"Meh-tull!!!"
Meanwhile, in a basement in Wisconsin...
Okay, I need to know which one's supposed to represent the Virgin Mary...
Showing posts with label HOLIDAYS 2011. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HOLIDAYS 2011. Show all posts
Sunday, December 25, 2011
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE VAULT OF BUNCHENESS!!!
"Meh-tull!!!"Meanwhile, in a basement in Wisconsin...Okay, I need to know which one's supposed to represent the Virgin Mary...
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
IT'S A JOHN WATERS CHRISTMAS!!!
Last night I went to the John Waters Christmas show at B.B. Kings, and it was fucking hilarious. (I hope it was videotaped for home video posterity.) My friend Lexi and her sister, Ginna, took me and we had VIP seats that included a meet and greet with the Master, so during the show's Q&A section I got to tell him a couple of good ones about some memorable experiences with watching his movies. After the show, at the meet and greet, I was first on line and Waters actually recognized me from the several times I've seen him at NYC signings.
Anyway, it's always a good thing when you can give your favorite living director and major influence on your worldview a Christmas present. He collects books on all manner of horrible things, so I gave him my copy of They Lived on Human Flesh, the exploitative bus station bookshop ripoff of Alive — the infamous true story of the Uruguayan football team that crash-landed in the Andes and survived by resorting to cannibalism — and he was delighted to get it because he didn't have it. He was especially pleased that it has pictures!
Anyway, it's always a good thing when you can give your favorite living director and major influence on your worldview a Christmas present. He collects books on all manner of horrible things, so I gave him my copy of They Lived on Human Flesh, the exploitative bus station bookshop ripoff of Alive — the infamous true story of the Uruguayan football team that crash-landed in the Andes and survived by resorting to cannibalism — and he was delighted to get it because he didn't have it. He was especially pleased that it has pictures!
Thursday, December 01, 2011
CHRISTMAS EVIL-2011 EDITION
Yes, dear Vaulties, it's that time of year again and another Christmas CD has been concocted to counteract the annual force-feeding of treacly yuletide ditties that send me into a murderous state of apoplexy. The lineup hasn't changed much over the past couple of Christmas seasons, largely due to me not having found any new entries that really got me going, but many of the old perennials deservedly remain. In case you want to track all this stuff down online and download them for yourself, here are this year's selections:Santa Says... -Spine Punch
Christmas Is A-Comin'- The Shitbirds
Santa Claus Is Coming to Town-John Spence
Frosty The Dope Man-Knock Out
We Wish You a Hump At Christmas-Ron and the Rude Boys (a very filthy bunch of Brits)
Lick My Balls-Dirty Christmas Project A Drunk And Horribly Inappropriate Christmas
Merry F'n Christmas-Denis Leary
Feliz Navidad-Christmas With Beer
Don't Mess With My Tequila-Backstreet Girls
My Mother Gave Me A Gun For Christmas (Waltz Version)-Pork Dukes
Jack Shit- John Valby
A Wee Little Christmas Ditty-Drunken Stupor (this is the one about drunk driving)
A Christmas Warning-El Privates (in which women are considerately advised to expect getting raped this holiday season...?!!?)
Can I Please Crawl Down To Your Chimney?-Kenne Highland & His Vatican Sex Kittens
Homo Christmas-Pansy Division (exactly what it sounds like and catchy as hell)
Tiny Tim's Revenge-Knock Out Christmas
Deck The Halls-The Kickin' Kazoos (an incredibly annoying all-kazoo rendition)
Fuck You Santa Claus (Eat Shit Santa Claus)-Filthy ElvisYou Ain't Gettin' S*** For Christmas -Red Peters
We Wish You A Merry Christmas-Aaron Tucker (as Arnold Schwarzenegger)Christmas When You're Dead -Ralph Sinatra (sung from the POV of Frank Sinatra's corpse)
I'll Be Stoned For Christmas-John Valby (perhaps the most honest Christmas song ever recorded)Daddy Drank Our Christmas Money-TVTV$ (yes, the dollar sign is supposed to be there)
A Merry Jingle-The GreediesMerry Fucking Christmas-Mr. Garrison
Meth Lab Christmas-Acoustic FrontAnal Beads-Dirty Christmas Project (the gayest version of "Jingle Bells" imaginable)
Christmas With Bazooka Joe-The Fleshtones (this one gets extra points for originality/incongruity)The Most Wonderful Time in your Rear-Dirty Christmas Project
Feck Off You Drunken Gentleman -Ron and the Rude BoysStomping Through A Pillaged Wonderland-Vykyng
Death to the World-Mike Puccio (from the album "Zombie Christmas")Fuck Christmas-Eric Idle
Donny the Retard-Larry The Cable Guy
Donny the Retard-Larry The Cable Guy
Thursday, November 24, 2011
HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2011 FROM THE VAULT OF BUNCHENESS!
