SUNDAY'S PORN DAY!

Let's start things off this week on a pleasant note with this collection purporting to be the best of porn stalwart Nina Hartley.

I've always liked Nina's sunny personality and the razor-keen intelligence she projects both onscreen and off, dishing out sound advice on sex for all who are wise enough to listen. I think she's cooler than polar bear shit and deserves every ounce of her success.

One of the grand dames of old school filth was Candy Samples, who earned her fame thanks to her fucking ginormous 48DD jugs. I like big ol' titties but there can be too much of a good thing and Samples was just that.

There are those who have a fond place in their hearts for Samples, but I never got into her because she always came off to me like somebody's drunk grandmother.

This week's award for poorest title goes to OFFICIAL BOUNTY HUNTER PARODY 2.

When the title is this unimaginative, it does not bode well for the onscreen fucking.

I don't know if it's any good or not, but it always brings a smile to my face when a perennial porn concept like the teacher/student thing is once more re-invented for a new era.

Plus, this stars my boy Tom Byron, a veteran of the industry who has worked both in front of and behind the camera, and who possesses a penis that bears an uncanny resemblance to a Sabrett hot dog; so much so that when I first saw it in action in a long-ago Traci Lords flick, I imagined an arm reaching in from off-camera with a squeeze-bottle of Gulden's to apply mustard onto the thrusting member.

It's finally come to this: Donald Trump parody porn.

I would rather watch the real Donald take off that appalling hair piece and fuck that instead.

There probably been at some point prior to the advent of Obama, but has there ever been any straight-up presidency-related porn?

It's so silly that it cracks me up and I hope there's a sequence where "Barrack" gets it on a three-way with a Hilary Clinton stand-in and a Sarah Palin lookalike.

NASTY ANAL TRYOUTS...

Um, when it comes to anal, isn't stating "nasty" rather redundant?

The hot lifeguard thing is another classic trope, especially in the wake of BAYWATCH, and I have to say I rather like this Pam Anderson stand-in's smouldering expression.

And taking her pendulous implants into account, is a flotation device at all necessary?

This last offering is just plain sad.

Yes, that's actually the nineteen-year-old daughter of TV/movie star Laurence Fishburne, who figured that starring in porn would be a good way to kick off her career, an inspiration reportedly found in the "work" of the utterly fucking useless blight upon society that is Kim Kardashian. Needless to say, her dad is beyond mortified and Montana does not come off as all that bright in the way she handled all of this. I admit that I was pretty much an idiot at her age, but to do something like this that's obviously meant to cash in on her dad's name and fame is just ghastly.

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD

Okay. Let's start this off with me declaring up front that I do not think SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD is a bad movie. Not by any means. The commitment that all involved with its creation put into it is fully evident on the screen and it moves at a pretty lively pace. The performances are mostly pretty solid, the special effects are both cool and interesting, the music's pretty good and the film has several outrageously-superhuman kung fu fights. Yet despite all of that I was disappointed and after a while kinda bored by it, and I think that's because I am in no way the audience this movie is aimed at.

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD is based on the six-volume graphic novel series by Brian Lee O'Malley (a series I did not read because I couldn't get past its pseudo-manga artwork) and tells the story of the titular Canadian slacker (played quite well by Michael Cera), a twenty-two-year-old garage band bassist who shares a minuscule flat with his cool gay roommate (Kieran Culkin, who steals every scene he's in). Scott is dating a sweet and rather immature high school girl named Knives Chau (Ellen Wong), a romantic state disapproved of by everyone he knows, but that relationship gets derailed when Scott encounters the mysterious Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) and falls head over heels for her. Though too much of a chickendick to do the right thing and break up with Knives, Scott feebly pursues Ramona, but the shit hits the fan when the pair start dating and Scott finds out that if he's going to be with Ramona he must first defeated her Seven Evil Exes, all of whom display the super-powers one finds in "fighter" video games.

The Seven Evil Exes.

Each succeeding ex is more powerful and vicious than the one who came before, so Scott, who was shown to be quite adept at video game combat, is in for the battles of his life, all in the name of love.

