THINKING ABOUT ME MUM

I hate having reached a point in life where I worry that my latest phone chat with my mother might be our last. She's three months shy of turning ninety, with all of the expected physical woes of one in their frail dotage, plus enduring the effects of her near-fatal car accent of seven years ago that fucked up the function of her hands for good. (They still work, but delicate use of her fingers for stuff like crocheting is over.) She lives alone, though she is regularly looked in on by church friends, some people she knows up the street, and the couple next door who have become family, plus two dear friends of mine whom I have known since grade school have her back, so she is not without folks keeping an eye on her. That said, whenever I call her and I get no immediate answer — she's usually at home and on the family room couch, watching endless hours of CNN and MSNBC — I get a cold chill as I wonder could this be it? Could she not be answering because her time is finally up?

All of this came to mind because I just called her and got the voicemail. She is likely out with friends at a local event, so I am probably worrying over nothing. When Mildred finally goes, I guarantee you that it will be in a hospital bed with as much pomp and circumstance as is the wont of her lineage. (Drama queens the lot of them.)

Those of you who know my mother in the real world and also know of the turbulent history of my relationship with her over the decades have witnessed me go from bearing borderline hatred for her to understanding of why she is the way she is to forgiveness, and ultimately acceptance of what I cannot change. Mildred is what Mildred is, and that's that. I may only be able to be in her presence for a limited time before she drives me crazy, but never let it be said that I do not love my mother. She did the best she could with the tools she was given, and she survived a living hell from Day One, so she is a warrior whose example I unconsciously absorbed over the years. Upon the realization of that absorption, I excised the negative aspects and channeled her positive and strong superpowers into making me a better and stronger human being. For that I will be eternally grateful.

But now I await her callback...