THE LAYOFF LITANY

Coming as no kind of surprise — it was just a question of when — my place of employ let go five of its employees last Thursday (two of whom remain on staff until the end of the year) and even though I believe myself to be somewhat secure thanks to the services I provide I'm still sitting here with a bit of a knot in my stomach.

I've been through the layoff dance a couple of times and I probably don't have to tell you that it's a major downer for all of a workplace's staffers, leaving those who remain after the axings with a sense of survivor's guilt but also with a feeling of tension and possibly impending doom. It kills kills morale stone dead and hampers productivity, and no matter how much the higher-ups may make promises to the contrary there are always cuts to be made in these uncertain economic times. At least here at the design 'ho house there is no blatant psychological cruelty involved in the layoffs; when Marvel Comics ended up in Chapter 11 in the 1990's, the powers that be over there tried to put a ludicrous positive spin on things by giving the corporate clear-cutting the catchy name "Marvelution," and some of the people from the floors that had a clue as to who was up for the chop during the long cycle of culling would actually brush past some of us Bullpenners in the hallway and cryptically tell us things like "I'd get ready for something heavy today if I were you" and other such uncalled-for bits of torment, putting us into even more of an agitated state than we already were. And despite such dire "warnings" the layoffs would sometimes not come for weeks, leaving people fucked up and scared throughout, but at least some of the suits got their jollies...

Sheer assholism.

In fact, if I remember the dates correctly, it took some three or four years from the announcement of Marvelution before I got let go after nearly nine years of service, so we're talking years' worth of uncertainty and anxiety.

But this time around, should the axe fall upon my beige neck I'm ready for it and I'll just have to man up and sell boy-pussy in videos with titles like BEEF CHUNX 'N' GRAVY or BEARS' NIGHT OUT.

TROPIC THUNDER (2008)-DIRECTOR'S CUT

Kirk Lazarus (Robert Downey Jr.) as Sgt. Lincoln Osiris .

Okay, TROPIC THUNDER was funny enough in the theatrical version, so how do you top that for the DVD release? The answer is simple: make good on a joke from the film, namely insane Aussie uber-method actor Kirk Lazarus' (Robert Downey Jr.) comment that he wouldn't drop character as black soldier Sgt. Lincoln Osiris until he'd finished doing the DVD commentary, and that's exactly what you get with the director's cut. Downey does the entire commentary track in character as Osiris (despite being referred to constantly as "Robert" by his co-stars), and it's damned near impossible not to laugh your ass off as he rocks a ridiculous "black" voice throughout, commenting not only on the movie itself but also on his co-stars, Ben Stiller and Jack Black, saving special abuse for Black who had the gall to show up late for the track's recording. And as if that wasn't crazy enough, he also provides the vocie for when Lazarus as Osiris does the voice of a Vietnamese rice farmer that the character impersonates, and then he drops into character as straight-up Aussie Kirk Lazarus when Lazarus drops character as Osiris. finally finishing the last five minutes or so of the commentary as Robert Downey Jr.! This is a rare case where not only is the movie worth buying on DVD, the looney commentary actually adds to the fun, so this gets an offical Vault of Buncheness nod for going above and beyond in giving the movie fan more than their money's worth. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

FIRSTHAND REPORT ON LAST NIGHT'S NYC STAR TREK SCREENING

The Original Series crew, caught in the wake of Scotty after some four-alarm meat-lover's chili and a triple order of cheese fries.

My former roommate and Marvel Bullpen colleague Glenn Greenberg — the James Mason to my MANDINGO — was at the NYC preview screening for the upcoming JJ Abrams STAR TREK reboot screening last night and here's what he had to say:

I was at the NYC screening last night of four scenes from the new Star Trek movie. JJ Abrams hosted the event and introduced each of the scenes. I was in the front row and sat about 5 feet away from Abrams. The entire presentation took about 50 minutes. I was surprised by how much was shown.

Afterwards, I met Harry Knowles of Ain't It Cool News. Nice guy, pleasure to talk to.

So here's the lowdown:

JJ Abrams said right off the bat that he had never been a fan of Star Trek. As a kid, a friend of his who really loved TOS tried to get him into it, but he never connected with it on an emotional level.