Director Edgar Wright, he of SHAUN OF THE DEAD and HOT FUZZ renown, keeps things light and very animated, but I grew weary of the whole thing around halfway through for a number of reasons:

• Ramona has nothing at all to her personality, being there solely to be mysterious and punk rock pretty, but that's all. I kept asking myself "Why the fuck is this guy going through all of this bullshit for this walking void of personality?" Ramona is not so much a character as she is a MacGuffin, a term popularized by the late Alfred Hitchcock, that refers to "a plot element that catches the viewer's attention or drives the plot of a work of fiction," and as a result there is nothing to her other than being the spur for Scott's kung fu fights with her exes. I like a good love story but at no point could I see what it was about Ramona that so moved Scott, and if I don't give a fuck about the romance in a story where every action in it is allegedly motivated by said romance, that's a "fail" in my book. However, to be fair, I have it on good authority that much of what's missing character-wise in the film is all there in the graphic novels, so what we're getting in essence is a Crib Notes version of the story.
• Though I was part of the first generation to grow up with them, I have never been a great fan of video games, unlike damned near everyone else I know, and this film is very strongly aimed at video game addicts. From the film's opening moments it is made clear that what we're watching is essentially a video game as narrative, complete with various plot points being highlighted by notes and indicators common to the video game experience. When Scott defeats an Evil Ex, the vanquished villain de -materializes and the number of points Scott accrues with his victory is visibly tallied, as well as each "power up" being displayed.
  

It's a cute gimmick but it lost its novelty to me very quickly and the set-to's mostly suffered from a sameness that grew very repetitive.

• I have bitched for years about how when I see CGI-heavy films I feel like I'm watching someone else playing a video game, and SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD is a nearly two-hour example of that. In other words, my worst moviegoing nightmare, despite how engaging some of the film's elements are.

As for the things I liked about the film:

• The soundtrack hit all the right notes in evoking the story's Canadian slacker vibe.
  
• The quirky effects that blended the live action with the video game-styled kung fu were exceptional (reminding me a lot of what a properly-executed live action FIST OF THE NORTH STAR might look like) and the martial arts choreography was blistering.

• Michael Cera once more trots out his lovable/pathetic schtick and it works quite well here.
• The one moment where I gave a damn about Ramona was when she engaged in brutal combat with Roxy Richter (Mae Richter), one of her Evil Exes.
  

That fight is totally kickass and it may be the first time, even after literally hundreds of martial arts movies, where I've seen a woman wield a warhammer.

• Chris Evans, so fucking odious as Johnny Storm in the awful FANTASTIC FOUR movies (and soon to be seen as Captain America), is hilariously douchey as Lucas Lee, Ramona's extreme skater/action movie star Evil Ex.
  

Behold the face of a true douchebag.

The worst of Hollywood pretty boy ego personified, Lucas was my second-favorite evil ex, second only to...

• Brandon Routh as Todd Ingram, the Evil Ex who plays bass in a band fronted by Scott's heartbreaker of an ex-girlfriend.
  

He's incredibly super-powerful and gets his abilities from having gone to the "Vegan Academy," something he self-righteously throws into the faces of all present, thus making him that much more of a complete and utter tool.Routh was the only good thing in the disastrous SUPERMAN RETURNS (2006) and has since gone on to prove himself in memorable roles like his part in ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO (2008), and I hope he continues to do comedy roles because the guy is a hoot.

• Kieran Culkin is scene-stealingly hilarious as Wallace Wells, Scott's roommate.

Wallace Wells (Kieran Culkin) is the dude with the coffee.

Wallace is the gossipy friend of Scott's bitchy sister and he's perhaps the most significant voice of reason in Scott's world. Not at all a gay stereotype, the character is just plain funny and I would have loved to see more of him.

So as you can see, there is much to recommend about SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD, so by all means check it out if the aforementioned skewing toward a twenty/thirty-something video game-loving demographic appeals to you. But if you're like me and aren't into that kind of thing, I advise either giving it a miss altogether or waiting for cable.

ADDENDUM-8/16/10
So, it looks like this movie is a box office flop and the pundits are weighing in with explanations as to why. Go here for a good article on all of this.

COMIC BOOK OF THE WEEK!!!

What's not to love about a mini-comic that imagines Henry Rollins and Glenn Danzig as gay lovers who live next door to Hall & Oates, who are cast as practicing Satanists? For those who are familiar with both Rollins' and Danzig's work, this is HIGHLY RECOMMENDED, but it may not make sense to the casual observer. That said, it's pretty fucking funny and the ultra-vulnerable/sensitive diary entries allegedly penned by Danzig are a pisser. Also there's a quote on the back cover from Henry Rollins that reads, "Has Glenn seen this? Trust me, he would NOT be amused." Worth every penny of its $4.00 cover price, and then some.

IF ONLY THIS WERE REAL

I would be there so fuckin' fast...

