights but really focuses on the importance of taking one’s training seriously and not using it for purposes of showing off, a lesson painfully learned by one of the protagonists.

MASTER KILLER (1978-aka THE 36TH CHAMBER OF SHAOLIN)

One of the best Shaw Brothers films and unquestionably the film that made Gordon Liu a star, this recounts the supposedly true story of San Te, the man who brought Shaolin kung fu to the outside world. Basically a feature-length look at one man’s years-long training for the cause of justice, the film holds the viewer riveted from start to finish, each frame made more involving due to Liu’s ultra-expressive, sad-eyed visage. The kung fu is exquisite and the hero’s accidental invention of the three-sectional staff is a gem. This is a perfect film to show to people who aren’t into martial arts films since the movie intimately focuses on San Te’s personal struggle, a struggle that just happens to involve half a decade’s grueling study in the killing arts.

SHAOLIN CHALLENGES NINJA (1979-aka HEROES OF THE EAST)

A young man (Gordon Liu) dreads entering into an arranged marriage with the daughter of his father's Japanese business partner. That is until he sees his cute-as-hell bride. The two marry and all goes swimmingly until the wife is revealed to be a mistress of the Japanese fighting arts, a fact that ignites an ongoing battle between the spouses over which is better, Chinese kung fu or Japanese budo. The two square off over hand-to-hand skills and swordsmanship, with the husband soundly defeating the wife, while smugly gloating over Chinese superiority the whole time. Having had enough, the wife attacks her husband with ninja trickery and defeats him, which leads her husband to denounce her abilities as "murder" and not martial arts. Thoroughly offended, the wife promptly leaves her husband and returns to her family home, and at his servant's insistence the husband gets shitfaced drunk and writes his wife a scathing letter that pisses all over Japanese martial arts. The letter is intercepted by her male relatives, each one a hardcore master, and HOO BOY!!! are they pissed off. The Japanese masters then show up at the husband's home, declaring that each of them will take him on one at a time each day in order to disprove his insulting comments. What ensues is a joy to behold as Gordon Liu puts his money where his mouth is and kicks much Rising Sun ass while simultaneously gaining his in-laws' respect and winning over his fiercely traditional wife (she stops wearing her formal kimono and adopts Chinese garb while cheering him on; not exactly subtle storytelling, but it works). Nobody gets killed and the film ends on a note of two proud cultures reaching an understanding, something you never see in a Chinese versus Japanese scenario. Perhaps the perfect martial arts date movie because love — and being a total badass — conquers all.

MAD MONKEY KUNG FU (1979)

One of the all-time classics, this one relates the story of a Peking opera performer who enjoys his wine a bit too much and endures great tragedy as a result. The hero performs tales of the legendary Monkey King onstage with his beautiful sister (the toothsome Hui Ying Hung) and unfortunately the girl’s beauty arouses the lust of a local whorehouse owner (played by perennial all-purpose bad guy Lo Lei, here seen in a rare appearance without his trademark long white wig and beard) who frames the hero for drunkenly raping his concubine. Protesting his innocence, the hero is sentenced to death but is saved when his sister offers to become the brothel owner’s woman (you know what that means), but the bad guy is such an outright son of a bitch that he needlessly and sadistically adds injury to insult by having the innocent actor’s hands savagely crippled. The story then skips ahead a few years to find the actor now barely scraping out a living as a candy salesman, aided by his pet monkey. The hero soon attracts an unwanted sidekick in the form of "Monkey," a young street urchin whose apelike demeanor earned him his nickname, and the two soon come to depend on each other. When local ruffians kill his real monkey after he is unable to pay protection money, the hero trains Monkey to take the place of his pet. While working at another job to bring in extra cash, Monkey catches sight of the hero’s sexually enslaved sister and attempts to rescue her. After the inevitable ass-kicking, Monkey begs the actor to train him in monkey kung fu so he can save the sister, plunging the story into a grueling training sequence. After much intense hard work, Monkey proves to be a natural prodigy at the simian style and he and his master storm the whorehouse to lay down some righteous payback. Unquestionably one of the most satisfying revenge flicks, this is stunning in every way.

Honorable mention: YES, MADAM (1985) and RIGHTING WRONGS (1986)

Both of these are recommended due to the presence of Cynthia Rothrock, a petite blonde American kung fu champ who can outfight any man. YES, MADAME pairs her with a young Michelle Yeoh (CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON)

and the final fight scene is fucking incredible, so much so that it has been known to make non-believers fans of kung fu movies.

RIGHTING WRONGS pairs Rothrock with Yuen Biao, but for all intents and purposes Rothrock owns the film, especially during her blistering fight with the equally badassed Karen Shepard. Both films are definitely worth checking out for the awesome fights, but both have dated badly and bear all the visual earmarks of mid-1980’s action cinema that very quickly became quite tired.

And with that, let me remind you to add any of your own picks to the comments section.