He was as surprised as anyone when he automatically accepted Paramount's offer to produce a new Star Trek movie. In working with his creative team, consisting of both lifelong fans of Trek and people who had never seen the shows or the movies, he realized that he really loved the story they came up with and decided that he would not only produce it, but direct it, as well. Now, having worked on the film and gotten to know the characters and the universe intimately, he says that he truly loves Star Trek.

One of his goals, he said, was to make everything seem as realistic and plausible as possible, because, unlike Star Wars, which is set "a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away," Star Trek is supposed to represent our future. And he wanted to show a future that the audience could relate to and understand.

It seemed clear to me that his intent was to make this film as appealing to non-fans as possible. Abrams went out of his way to explain to the audience things like what Vulcan was, what the Federation was, just in case they were not familiar with the franchise.

At one point, he was introducing one of the clips that focused on Kirk and mistakenly referred to the character as Spock. He corrected himself by saying, "No, not Spock... uh... the other guy." He smirked, chuckled and added, "No, it's Kirk--I knew it, I knew it."

All in all, I found Abrams to be pretty sincere, enthusiastic, and proud of his work and his cast and crew.

So, my thoughts based on the four clips:

- It's going to be a big, bright film with an epic scope and a lot of intense action and suspense. The woman sitting next to me even gasped and put her hands over her mouth during one of the fight scenes we watched.

- The actors seem to have been well cast.

My prediction is that the breakout character in this movie will be Zoe Saldana's Uhura. She's absolutely gorgeous--you can't take your eyes off of her. She carries herself extremely well, projects an air of confidence and ability, has a lovely speaking voice, and has good chemistry with Chris Pine's Kirk. It's a really strong performance.

Chekov provides some in-jokey comic relief, but has a really cute heroic moment where he shines.

Sulu has a major sequence with Kirk in which I think he has more to do than he did in all six TOS movies combined.

Karl Urban has a moment where he positively channels DeForest Kelly, and he does it with nothing more than a nervous raise of his eyebrow. You can tell that Urban studied at least some of the nuances of Kelly's performances as McCoy. I should note that Urban's McCoy is much more INTENSE and high-strung than Kelly's, but maybe the rationale is that McCoy calmed down a bit as he got older and more experienced.

Simon Pegg's Scotty seems more playful, manic, and mischievous than James Doohan's.

I'm not completely sold yet on Zachary Quinto as Spock. I think I need to see a bit more of his performance before making a firm assessment. He seems okay, not bad. On a related note: As you can see in the advance publicity photo and the footage from the trailer, an angry Spock attacks Kirk. This seems to be a major story point, and it may be a reference to the fact that the young Spock was not in full control of his emotions. This may be a way to tie in with the Spock from the first pilot, who smiled, got agitated easily, and tended to shout in moments of crisis. ("The women!!!!!") Or not.

I was surprised that we got to see any footage of Leonard Nimoy as Spock, but we did. He looks old. I mean OLD. Which is odd, because Leonard Nimoy doesn't look too bad for his age. So Abrams must really want Spock to look ANCIENT in this movie. I'm not too thrilled with the Spock makeup. The eyebrows aren't consistent with what we've seen in the past, and the ears look a little too big and thick. Me, I would've tried to just recreate the look from the TV series and then add gray hair and lots of wrinkles. Also, Nimoy's voice seems much more raspy now. That said, it seems like Leonard Nimoy is having a good time playing Spock again. There's a warmth and comfort that he shows in his performance that I don't think we've really seen since STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KHAN.

Bruce Greenwood is very effective as Captain Pike. His performance is more or less consistent with Jeffrey Hunter's.

Finally, Chris Pine seems effective as James Kirk. As with Quinto, I'm not completely sold yet, but I could be, once I see more of his performance. He has good chemistry with Zoe Saldana and Karl Urban. In the footage that was shown, he and Quinto's Spock are mostly at odds with each other, with sparks flying between them. Pine carries himself well during the action and fight scenes, and he's good in portraying a rough- around-the-edges Kirk who hasn't quite mastered his notorious magic with the ladies. He is also good during the more comedic moments, which include his negative reactions to McCoy's hypo injections. His interactions with Greenwood's Captain Pike are good, and there's one particular moment between Pine's Young Kirk and Nimoy's Old Spock that is really quite touching.