THE KARATE KID (2010)

The 1984 KARATE KID has become one of the indelible favorites of those who were there when it came out and of those who discovered it later via cable or VHS, which only makes sense due it being a "rah rah" feelgood tale of an underdog who becomes a winner thanks to his relationship with an aged martial artist mentor. Feeling very much like ROCKY — which also made sense because both films shared a director — , THE KARATE KID was a good flick for its time and deserves its fondly-remembered status, largely for the touching and inspirational chemistry between stars Ralph Macchio and Pat Morita, but, to me, it has dated badly and now feels like just another of the legion of classic '80's movies that I really don't need to see again. Since the original there have been two straight-up sequels and one failed attempt at a series reboot starring Hilary Swank (the less said of those, the better), but by then it was clear that the tit had run dry.

As has been clearly illustrated over the past decade or so, the American moviegoing audience loooooves the familiar, hence the deluge of sequels, "re-imaginings," reboots and remakes, so perhaps it was inevitable that THE KARATE KID would be up for such re-consideration. The kids of the '80's have had their beloved G.I. JOE, TRANSFORMERS, A TEAM and, soon,THUNDERCATS kickstarted for the big screen to varying degrees of success, so why not THE KARATE KID?

Re-tooled as a starring vehicle for young Jaden Smith (the spawn of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett), this new version keeps the basics of the original but ups the ante considerably in various aspects. Twelve-year-old Dre (Smith) moves to China when his mother gets a new job (exactly what her job is remains unexplained) and finds himself dropped head first into an alien culture where he does not speak the language and sticks out like a sore thumb (his race is not explicitly presented as an issue in the script, but the implication is there). On top of being miserable over being ripped from his familiar turf and friends in Detroit, Dre is soon targeted by a gaggle of young kung fu students, the baddest of whom, a kid named Cheng (Zhenwei Wang), does not like that Dre has an innocent crush on local girl Mei Ying (Wen Wen Han). After being on the receiving end of a savage beatdown from Cheng, Dre is spectacularly rescued by his building's maintenance man, Mr. Han (Jackie Chan, whose character is perhaps unintentionally named after the villain from ENTER THE DRAGON) and begins a regimen of martial training that will allow him to compete in an upcoming open kung fu tournament and theoretically win his enemies' respect. There are of course other minor complications, but you get the idea: this is the KARATE KID story transplanted to a different place and culture, and if you ask me it's all the better for it (despite the idiotic titling; there is no trace of Japanese arts in this film and find the titling choice both insulting and culturally offensive, but what can ya do?).

Jaden Smith: a surprise and a revelation as the remake's protagonist, leaving Ralph Macchio's Daniel LaRusso in the dust.

The original film's narrative was fun for what it was, but the remake ups the ante in several interesting ways. Dropping Dre into a totally different culture from his own is enough of an obstacle for the character, but, unlike RalphMacchio's Daniel LaRusso , Dre does not speak the language and is also obviously visually different from the natives of China, which, while not explicitly stated, is certainly implicit in his struggle against Cheng, his douchey buddies, and, by association, their complete balls-out fucking asshole of a sifu (who offends my own martial sensibilities waaaaaaaay worse than Martin Cove's admittedly assholish Cobra-Kai sensei in the original). Dre's awakening to his path of martial enlightenment is also superior to Daniel LaRusso's by virtue of him being in the land that is the very heart and sole of kung fu , with Han's taking him on a journey to a sacred mountain that blows the nuts off of any Jedi training we've seen in the STAR WARS films. As Dre makes his way up the mountain, he witnesses firsthand several individuals who have given themselves utterly to becoming one with the martial/spiritual way and it moves him to his young core. Of particular interest is an unbilled moment when Michelle Yeoh — she of YES, MADAM and CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON fame — is glimpsed by Dre as she portrays an adept who, precariously perched upon one of the mountain monastery's outcroppings, executes some serious non-violent crane-style technique with a king cobra as a participant. If I saw that shit it would have totally re-arranged my thinking, and that's exactly what happens to Dre.

Jackie Chan as Han is a breath of fresh air after over three decades of may good but self-repeating performances, as this film allows him to play serious and dramatic. I won't spoil it, but next to his work in the two classic DRUNKEN MASTER films, this is my favorite of his roles.

But the most interesting of the remake's tweakings is the level of brutal violence committed upon Dre by his tormentors, a level of savagery made all the worse by how young its perpetrators are. It's the skilled yet animalistic evil to Dre's beatdowns by another prepubescent that is frankly disturbing, a sense of innocence corrupted, all because of a teacher who has the moral/spiritual grounding of a thinly-disguised sadist/sociopath.