For all you newcomers out there, here is my annual Thanksgiving piece. Enjoy!
Some words of holiday advice:
1. You can survive your fucking annoying family. And if they piss you off too much, just remember that one day they will be dead.
2. Don't drink and drive, 'cause that shit's for amateurs and assholes. Stay at home to tie one on; why do you think Thanksgiving's an all-day festival of football, parades, movies, dog shows and marathons of classic TV reruns? It's a dazzling cathode ray cornucopia of stuff to keep the wasted off the streets and at home, puking, fucking and fighting right where they belong.
3. When encountering your old high school pals for what's probably the one time you'll see them all year, do not comment on how fat and/or old they look. That shit goes two ways, bunky...
4. If you must go to church during the holiday, make sure to go as hungover and reeking of booze as possible, that way next year they'll think twice before forcing you out of bed and into a place choked with incense and festooned with pictures of Jesus looking at your ass.
5. If your family gathering has a kiddie table, make sure to sit there and serve as a bad example to the next generation. Tell age-acceptable off-color jokes and stories. Teach the kids the lyrics to "The Diarrhea Song" (especially the version recorded by distaff punk/metal band Betty Blowtorch) and have them sing it loudly halfway through the meal. Introduce them to "pull my finger." In short, do your part to ensure your status as the fave older relative from the start; that way the kids won't feel so awkward in later years when they need somebody to take them to get an abortion or bail them out of jail without their parents being any the wiser. And believe me, they will pay back your "cool relative" kindness somewhere down the line.
6. Always, ALWAYS eat the turkey's tail. It's the perfect amount of dark meat, fat, and skin in one concentrated morsel and if slathered with the right amount of gravy it's a thing of joy forever (well, at least until it's digested and re-manifests itself as the next morning's enormous post-Turkey Day turd).
7. The true bombardment of Christmas-themed TV commercials commences right around Thanksgiving, so feel free to let loose with the Ribald Songbird action and desecrate the classic Yuletide tunes that have already been corrupted for TV adverts, only make them super-dirty with usages of words like "cocksucker," "shit," and "pussy fart." Since you're gonna hear them a million times between now and the new year anyway, you may as well have some fun with them.
8. If you have to suffer through the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade — the Thanksgiving moment I dread most — don't try to be an asshole and bring to your aging parents' attention the fact that it's nothing more than a saccharine, three-hour commercial. They like it for the marching bands, big-assed balloons, and celebs lip-synching and do not give a fuck about it's true purpose, so let them have their fun. And you can always have something to look forward to, namely the hope that the guy playing Santa at the end of the show will either be drunk or have a visible hard-on.
9. If you're staying at your parents' house with a significant other, try to remain as silent as possible if having sex under your folks' roof. I don't know why, but the idea of their kids having sex, even us grownup kids, seriously fucks with the heads of our progenitors. Then again, maybe you should fuck like monkeys on crack while at home...Aah, what the hell? Make 'em remember how it's done! And if they bitch about it, remind them of all the times they nagged you for grandkids and ask them if they forgot where said grandkids come from. That'll shut the geezers up in no time.
10. If the friends and loved ones you miss most can't be there this year, think of them fondly and rest assured that they're probably every bit as miserable as you are.
And with that, Happy Thanksgiving, and may the pecans in grandma's cookies actually be pecans and not roaches. (She doesn't see that well anymore, you know.)
Some words of holiday advice:1. You can survive your fucking annoying family. And if they piss you off too much, just remember that one day they will be dead.
2. Don't drink and drive, 'cause that shit's for amateurs and assholes. Stay at home to tie one on; why do you think Thanksgiving's an all-day festival of football, parades, movies, dog shows and marathons of classic TV reruns? It's a dazzling cathode ray cornucopia of stuff to keep the wasted off the streets and at home, puking, fucking and fighting right where they belong.
3. When encountering your old high school pals for what's probably the one time you'll see them all year, do not comment on how fat and/or old they look. That shit goes two ways, bunky...
4. If you must go to church during the holiday, make sure to go as hungover and reeking of booze as possible, that way next year they'll think twice before forcing you out of bed and into a place choked with incense and festooned with pictures of Jesus looking at your ass.
5. If your family gathering has a kiddie table, make sure to sit there and serve as a bad example to the next generation. Tell age-acceptable off-color jokes and stories. Teach the kids the lyrics to "The Diarrhea Song" (especially the version recorded by distaff punk/metal band Betty Blowtorch) and have them sing it loudly halfway through the meal. Introduce them to "pull my finger." In short, do your part to ensure your status as the fave older relative from the start; that way the kids won't feel so awkward in later years when they need somebody to take them to get an abortion or bail them out of jail without their parents being any the wiser. And believe me, they will pay back your "cool relative" kindness somewhere down the line.