- The exterior of the Enterprise looks bulky and clunky, especially the warp nacelles. I can only hope that at the end of the movie, they show the ship being repaired and fitted with new, sleek nacelles. (Wouldn't mind seeing them replace the secondary hull too, but that might be too much to ask for.)

- The interiors of the Enterprise are BIG. They look far bigger and more spacious than ever before--which actually might be closer to what Roddenberry envisioned. He didn't like Nicholas Meyer's "submarine" aesthetic for the Enterprise, with crewmembers sharing quarters and sleeping in bunkbeds.

- Continuity is maintained, in the sense that Kirk is from Iowa and his middle name is Tiberius. Spock is from Vulcan and his mother is human and his father is Vulcan. Chekov's full name is Pavel Andreivich Chekov. Scotty's first name is Montgomery. Captain Pike commanded the Enterprise before James Kirk.

BUT--

All diehards and anal-retentives better go into this expecting a whole new ballgame, or it's going to be a very unpleasant experience. It's very clear that Abrams and Co. play fast and loose with Star Trek history, to say the least.

Just from the four scenes we saw, I could tell that elements and details from "Balance of Terror" and even "The Menagerie" have been rendered null and void. Starfleet is apparently well aware that the Vulcans and the Romulans are related. The quasi-canonical Captain Robert April? Forget about him. Pike is the first commander of the Enterprise, because he takes command upon the ship's completion.

Depending on how the film ends (I don't know whether Pike remains in command of the Enterprise at the conclusion or we actually see Kirk take over as captain), Pike's original visit to Talos IV may no longer be part of the history, or the fact that Spock served on the Enterprise under Pike for 11-plus years before the switchover to Kirk.

Overall, I suspect that people who like Star Trek but who don't have encyclopedic knowledge of it (my wife, for example) won't be bothered by any of this. If it's a well-acted movie with great special effects and a good story, chances are that they'll like it. Hell, I might even find myself liking it, as long as I force myself to see it as a new, completely separate entity--a full reboot, as much as John Byrne's MAN OF STEEL was for Superman--instead of a proper canonical prequel. And of course, people sampling Star Trek for the first time with this movie won't know that anything has been changed or contradicted.

I have a feeling that anyone trying to connect this neatly with previously established TOS is gonna go nuts.

So... is it going to be a hit or a bomb? Can't say yet. From what I saw, it looks like it will be a well-made, well-acted, fun adventure.

But one thing's for sure: it will only be a hit if it attracts more than just the Star Trek fans. Abrams is clearly aiming to bring in a new audience, and he's right to do so. Will he alienate the core audience in the process? Will it matter if he does? Only time will tell.

Greenberg out!

A PLEA TO ANONYMOUS COMMENTATORS

Dear Vaulties-

I know there's the option to leave anonymous comments here on the Vault, but why not identify yourself in some form when you comment? Fake names are okay, and maybe even encouraged 'cause they can be fun, but the anonymous thing just seems kind of cold to me. I like knowing who my readers are, even with pseudonyms, so I can attach a name to a singular style of feedback.

Anyway, it would be nice because if people have the bravery to leave comments — even scathing ones, which I post BTW — I think they should also have the bravery to make themselves known in some way. I tend to avoid getting into back-and-forth vitriolic warfare with people if we have a difference of opinion since I don't really see the point (and I leave such stuff to you, the readers), so please feel free to identify yourself as Dr. Poltroon McSnickerdoodle for all I care, just gimme some kind of name.

Thanks for your continued readership!

-Yer Bunche

TROLL 2 (1990)

Have you ever seen a movie so incredibly, jaw-droppingly bad that it gave you what I like to call a "what the fuck?!!?" moment? I hadn't seen one in quite some time, but this weekend I sat through TROLL 2 and was simply amazed by its complete and utter wretchedness. It's totally amateurish in every way, but unlike the majority of bad Hollywood "product" movies, TROLL 2 is entertaining as hell and definitely worth wasting your time on.