I could go on and outline all of what I find fun and worthwhile about this remake, but I would prefer it if you got to experience it for yourself. Bad choice of title notwithstanding, this is my vote for the best film of the rather lackluster 2010 summer blockbuster season. TRUST YER BUNCHE and see it if it's still playing near you, or check it out on DVD and cable in the months to come.

"KLAATU BARADA NIKTO": R.I.P. PATRICIA NEAL (1926-2010)

Patricia Neal as Helen Benson in the science-fiction classic THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (1951).

There are few science-fiction films that loom as large in my estimation as the sober and very serious THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL (1951), the tale of the Earth's first contact with an advanced extra-terrestrial envoy who offers humanity a terrifying ultimatum and displays his vast power in a manner whose very very quietness only ups the potential horror. The thing most intrigues me about that film is not the admittedly awesome alien —Klaatu, unforgettably portrayed by Michael Rennie — but rather the all-too-human Helen Benson, an utterly ordinary single mom who unknowingly rents a room to the disguised spaceman. Serving as the everyman through whom the alien gets to see the worthiness of the human race, Helen gets my vote as the most important and believable human character in the history of first contact movies, and it is her actions that end up saving the world from swift and utter annihilation. She is also the character who utters the now-familiar/immortal phrase "Klaatu barado nikto," and if you have no idea what that means I urge you, no, I fucking command you to rent the original THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL immediately. On the short list of "The 5 Most Significant Science-Fiction Films Ever Made," THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL rates right near the top position, and Patricia Neal is one of the elements that places it there.

SUNDAY'S PORN DAY!

More new releases, kiddies! First up is this charmer that apparently promotes pride in candid self-awareness.

Next, we get this ebony-themed offering that completely eschews any attempt at a clever title and just tells it like it is.

Exactly what the hell is this?

Not only is the Sarah Jessica Parker-looking chick taking a deep drag thoroughly unappealing, you know you're in trouble when the marketers choose to emblazon the packaging with a reviewer's straight-up declaration that the flick is "not terribly erotic." Did this strike no one else as working against purposes?

I suppose a GHOSTBUSTERS-related porno was inevitable, in fact I bet at least one exists prior to this one, but the tag line of "Who ya gonna fuck?" is both hilarious and inspired in its utter simplicity.

Maybe now we'll see a version of that scene between Ray Stantz (Dan Aykroyd) and that gorgeous blonde ghost taken to its obvious conclusion outside of a PG-rated context.

I'm including this one sight unseen as a shout-out to the adorable Lexi Belle, she whose performance as Batgirl in BATMAN XXX moved me so deeply.

She's cute as hell (this photo does not do her justice) and an enthusiastic on-camera presence, so I'm happy to be a booster.

Ooooookay...

I dunno about you, but when I think soccer the first thing that comes to mind is nailing the entire team up the poop chute (provided they're girls, of course) and it's reassuring to see that the adult video industry has taken my needs into account. I guess.

Lastly, here's BAR PUSSY, presumably an ode to the charming ladies who frequent the watering holes of our fine nation and willingly offer up their own watery holes to to the horny denizens of those fine establishments.

YET MORE GEEKY AUTOGRAPHED PHOTOS!

Time for more autographed photos, so away we go!

Just before my birthday, Lincoln Center ran a festival of Asian cinema and one of my heroes, the baddest-assed fat due ever, the mighty Sammo Hung, was scheduled to appear. Unfortunately, I couldn't be there, but my old friend and mentor Ric Meyers — one of the country's top experts on Asian cinema and martial arts movies — went to the show and got me Sammo's autograph on the show's program.

I wish I'd met him personally, but this is a good substitute. Thanks, Sifu!

Causing my collection of signatures from the Adam West BATMAN series to swell is this great shot of '60's pop sensation Lesley "It's My Party" Gore as Pussycat, Catwoman's protegee who seduced Robin and briefly turned him to the Dark Side.

Later coming out of the closet (which lent her classic songs a whole new dimension) and covering AC/DC's "Dirty Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap)" — and no, I'm not kidding about that — I will always have a kind word for Lesley Gore.

She's been dead for a few years but considering my jungle girl fixation, how could I not want a signed shot of Irish McCalla?

Yes, Sheena, Queen of the Jungle herself. A striking woman if ever I saw one, she reminds me of Jamie Pressly in a leopard skin (an idea I like quite a lot, thank you very much; c'mon, Jamie! Do it for Yer Bunche!).