6. Always, ALWAYS eat the turkey's tail. It's the perfect amount of dark meat, fat, and skin in one concentrated morsel and if slathered with the right amount of gravy it's a thing of joy forever (well, at least until it's digested and re-manifests itself as the next morning's enormous post-Turkey Day turd).
7. The true bombardment of Christmas-themed TV commercials commences right around Thanksgiving, so feel free to let loose with the Ribald Songbird action and desecrate the classic Yuletide tunes that have already been corrupted for TV adverts, only make them super-dirty with usages of words like "cocksucker," "shit," and "pussy fart." Since you're gonna hear them a million times between now and the new year anyway, you may as well have some fun with them.
8. If you have to suffer through the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade — the Thanksgiving moment I dread most — don't try to be an asshole and bring to your aging parents' attention the fact that it's nothing more than a saccharine, three-hour commercial. They like it for the marching bands, big-assed balloons, and celebs lip-synching and do not give a fuck about it's true purpose, so let them have their fun. And you can always have something to look forward to, namely the hope that the guy playing Santa at the end of the show will either be drunk or have a visible hard-on.
9. If you're staying at your parents' house with a significant other, try to remain as silent as possible if having sex under your folks' roof. I don't know why, but the idea of their kids having sex, even us grownup kids, seriously fucks with the heads of our progenitors. Then again, maybe you should fuck like monkeys on crack while at home...Aah, what the hell? Make 'em remember how it's done! And if they bitch about it, remind them of all the times they nagged you for grandkids and ask them if they forgot where said grandkids come from. That'll shut the geezers up in no time.
10. If the friends and loved ones you miss most can't be there this year, think of them fondly and rest assured that they're probably every bit as miserable as you are.
And with that, Happy Thanksgiving, and may the pecans in grandma's cookies actually be pecans and not roaches. (She doesn't see that well anymore, you know.)
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
A TURKEY DAY REMINDER
That dreaded day of possibly-dysfunctional family togetherness, interminable and expensive travel, the shameless three-hour commercial that is the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, Roman Empire-level gorging, drunkenness, and football looms again, dear Vaulties. You will survive, hey hey. And to those of you who grew up in the Tri-State area, don't forget to dust off your DVD copies of KING KONG — original version only — SON OF KONG, and MIGHTY JOE YOUNG, plus a classic-era Godzilla movie of choice. You know why. If I may recommend the Godzilla flick, I'd go with GODZILLA VERSUS MOTHRA (which went by GODZILLA VERSUS THE THING when we were kids) or GODZILLA VERSUS THE SEA MONSTER. And if you have the MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 version of that last one, so much the better.
Monday, July 04, 2011
HAPPY 4th OF JULY FROM THE VAULT OF BUNCHENESS!!!
And now for the song that should be our national anthem:America... America...
America, FUCK YEAH!
Comin' again to save the motherfuckin' day, yeah
America, FUCK YEAH!
Freedom is the only way, yeah
Terrorists, your game is through
'Cause now you have to answer to...
America, FUCK YEAH!
So lick my butt, and suck on my balls!
America, FUCK YEAH!
Whatcha gonna do when we come for you now?
It’s the dream that we all share; it’s the hope for tomorrooooow
FUCK YEAH!
McDonalds!
FUCK YEAH!
Wal-Mart!
FUCK YEAH!
The Gap!
FUCK YEAH!
Baseball!
FUCK YEAH!
NFL!
FUCK, YEAH!
Rock and roll!
FUCK YEAH!
The Internet!
FUCK YEAH!
Slavery!
FUCK YEAH!
FUCK YEAH!
Starbucks!
FUCK YEAH!
Disney World!
FUCK YEAH!
Porno!
FUCK YEAH!
Valium!
FUCK YEAH!
Reeboks!
FUCK YEAH!
Fake Tits!
FUCK YEAH!
Sushi!
FUCK YEAH!
Taco Bell!
FUCK YEAH!
Rodeos!
FUCK YEAH!
Bed, Bath and Beyond!
FUCK YEAH, FUCK YEAH!!!
Liberty!
FUCK YEAH!
Wax lips!
FUCK YEAH!
The Alamo!
FUCK YEAH!
Band-Aids!
FUCK YEAH!
Las Vegas!
FUCK YEAH!
Christmas!
FUCK YEAH!
Immigrants!
FUCK YEAH!
Popeye!
FUCK YEAH!
Democrats!
FUCK YEAH!
Republicans!
FUCK YEAH, FUCK YEAH!
Sportsmanship!
Books!
-America, Fuck Yeah (2004)
by Trey Parker and Matt Stone
Monday, February 14, 2011
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