Having absolutely nothing to do with TROLL (1986), the story, such as it is, tells the "scary" tale of a family of total non-actors who journey to the rural town of "Nilbog" (oh, puh-leeze!) and discover the place to be a nest of supremely bogus-looking goblins played by a bunch of dwarves in tatty costumes designed by Laura Gemser. Yes, dear Vaulties, the very same Laura Gemser who starred in such classics of softcore cinema as BLACK EMANUELLE (1975), EMANUELLE ON TABOO ISLAND (1976), EMANUELLE AND THE LAST CANNIBALS (1977), EMANUELLE AND THE WHITE SLAVE TRADE (1978), UNLEASHED PERVERSIONS OF EMANUELLE (1983), and that favorite of bad sword & sorcery fans everywhere, ATOR, THE FIGHTING EAGLE (1982).

Laura Gemser: skin-flick mainstay and TROLL 2's special effects costume designer. No, seriously!

The family and other assorted characters (translation: "goblin fodder") must stay one step ahead of the evil goblins who, in a bizarre (and pointless) twist, are vegetarians who use a magic green goo to transform their prey into plants before they chow down on them; in one memorable instance a nerdy teen is turned into a tree and takes root on a clay pot exactly like what you'd find at a garden supply shop, only to meet his fate at the hands of the chain saw-wielding goblin queen — a character named Creedence Leonore Gielgud — who's actually a witch from Stonehenge or something.

The incredible Deborah Reed as scenery-devouring goblin queen Creedence Leonore Gielgud.

No joke, Creedence is one of the most over-the-top flagrantly poorly-acted characters in film history, and I love her. Just how bad is actress Deborah Reed in essaying this part? Let's put it this way: imagine the witch at a local junior high's Halloween haunted house that's been set up in the school's basketball court, as played by some baked hippie chick with no previous acting experience that they'd conscripted from off the street and told to go completely apeshit with her conception of "scary," and you'll only scratch the surface of the thespic anti-wonders to be had here. There's even a truly mind-boggling bit in which Creedence seduces one of a group of annoying and horny teenage boys by materializing from out of the TV the idiot was watching and manifesting as a sexy, lingerie-clad spank fantasy made flesh, complete with black stockings and an ear of corn.

"Gosh, Mrs. Robinson! Whatcha gonna do with that ear of corn?"

The two thrash about on a couch as they French through the ear of corn (?), their passion becoming so hot that the scene explodes in a shower of popcorn.

The most ludicrous seduction scene in cinema history? You decide!

No, really! I swear on my Devo albums that I'm not making up any of this! And I've neglected to mention that the boring and grossly untalented family who serve as the protagonists in this mess have a son who keeps receiving lore about goblins and advice on how to deal with them from his dead grandpa, the chief nugget of wisdom being not to eat any food proffered by the townsfolk of Nilbog (*snicker*). So when the family sits down to feast on an assortment of goodies that look like somebody overdid it with the green food dye and Play-Doh, the kid has to come up with a way to stop his famished family from eating and save them from turning into plants, so on the spot he settles on whipping it out and giving their repast a major golden shower (which we thankfully don't actually see transpire).

"How about a little butter for that corn, Sis?"

That act of micturational martyrdom results in what could be the film's signature quote, coming from the irate dad: "You can't piss on hospitality! I won't allow it!!!"

Those are just some of the horrendously-acted highlights in the film, and after seeing it I did a little research and was astounded (but not really all that surprised) to discover that TROLL 2 has a huge and steadily growing cult following as the "greatest bad movie ever made." That's a pretty lofty anti-accolade and I'm not sure what film would really deserve that title, but TROLL 2 is definitely among the curdled cream of the bad movie crop and is head-and-shoulders more entertaining than just about any other genuinely bad film you can name. There's even a documentary about it entitled BEST WORST MOVIE, supposedly due out by the end of the year and directed by Michael Stephenson, the former child actor who so memorably whipped it out and let fly all over the family's meal in the film, and I can't wait to see it. As truly awful movies go, TROLL 2 should definitely be experienced by one and all, and you just have to give it up for any movie entitled TROLL 2 that features not even one troll in its entire running time.

The stunning handiwork of former-Emanuelle Laura Gemser.

OOPS!!!