Now we get to the George A. Romero section. If you have even the most cursory knowledge of horror films, you should who Romero is, but in case you don't, he's the director who forever revolutionized scary movies when he unleashed NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968) upon an unsuspecting world, traumatizing a generation of kids in the process. I've read several accounts of how parents dropped off their little darlings at the local matinee for what they thought was just going to be another run-of-the-mill fright flick, and when they returned to pick up the kiddies, the wee ones were reduced to a state of crying, terrified shock. For that alone I will always have a warm spot for Romero and many of his films.

Romero's MARTIN (1978) was a quiet little film that examined the vampire legend from several intriguing angles, following its tortured titular character who was played by John Amplas, whose autograph is seen below.

It's not for all tastes, but I very much recommend it if you haven't seen it. MARTIN is a bleak and melancholy work and it's the perfect antidote for all that TWILIGHT bullshit.

Without question, my favorite Romero film is 1979's apocalyptic DAWN OF THE DEAD, the first truly ultra-gory film I ever saw in the theater and one of my favorite films from any genre. It's character study of four people who take refuge from a worldwide zombie plague in a shopping mall and it's compelling, visceral stuff from start to finish. One of the keys to its landmark status is the performance of Ken Foree as Peter, a skilled S.W.A.T. team operative who was perhaps the most badassed black man seen onscreen in the '70's next to ENTER THE DRAGON's Jim Kelly. I don't think I have to tell you what it means to see one of your own onscreen possessed of dignity, intelligence and massive bravery, so Peter made a huge impression upon me that remains to this very day and meeting Ken Foree made me feel very glad in my heart. The dude was massive — I swear his and was as big as my head — and very nice, and I'm glad I got to thank him for bringing such an awesome black hero to the screen.

Also from DAWN OF THE DEAD was David Emge as the terrifically assholish (and all-too-human for it) Stephen, aka "Flyboy, and since I had the opportunity I figured I'd get his John Hancock for posterity.

Then came George Romero himself, and the venerable cinematic helmsman could not possibly have been more of a sweetheart.

Yer Bunche and George A. Romero.

Needless to say, I had to have his autograph (seen below), and sooner or later I'm going to frame it and hang it from my wall.

And since Romero, Emge and Foree were all in the same place at once, I figured I'd get all of their signatures on my favorite publicity shot from DAWN OF THE DEAD.

Someday I hope to get Scott H. Reiniger and Gaylen Ross to complete this monument to skin-crawling excellence...

Legendary makeup artist and specialist in shocking gore effects Tom Savini has long been the subject of horror fans' fascination, thanks to his groundbreaking and creative work as seen in MARTIN (1978), DAWN OF THE DEAD (1979), FRIDAY THE 13th and MANIAC (both 1980), THE BURNING (1981), CREEPSHOW (1982) and many others. Here's Savini as seen in Romero's KNIGHTRIDERS (1981)...

..and his memorable guest voice appearance on THE SIMPSONS.

And last, but definitely not least, is this shot of William Smith, a gift from my pal Big Black Paul.

Smith is a legendary heavy from works such as DARKER THAN AMBER (1970), GRAVE OF THE VAMPIRE (1974), BOSS NIGGER (1975, though obviously not as the title character), and the unforgettable ratfuck bastard Falconetti in RICH MAN, POOR MAN (1976). But to me, Smith will always be Conan the Barbarian's dad (from the classic 1982 sword & sorcery epic), the man who forged an awesome sword and enlightened the young hero to the Riddle of Steel. Plainly and simply awesome.

RECENT COMICS ROUNDUP: A RETRACTION

Cover of THE WALKING DEAD #75.

If you saw my previous post on the recent comics I've read, you'll recall that I maligned the ending of the latest issue of THE WALKING DEAD for what I felt was a trite and fucking stupid ending. I still won't spoil exactly why it aroused my ire, but my pal Jared of the Mountains clued me in on the fact that was a joke, the explanation of which can be found on the issue's letters page that I did not read. Read the issue and then look for the yellow highlighted note among the letters. All is explained and now that I know what was going on, I take back my earlier harsh assessment. The shit's funny.

JIM STARLIN INTERVIEW IS UP!

Yer Bunche, enjoying some quality time with a sexy extra-terrestrial echidnoderm.

My recent interview with comics' master of the "cosmic" saga, Jim Starlin, is up over at PUBLISHERS WEEKLY.