Before QUANTUM OF SOLACE unspooled this past Friday, moviegoers were subjected to the usual assortment of questionable trailers as a preamble to the feature film — for example, FAST & FURIOUS, featuring the cast of the initial installment in the annoying THE FAST & THE FURIOUS series and rocking the tag line "New model, original parts" — and among these was the first trailer for the upcoming old school STAR TREK reboot that showed actual content from the movie itself rather than teaser imagery. I was psyched about the new movie since it features characters that I've loved since childhood and I think Zachary Quinto makes for an interesting young version of the iconic Spock, but the more I see of the flick, especially after seeing the trailer, it looks like what I've been calling STAR TREK 90210, and as of now the only reason I have any interest in seeing the movie is to witness what will most likely be Leonard Nimoy's final turn as the beloved Vulcan. The movie just looks as plastic as any other Hollywood franchise and I have to admit being saddened by that, but all things must pass and maybe this will be where I finally bid the Federation adieu.

Which brings me to this morning.

As I was running some proofs over to one of my company's designers, a respected co-worker and fellow geek asked me if I'd seen the new STAR TREK trailer, a question that prompted one of my signature vitriolic explosions. "Did I see it?" I answered. "Oh, I saw it alright, and it fucking bit the big one!" My fellow geek nodded knowingly, but before we could explore our irritation any further we noticed wild gesticulations from the office of the two sales guys behind us. They waved their arms at us with looks of horror on their faces and told us to shut the fuck up because one of the guys behind the new STAR TREK movie was in the conference room right next to us, engaged in conversation with our boss about that very trailer. Luckily for us the conversation between the boss and the TREK dude was very enthusiastic so my comments were not heard. Good thing too, because the guy in the conference room was none other than J.J Abrams, co-creator of LOST, writer of ARMAGEDDON, and producer of CLOVERFIELD among other things, and currently the producer and director of STAR TREK.

As previously stated, I did not get busted, but can't people around the office give a guy a heads-up? Sheesh!

BACK IN THE DAYS WITH DAME JUDI DENCH

Dame Judi Dench has been one of England's most celebrated actors for decades, joining the Royal Shakespeare Company in the early 1960's and kicking much thespic ass ever since, but she's perhaps best known to us Joe Sixpack's as James Bond's boss, M, a role she's played to great effect six times — even if the particular Bond flick isn't all that — starting with 1995's GOLDENEYE. I dig Dame Judi a hell of a lot, thoroughly enjoying her keen acting chops and striking features (my God, those piercing blue eyes!), so I'm dying to see her back in the days of her time with the RSC as Titania, queen of the fairies in William Shakespeare's A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM.

I mean, what's not to like about a stunningly elegant Dench in Elizabethan gear, a fetching hairdo and pointed ears? Perhaps the only way to beat that would be to have the character redesigned a la a Brian Froud-ish organic/nature spirit line and have Dench play her more or less nekkid and slathered in green makeup from head to toe...

Oh, wait! They did that in 1968 and it's available on DVD, so as soon as I can get my hands on it I'll get back to you with a review.

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE: MONOPOLY...THE MOVIE

Coming soon to a theater near you!

Just when I thought that Hollywood could never outdo itself in its day-to-day proving that it's completely and totally out of ideas, a feature film based on the venerable board game MONOPOLY is in the works and none other than Ridley Scott, the visionary behind ALIEN and BLADE RUNNER, is reportedly attached as producer and possibly director. The future predicted in Mike Judge's ever-more-prophetic IDIOCRACY is looming that much nearer, so it's only a matter of time until ASS actually makes its way to the big screen.

More on the fucking ridiculous MONOPOLY flick can be found at

http://io9.com/5084881/ridley-scotts-futuristic-monopoly-movie-should-not-pass-go (I would have placed it as a clickable link, but I'm having some technical issues.)

QUANTUM OF SOLACE (2008)

Let’s cut right to the chase with three words: wait for cable.

After the visceral impact of CASINO ROYALE and what was considered by many to be a creative rebirth of the 007 franchise, the middling entertainment found in QUANTUM OF SOLACE comes as quite a disappointment. Those who complained about CASINO ROYALE’s surfeit of character development and emotional content at the expense of action will be pleased to see that the new Bond film reverses that equation and provides the viewer with action set piece after action set piece and nary a moment to catch its breath.

For the first time in the series’ history the new Bond movie is a direct sequel to its predecessor, opening about an hour after the events seen at the end of CASINO ROYALE and dropping us into the middle of an insane car chase in Italy. After bringing in for questioning the guy whose kneecaps he shot off in the previous installment's coda, Bond (Daniel Craig in full-on scowl mode) promises M (Judi Densch) that he won’t go crazy-ape-bonkers and seek revenge on whoever it was who killed his lover/betrayer, Vesper Lynde. But then an unexpected assassination attempt nearly claims his boss’ life so Bond sets out on an odyssey of willy-nilly killing in order to discover who’s responsible (and in the process find out who killed Vesper anyway). So once again Bond goes rogue, then there’s some business involving a vengeance-seeking hottie (Olga Kurylenko) and her evil boyfriend (Mathieu Amalric, looking disturbingly like a slightly defective clone of Gary Oldman) who has a nasty plan that the CIA is in bed with, but that’s pretty much all the plot you get as the film piles on endless action scenes edited in that all-too-common quick-cut style that’s damned near seizure-inducing and actually gave me a headache. There’s a “free running” sequence that more or less repeats the one from CASINO ROYALE, a thoroughly lame boat chase, and there’s even an obvious nod to Shirley Eaton’s famous gilded demise in GOLDFINGER, the deceased posed identically only this time covered in crude oil, but who cares? The film is loud, uninvolving (at least to me) and very much a mediocre, by-the-numbers 007 outing, but at least it’s mercifully short at 106 minutes (far shorter than the majority of James Bond movies).

I’ve definitely seen worse movies — hell, I’ve seen far worse Bond movies — but once again a major studio film felt like I was watching someone else playing a video game, but unlike most other films that struck me that way, QUANTUM OF SOLACE’s entire running time exemplified my video game complaint as opposed to that effect being felt only in a sequence or two. Hopefully the next film will strike a happy balance between solid story and blistering action, because this film was Bond for the Playstation generation and as a person who does not enjoy such perfunctory pyrotechnics I have to say I feel ripped off. I paid $12.50 to see it and feel I did not get my money’s worth, so QUANTUM OF SOLACE joins the ranks of A VIEW TO A KILL, DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER, THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS, OCTOPUSSY and THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH as a Bond film I have no intention of ever returning to.

Seriously, dear Vault readers, TRUST YER BUNCHE and wait for cable.

SHINOBI LIFE (2008)

If you're one of the people who knew me twenty years ago, you'll be surprised by what I'm about to say: I hate manga. I hate manga with a deep and fervent loathing, and for the past decade or so I have scrupulously avoided it like I would avoid unshielded toxic waste. Actually I should rephrase that to state that the manga I hate is the stuff generated during the past twenty years, work from an era just after the true greats of the field had either died, retired or moved on to other things. Perhaps I'm unfairly generalizing, but much of it has an assembly line sameness and visual blandness — characters that look like unfinished manikins — that doesn't register to me as illustration, and when I'm assigned to read it in my capacity as a reviewer for a certain weekly publishing-biz periodical I dread the stuff the way I dread swallowing hemlock, so imagine my surprise when I picked up this flowery-looking trifle, read it and did not feel the urge to commit seppuku.

An object lesson in not judging a book by its cover, creator Shoko Conami's romantic tale of time-displaced love across perceived class barriers features a compelling story that paradoxically benefits from its bland “girly” art style, allowing readers to focus on the much-better-than-expected characterizations. Feudal-era ninja bodyguard Kagetora finds himself inexplicably thrown forward in time and into the dysfunctional life of bratty rich girl Beni, a dead ringer for the princess he steadfastly protected in the past. The girl even bears the same name as his royal charge and, unaware that he’s been transported into the twenty-first century, assumes she’s the same person. Sticking close to the initially reluctant Beni, Kagetora discovers a web of familial intrigue surrounding her, and as they spend time together they experience the first stirrings of attraction. But as love threatens to blossom, the pair are ripped from the present and wind up in the past, about a year after Kagetora disappeared and face-to-face with the original Princess Beni, whereupon it’s revealed that she’s the modern day Beni’s ancestor. To say more would spoil the fun, but let it suffice to say there’s enough here to hold one’s interest and possibly lure readers back for more. I won't be returning to SHINOBI LIFE, but the fact that I was able to read it without loathing it in the least speaks volumes for its merits.